Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

All those making out that this man has "the right" to free time - well, he's hardly run ragged by 4 kids 24/7 is he? He has one two-year old daughter who is no doubt in bed by 7. He has every afternoon off

If the child could articulate it, no doubt she would rather be at home or with her dad in those 2 afternoons, even if it's just snuggling in the sofa in a cold day. 7.30-2.30 is more than enough time for "the nursery experience", there are no benefits to a 2 year old of a ten hour day anywhere.

But if he had her at home, it would be CBeebies rather than the PlayStation, so this is why he'd rather leave her there, tired or not.

Parents are entitled to time out yes, but putting your child in nursery for a few mornings is not the same as leaving them to do a ten hour day somewhere when you don't actually need to. Ten hours is a long, long time when you are 2. The DH himself is only at work for 7 hours fgs!!

Is my child the only one who has no interest in "just snuggling on the sofa on a cold day"? He would be bored within seconds. And he watches enough CBeebies that I don't feel any urgency to remove him from nursery, where he is happily playing with other children, so he can watch more.

So your two options are nursery or tv tawdry?

Nope, I was referring to the post immediately above.

I finish work at 2.30 on a Wednesday to pick ds1 up from school I pick ds2 up around 3.20 even though he's paid until 6

I wouldn't think not to tbh

what a man child - plays on a bloody toy for 10-15 hours a week rather than be with his child? washes the floor occasionally "for you"?

my dh would come home, have a bite to eat/shower and would then pick the child up, never mind how long was being paid for, becasue hes like, an adult parent

I don't understand why there's such disbelief that any parent could want some alone time rather than picking their DC up from nursery early

Because priorities need to change a bit when you have tiny children. Just because he wants to spend his afternoons playing games, doesn’t mean that’s what he should do, or that’s what best for his daughter. She’s only 2! She’s probably in bed by 7pm can’t he have his “alone time” all evening? And he has Saturday mornings to himself every week too!

Sorry but I agree with the sentiment that 7 hours is a long time in nursery (working mother myself) and if I had the opportunity to collect at 2/3 pm I would despite the fact that the hours are paid for. She could chill out for a bit with Daddy, even if it was TV time at least they’d be enjoying something together! My husband is also a gamer so I understand your frustration with that. I get really annoyed and angry to the point of rows if he tries it before the kids have gone to bed.

The DH presumably spends large stretches of his free three afternoons a week plus Saturday mornings game playing, even if he does throw in a bit of washing and washing up. He could surely manage to give it a rest for two afternoons a week and prioritise his daughter.

I’m just so shocked - men need more time away from looking after the kids just because they are men and a penis means you can’t multi task?!!!!! Just wow! Who needs men to put women down when there are still women who think like this.

Your daughter is doing two very long days for a 2 year old (even if she says she loves it, it will be tough on her) which is totally understandable if you’re both working (I still don’t quite understand why there is a need when your dh could pick up earlier but that’s your call). It is completely outrageous and selfish, however, that even with all his free time (even if he does chores) that he can’t organise himself to pick her up on time. It shows a very selfish, irresponsible attitude to parenting and to the nursery staff.

Just lazy!! I had the same - they get on their game and nothing else really matters!! With tiny children (inc a newborn both times!!) I had to go out and smash the snow and ice off the front steps (so we could actually get out safely) as he was glued to his game. This has meant my front steps are now smashed! Also, I once cut the root of some ivy which was covering our garage - he didn't realise (again, on his game) - he went out later, saw it and charged round to nextdoor and accused some poor guy there of climbing into our garden and doing it!!!!

OP, your original questions were AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

My answers are (a) probably not deliberately, but it does sound as if he's losing track of time, because he (sadly) doesn't seem to think it's important that he should be punctual; and (b) he's probably gaming.

I'm taken aback by your later comment: I do however think men need more free time than women because women are more natural multi taskers, they can juggle watching a toddler and making a phone call/doing housework much more naturally than a man can so I think they find it tiring when they have to do it, so need more time away from the family to relax and recover from that experience.

Really? Really, really?

Please re-read what a pp posted about this perceived inability of men to multi-task: This is why, throughout history, no man has ever successfully achieved anything requiring skills in multiple disciplines, like running a business, a career in politics, farming, or managing a public body.

After re-reading that comment, do you still think that men can't multi-task?

Men need more free time as they’re not natural multi-taskers?

How on earth does he watch his game and hit the buttons at the same time 🤔

Bebees - I'm sorry...what? You smashed your own front door step and that's the fault of your husband and gaming...why? I understand you find your husband's distraction difficult to tolerate but if you had to do it yourself because he was gaming, I don't see why you had to smash it up? That's down to your own cack-handedness surely?

How do you deal with gaming im soo sick of it. I wanna have my hobbies too. Cant throw away the xbox we use it for everything also its not mine just the tv. My partner also has a gaming group on fb chat just want one meal where he isnt talking to them on his tablet

Tell him to pick her up on his way home from work. Surely he'd want that extra time with her anyway?

Haven't read every comment but think people are jumping wayyyy too quickly on the backlashing dad band wagon.

There are no other concerns... Not financial, how each person spends their free time, how their daughter is being brought up etc so everyone with the negative tips here aren't particularly helpful.

Being late is not good to either party- your daughter or the staff, but I can imagine your partner isn't particularly flustered if it's only a couple of times and probably just down to poor time keeping.
I would suggest telling him that nursery have said from now on she needs to be collected no later than 5 so it gives him time to be late but also not losing out on loads of hard earned pennies if he's already on time either.

Try not to stress too much about it... Or the 'wonderful' comments received on here. You know your family best and what will or won't work with him but do try to communicate.

Wish you luck :-)

I'm sorry, I find it dreadful that a lot of people seem to think nursery is an awful, scary place for a child! My son HAD to go from 8am to 5-6pm as we both work full time. It was 4 days a week for a year, and then 4.5 as I went back full time.
It didn't harm him, he loved it, and it certainly didn't exhaust him! He's more tired from school and he's only there from 9am to 3.30pm (until they removed our school bus and he now has to to to breakfast club at 7.30am).
Sometimes we just don't have a choice! It some of you are acting like it's child abuse.

It is not on to get there after nursery has closed at all. You have to get him told

I forgot to add he was in nursery from 13 months

What is the big deal he was late he's shit with Time not his daughter as op has stated and it's a joint decision about nursery all parents are different and we are allowed a break if that's gaming there shouldn't be an issue it'd allowed all u people that are saying this guy is a bd dad are abit jumping at that and yeah some dad would go to nursery I'm sure but if it's agreed between parents then there isn't an issue with that he prefers Abit of h time as he'd allowed his child is being looked after in a fun safe environment but the lateness explain this can't happen again he should set alarm to tell him it's time to go he's just crap with time and doesn't want to admit this as he knows he's in the wrong tell him if he can't stick to time then he will lose his gaming time it's really simple it's not a massive problem like it's being made into

This is exactly what my ex, a “gamer”, would have done if we had had a child together. After six years together I couldn’t bear it anymore. So many wasted hours, and really he was wasting his life. And mine. Hence he’s my ex. I think you’re being too nice about this OP. I couldn’t be with a man that would rather play a video game than pick his child up from childcare.