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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

671 replies

ThreeDaysAWeek · 22/01/2018 02:26

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

OP posts:
BashStreetKid · 22/01/2018 07:16

Tell him that pick-up time has changed to 5 p.m. and that your dd will lose her place on Tuesdays and Wednesdays if she isn't collected on time.

Tumbleweed101 · 22/01/2018 07:17

I’d dread to be on late shift on those days at nursery. I’d know there would be a good chance I’d be getting home late to my own children and probably not being paid for it either! Just because you can afford late fees it doesn’t mean the staff are paid extra or that they haven’t got things they need to be doing after their day at work is officially over.

We’re all understanding about traffic delays etc but knowing she was picked up late on a frequent basis because someone cba to leave a game would be infuriating.

HidingFromTheWorld · 22/01/2018 07:18

If I were the Nursery manager, I’d be issuing a warning that alternative arrangements will need to made if this selfish and unacceptable behaviour happens again.

You don’t know that your DD doesn’t care that she’s the last one left. You can keep telling yourself that, but you don’t know for certain.

Your current arrangement isn’t working and DP/DH should be making amends, but clearly cares more about himself than his DD.

BTW, nobody can say their DH/DP isn’t cheating or having an affair, unless they spend every single minute of every single day together. If there’s a will, there’s a way.

Uterusuterusgarlic · 22/01/2018 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthismylifenow · 22/01/2018 07:19

OP, is dd your only child? At age 2 that is quite a long day, and I understand you say she loves it there, but in a blink of an eye, she will be starting school and your dh won't have the opportunity he has now, to be spending one on one time with her.

I do understand that you are paying for a full day, but all said and done, he would just be picking her up early on two days. It isn't about the money, you have to pay full day anyway as she is there later on a Friday if I understand you correctly.

Wouldn't it just be easier for him to collect her on his way home from work anyway, that saves him another two mile round trip later on in the day. And she gets to spend time with her dad as well as her mum for one on one time.

pinkhorse · 22/01/2018 07:21

Why is your mum having her on a Saturday morning? Surely your dp should be having her then. I know you said he wanted to sleep in on a Saturday but how long is he sleeping in? Your dd goes to your mum at 9am, surely that's more than enough of a lay in for your dp when he has every afternoon to himself to chill out.
He's having it super easy here

strawberrypenguin · 22/01/2018 07:21

Your DD will lose her Nursery space of this continues. Quite apart from anything else the Nursery staff have lives too and shouldn’t be expected to stay in unexpectedly just because your DH can’t get off his ass on time.

Sarahh2014 · 22/01/2018 07:22

He could pick up dd an hour after work and spend time with her?

1ndig0 · 22/01/2018 07:24

I've read some scenarios on MN but this takes the biscuit.

Seriously, what planet are you both on OP. Why do you put up with a teenager as a husband?

My DH works something like 8am- 7pm every day - you know, actual full-time hours. He does this so I can be with the DC and we never had to use childcare . But if we had needed to use childcare, do you think either of us would have left the babies there so we could play games? It doesn't matter that you had to pay for a full day. It's about what's best for you little girl, not getting value for money.

His priorities are seriously skewed and you are seriously deluded.

Ilovetolurk · 22/01/2018 07:24

OP as others have said she could lose her place. I would get serious with him and spell out the consequences

Get your OH to set two alarms on his phone

The first to let him know to finish his game

The second to let him know he has to leave

Good luck!!

Voiceforreason · 22/01/2018 07:26

Op take my advice and sort this out yourself. Ignore most of the posts on here. I am always amazed at the people who come on here and advise others to, 'put a stop to that' or 'tell him to fuck off!' And best of all ltb. Are these people not in a partnership of equals. Is there no respect for the autonomy of their partner? Why do they feel they have the right to manage tge life of another adult? No wonder so many relationships break down! And with dire consequences particularly to the children.

Why don't you discuss it with dh and agree perhaps to him collecting dd at 4.30? That way he has some down time and should he be a little late he is still in plenty of time to collect her. It is irrelevent how he spends his down time. That is his choice.

walkingdowntheboulevard · 22/01/2018 07:26

I think he HAS to tell you why he's been late, you need to know.

insancerre · 22/01/2018 07:30

Persistent late offenders can have their place suspended
As a nursery manager I have written to parents threatening this
It's very disrespectful to the staff

Batteriesallgone · 22/01/2018 07:31

He has to tell you why he was late.

If he’s got to the stage of lying about his gaming then its dangerously close to being an addiction.

Cambionome · 22/01/2018 07:32

Men need more free time than women?? What is this crap?!

He is a lazy man child, and you are enabling this.

HuskyMcClusky · 22/01/2018 07:33

Are these people not in a partnership of equals.

Yes, the OP’s relationship sounds like a model of equality. So right you are. Hmm

RandomDreams · 22/01/2018 07:34

By picking up your daughter late your husband is making the staff stay late, as the partner of a nursery worker I know we would both be pissed off if the reason my partner was late home a few times a month was because your pathetic excuse for a husband was gaming.

LadyintheRadiator · 22/01/2018 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

peachgreen · 22/01/2018 07:37

I almost can't believe this is a real thread - imagine putting up with this manchild.

I agree with PPs that it's important for parents to get downtime when they can but he's already getting that. He already has three afternoons a week to himself plus a weekend morning - that's more "me time" than most parents can even dream of. He doesn't need those extra two afternoons. What he needs, and what your DD would benefit from, is some one on one time with his child. Even if he picked her up early ONE afternoon a week and had the other to himself, that would be something!

I am baffled that he doesn't seem to want that, and that you don't think it matters.

Parker231 · 22/01/2018 07:37

Op - why do you feel your DH needs more free time than you?

If he doesn’t want to spend the time with your DD could he not do overtime at work and then at least the family would benefit from the extra money?

AuntLydia · 22/01/2018 07:38

All the debate about whether he picks her up early is irrelevant really. Picking her up at 5.30/6 is so disrespectful to the nursery staff. I'm a childminder and if a parent persistently did this I'd give notice. And I'm a pushover if I'm honest. I'd be so upset that a parent gave no shits about my time when I gave my all to taking good care of their child. You shouldn't have to think/worry about how to deal with this. He should be a decent enough person not to do it in the first place! What a wanker.

isthismylifenow · 22/01/2018 07:39

I think he HAS to tell you why he's been late, you need to know

Walking, I think that if it was a genuine reason, he would have said (which would be the norm really) The reason is isn't saying why he was late, is because it is more than likely not a valid excuse.

Majuna · 22/01/2018 07:39

The posters talking about the irony of people being on MN in their spare time, (late evening) when the kids are in bed, is not the same as an adult sitting in a dark room in his underpants with a can of shandy and a controller, while adults are looking after his daughter.

And then he is still late Confused

MrDirtyBear · 22/01/2018 07:42

Joyous amount of irrelevant sneering and bile you've got to wade through this morning OP.

Him not being able to tell you why is going to damage your relationship but you can never force someone. You can only decide your own future based on how you now perceive their lack of honesty on this issue in the relationship.

It's not acceptable for him to be late for no good reason. I'd set an alarm in the house, and chase him with have you left calls if practical. If he's had the consequences pointed out to him and he promises to not be late again then that's part of the problem solved.

In the meantime give him a little mental space from the confrontation and wait before asking him why he won't tell you why he was late. It might work. Some people respond better to that.

Good luck.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2018 07:42

I love the way that, on a thread that's about a man prioritising his own free time and hobby over spending time with his dd, the woman ends up feeling the need to justify how she spends her time with her dd.