To feel that you cant talk about being proud to bf?

[TwilightRiver]

Just to start I am not trying to be goady, and not wanting this to be bf vs ff.

I respect everyones right to choose how to feed their baby.

I haven been bf my lo for 5 months and am very proud of that fact. I have had very little problems and been fortunate enough to have avoided mastitis and thrush so far but its still been so bloody hard.

I have close friends that have babies amd chose to ff . I feel that i can't talk about it for fear of them thinking im getting at them or getting into a whole debate.

I also find that people find its's acceptable to make comments to a mum in regard to bf. 'Maybe theyre not getting enough' "They need water' 'no one else gets to feed, when you giving a bottle'. They wouldn't dream of making such comments to a mother whos ff or criticize her for her choice.

This is also extended to medical professionals. Here ff babies are weighed when born and again when transfered to hv. No weigh ins with midwife on return from hospital. where as bf babies are weighed on return fron hispital then 5 days then weekly. Apparently this is because they know how much ff babies are getting. Its like they are going back on the whole 'breast is best' and expecting you to fail. Or should be the same policy regardless of method of feeding.

You are right Bertrand.

Because Bluedog those people would be arseholes, and you would be right to tell them so. But I think it's safe to say that we are not talking in this thread about people telling other people what to do or how to do it, or even people making sneery or judgemental remarks. We are talking about people expressing something positive about themselves, not something negative about other people.

“Why is it not ok to say I’m hurting this hurts me please be sensitive in what you say”

It is absolutely fine to say that.

Hi OP,

Although I had heard how incredibly difficult bf would be, I was so looking forward to bf my daughter when she was born. Unfortunately, due to many complications after labour, my milk did not come in and I had to ff. I remember the first time I had to use a bottle in public, I felt so embarrassed, to the point of shame. I would be lying if I didn't confess that seeing posts like this still make me a little sad. Ff can be very stressful for a variety if reasons, and I am proud that, despite my troubles, I was able to drag myself downstairs at x o'clock in the morning to sterilise bottles, stress over formula amounts, how much she took etc. but have a healthy, happy girl. (I say this light-heartedly! ).

I do think you should be proud of yourself, not for bf, but for feeding your baby in a way that works for you.

But someone saying how proud they are to bf makes me feel bad I know it’s my issue but why am I not allowed to say -for eg -it isn’t always best for every baby, without getting jumped on? It ISNT always best for EVERY baby. It ISNT just a case of should have tried harder.

Maybe there should be a NAMALT equivalent.

Why is it not ok to say I’m hurting this hurts me please be sensitive in what you say

Of course that’s okay. It’s about context, I think if you said that to a friend or relative then they’d be a pretty inconsiderate person not to listen. That doesn’t mean you can ask every person in the world not to share their experiences though.

For comparison, someone who had to give up a sport due to health problems might reasonably ask a friend to be considerate when taking about their achievements in that sport. However, it wouldn’t be reasonable to suggest that nobody should ever again express pride in a sporting achievement for fear of upsetting the person who can no longer play sports.

But someone saying how proud they are to bf makes me feel bad I know it’s my issue but why am I not allowed to say -for eg -it isn’t always best for every baby, without getting jumped on? It ISNT always best for EVERY baby. It ISNT just a case of should have tried harder.

Someone expressing pride that they BF a child isn’t making those statements though. They’re saying they’re proud to have BF, not that it’s best in every situation or that anyone who didn’t BF should have tried harder.

.” It ISNT just a case of should have tried harder.”

No. But sometimes it is a case of it would have worked if you had tried not harder but differently. Which is why this is something that needs to be talked about until we reach the point that everyone, apart from the tiny minority who can’t bf, is making a proper free choice about how they feed their babies.

When someone (me) on a thread like this says “BF isn’t best for every baby” or whatever the phrase I used was, (phone cba to scroll) why can’t other posters accept that instead of challenging and making me have to go and get links?

I’ve been in tears and googling and googling to find more and more links until my oh stepped in because I find all this so difficult - which I think was clear from how I had posted.

Be kind on here. It doesn’t work for everyone and it isn’t always anyone fault. V often there is nothing that could have been done and tbh the sense of powerless has never left me I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t have a choice. The doctor told me my baby was starving.

What kind of mother would I have been if I had ignored that medical advice?

I could NOT have tried harder or differently Bertrand and I read an inference in what you said that I could have and should have.

It’s infantilising and silencing to say “it would have worked if”and that’s a feminist issue. I’m a woman and no one is entitled to patronise me like that.

It IS a feminist issue to tell another woman it would have worked if.

Shocking to have that said here. Really really shocking. I expected support and not be told I should have tried differently. Why can’t you just BELEIVE women when they tell their story? Doesn’t we believe you count for BF/FF?

Lots of people here are very bitter! Many people physically can’t breast feed/ can’t breast feed because of personal circumstance/ choice- which is fair enough and still hard work.

But she should feel proud that she’s stuck with a painful and arduous process. No one else has fed that baby but her- in 5 months! Fair play! Mum’s need more recognition for all the hard work they put in. There’s no need to put each other down. Let her feel good about herself. Having a baby is hard whatever choice you make, even if it’s ‘natural’. Feel proud and relieved that your babies are growing healthily!

“I could NOT have tried harder or differently Bertrand and I read an inference in what you said that I could have and should have.”

No- I did not say that. I said that for many women who think they can’t bf, they actually can if they get the right help. You can try to the utmost of your being, but if nobody helps you or supports you in the right way, it will never work. However hard you try.

Nobody who wants to bf should give up because of a lack of proper help. And many do.

When someone (me) on a thread like this says “BF isn’t best for every baby” or whatever the phrase I used was, (phone cba to scroll) why can’t other posters accept that instead of challenging and making me have to go and get links?

I’ve been in tears and googling and googling to find more and more links until my oh stepped in because I find all this so difficult - which I think was clear from how I had posted.

Blue, it sounds like maybe you need to step back from this conversation. Go and spend time with your little one instead of researching BF online and becoming so upset. You’ve followed the advice of a healthcare professional, trust that you did the right thing for your little one. Now be kind to yourself and stop reading a thread that’s so clearly distressing you.

I didn’t say you said that.

I said - I read an inference it in.

Try being kind, huh?

I don’t understand why we who could not BF are not believed automatically in the same way as there is the we believe you

My point is Bluedog that you can say that, and if they are good a friend they will understand. But if you are a good friend you would allow a friend to talk about breastfeeding without silencing them with guilt.

I have had miscarriages, I also have close friends who have been pregnant and had babies and I have listened to them discuss the highs and lows of their pregnancies. I have a friend who experienced the death of her newborn child - she would never stop anyone else from talking about their babies, pregnancies or birth experiences because she understands that it is important to let women talk about these things.

I suspect in real life people aren't likely to walk about wearing badges or proclaiming their pride at every opportunity, but they might want to not feel like they can't express anything positive about their situation.

But even on here, people should be kind in what they post.

Anyway, I do find the lack of believing disgusting and do think that there should be a webelieveyou for this as well because not to be believed is horrendous.

Is a rape victim going to feel good if someone says well obv you weren’t raped because of th clothes you wore but in general women are?

I can’t explain it well I can’t articukate it but it feels like a silencing if my expiernece and a being disbelieved in the same way as brought the need for webelieve you

I believe you. I really do.

But when you are on a social media platform and in particular an AIBU post, it is expected that you debate your opinion. It wouldn't be much of a debate if someone posted " BF is not always best" and everyone who followed said "Yip". Of course people will disagree with you and some might even ask you to back up your assertions.

I am sorry that this has been a painful experience for you.

I’ll maybe start a thread 🙂 thanks. I do think it’s an issue that I needs to pick apart.

BF support in this country usually goes as follows

When pregnant:
"BF is best for baby"
"BF is best for baby"
"BF is best for baby"

Baby is born (in hospital)
"Would you like to breastfeed?"
"I'm so sorry I've not been able to get in to help with latch, we're so busy today!"

Feeding either goes well and mum is left to it or feeding isn't working.
"Maybe we should give baby some formula?"
"I shouldn't say this but maybe it's time to stop BFing"

Mum stops breastfeeding
"Oh, it's such a shame you couldn't continue to BF"

Sometimes from the same bloody HCP. The NHS is a classic case if talking the talk but not walking the walk. You end up with thousands of women totally crushed they couldn't do something which has been shoved down their throats as being best for their baby and frequently simply because the support wasn't adequate.

Why are women expressing that they've found something upsetting always derided as "bitter"? A lot of us on this thread clearly find it upsetting, insensitive and raw. Why is "bitter" always the word people reach for? Like our feelings are evidence of a negative character trait? It's so derogatory!

And I also feel I deserve a medal now, because no one except me has fed my baby for 3 months. Despite what a pp clearly believes about ff babies being passed from pillar to post. I feel shit enough already that the milk she's getting doesn't come from me, I'm sure as hell not letting anyone else give it to her.

Bluedog If you do start a thread maybe do it in Infant Feeding rather an AIBU. You might find it's less of a rammy if you are feeling fragile. Also maybe try to talk to someone in real life about how you are feeling. It sounds like you have been through the mill and could do with some tlc.

Accrual - the feminist in me wants to say that it's internalised misogyny. Divide and conquer - make women squabble about feeding, working, etc etc and they won't get it together to look at the bigger picture - shite support, pay gap and employment issues, childcare etc. Another part of me thinks that some people are just nasty arses. Maybe a bit of both. Women have always been bitter, that or hysterical!