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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:
Zampa · 21/01/2018 03:44

Because you accommodated the earlier request, he's pushing it. However, I don't think you can un-invite SIL's partner.

I think you can tell them to lump it in relation to the room and if he then decides not to come, it's their look out. I'd put a deadline on the decision so you can invite your brother along.

If SIL does come with her partner, could your brother not stay somewhere else locally?

CircleofWillis · 21/01/2018 03:44

I would definitely suggest he doesn’t come and have your brother instead. Outrageous entitled behaviour from someone who is not even a friend or family member.

Pinkbedsheets · 21/01/2018 03:46

Yes I would do that. Invite your brother. You’ve changed your plans around for him enough and he’s ungrateful, also if DP’s sister decides she doesn’t want to come also,it sounds like she’d be doing you a favour.

Somersetter · 21/01/2018 03:48

I wouldn't tell him not to come but would politely explain you're unable to swap rooms around again and see what they see. If he says he's not coming as s result then no loss quite frankly.

However the more pressing issue is your brother - is he not invited to the wedding at all or is he invited but staying elsewhere? I really think you need to invite him unless there's a backstory to this?

RavenclawRealist · 21/01/2018 03:58

I don't think you can uninvite him as such! Well I guess it's your wedding you can do what you want but to avoid a potential fallout I think it would seem rude!
I think you can be clear and firm in his options through
Option 1 twin room with ensuite
Option 2 double without
If neither of those meet his approval you understand and regret he won't be able to make it (I know you won't but to keep the peace) you will reallocate his place as obviously they can understand such small number means you have had to leave people out. Thank him for letting you know and move on!

You get to appear perfectly reasonable and He may even be secretly grateful as it seems to me like he is looking for an excuse!

NoKnownFather · 21/01/2018 03:59

^ What they said! How rude of this person dictating what they want. Enjoy the time with your brother.

AstridWhite · 21/01/2018 03:59

Your SIL and her partner are being spoilt and outrageously rude.

Tell her 'Fine. We understand. Never mind, I guess we'll be seeing you on your own then.'

Move her wherever the hell you like. The cupboard under the stairs sounds good to me.

What I don't understand though, is why you didn't just book a cottage big enough to accommodate your brother in the first place. It does seem a bit off to say 'sorry DB, I'd love to have you at my family wedding but we've chosen a house that won't have space for you.' Confused

Surely you decide on the priority guest list first and choose the house around the numbers, not the other way around? If I were your DB I'd be a bit miffed at a last minute invitation on the basis that someone's boyfriend has pulled out. Hmm

tiddlyipom · 21/01/2018 04:06

I can't get over that your brother hasn't been invited, sorry.
I would be so hurt if one of my siblings left me out of their wedding celebrations.
To answer your question, make it clear that the rooms have been allocated and can't be changed, perhaps SIL and her partner could find alternative accommodation if they're not happy.

SilverBirchTree · 21/01/2018 04:08

Wait, why not invite your brother?

Yes, they are being so so rude, but don’t link their CF request with your brother’s absence, that was your decision.

eggncress · 21/01/2018 04:09

I would say that as you have already changed arrangements for him once you can’t do so again as you feel it will be mucking the other guests about.
If he/ they say they are not coming,so be it.
Definitely see if you can invite your brother somehow.. he is family and this other bloke isn’t.

HuskyMcClusky · 21/01/2018 04:14

You can’t uninvite him, that would be rude. You can politely tell your fiancé’s sister that that’s the only option, as you’ve already changed rooms for them once.

I’m gobsmacked that you didn’t invite your brother, though! Shock

Original poster
14spanner · 21/01/2018 04:15

Thanks for the responses, I’ll get DP to say we are unable to swap rooms and leave the ball in their court.

Brother is not invited at all, he has a young family and his wife will not travel over here (significant distance) and he wouldn’t bring the children so he would be away from his family for a long time. He has recently been made redundant too so I need to make sure he doesn’t feel pressured to book a flight.

This is my second marriage, DB played a big part in the first one.

When I say not invited it sounds awful doesn’t it? DB and I have spoken and he fully understands.

OP posts:
Doobigetta · 21/01/2018 04:15

It does seem really odd not to book somewhere with enough room for your immediate family. Was that really the reason for not inviting your brother, or were you given him an excuse not to need to travel? Definitely don't give in to the boyfriend's demands. But if SIL comes on her own, you still won't have room- unless you're thinking she and your brother will share a room?

Original poster
14spanner · 21/01/2018 04:19

She would share a twin room with her mum and my brother would have her double

OP posts:
HuskyMcClusky · 21/01/2018 04:20

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset

^ This sounds different to your update. Weird.

MrsDilber · 21/01/2018 04:21

I wouldn't give them the option raven says. I'd TELL them where you want to put them and explicitly say, if he doesn't want to come on the back of it, please let me know by .... give a specific date and say you'll assume he's not coming unless you hear otherwise.

I would not mention your brother at this point, as they'll think you're doing it to get your brother in, rather than because they're taking the piss, which they are.

Somersetter · 21/01/2018 04:22

But I thought your brother can't afford the flight? I'm confused...

Fionne · 21/01/2018 04:23

OP, I would just say to SIL that it’s not possible to make anymore changes due to the configuration of the cottage and you’ll leave it to her and her partner to do what they think is for the best.

LolitaLempicka · 21/01/2018 04:23

But to not invite him? I live overseas and my family leave me out of everything. It is shit.

Original poster
14spanner · 21/01/2018 04:28

Oh shit. I’ve really messed up haven’t I.

OP posts:
Bowerbird5 · 21/01/2018 04:28

Agree tell them you can't keep swapping other people around. The other option is they can stay in the coach house but will have to fund it themselves. This would also free up a room for DB.

I would be tempted to just say " Fine!" To the text and leave him out. What a Prima Donna!

Hope you have a lovely day and that your brother can come he sounds like he wants to come.

HoppingPavlova · 21/01/2018 04:30

I just can’t get past the lack of invite to DB. Surely if his personal circumstances are such that he can’t attend he would decline the invitation and you would fully understand. As opposed to you haven’t invited him but it’s okay, he understands which is what you have said. Just can’t get past this aspect, it’s baffling.

As for the other just tell the person that’s their room, take it or leave it and if they leave it then fine. Then you will have room to invite your brother ............ who probably can’t attend anyway but at least will get an invite ........

Somersetter · 21/01/2018 04:34

If you really think you've messed up, get on the phone to your brother today - say 'I
"I've messed up - I didn't invite you because of redundancy / flights / etc but now I wish I had as I really want you there. Will you still come? I'll figure something out with the accommodation."

Do not wait until SIL's partner drops out otherwise it looks like your brother's s back-up just making up the numbers.

Original poster
14spanner · 21/01/2018 04:42

I hadn’t even thought of asking him to come but with him staying elsewhere (nearby)

I’m such a twat

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 21/01/2018 04:48

Your DB could have stayed with you in the coach house surely? But if he can’t attend due to flight cost now he won’t be able to when your CF BIL drops out either. Yes BIL is a CF.