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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:
elessar · 21/01/2018 09:17

I'm also amazed at you not inviting your brother. I think you've changed your tune as it's not due to cost - if this was booked in 2016 he'd have had plenty of time to save.

Your original reason given was the size of the accommodation and that seems totally backwards to me - surely the thing to do would have been to book somewhere with enough space for all your close family to stay. If I was your brother I'd be very hurt.

Even more so if there are other rooms available in the coach house that you've chosen not to book.

WipsGlitter · 21/01/2018 09:17

You've also made the mistake of telling people stuff. You should have waited until they arrived and said "this is your room".

Is this your and DPs family in the one house?I'd hate that unless they know each other really well. There's no way in a million years my mum would have done that. Who wants virtual strangers watching you shuffle about in your pjs.

inlectorecumbit · 21/01/2018 09:20

give the room to your BD
Put SIL and twatface put in a room about an hour away and don't pay for travel to get there

KeepCalm · 21/01/2018 09:25

@RidingWindhorses I didn't think it was being rude at all. I believed it showed she has already accommodated the SIL's first request and is now accepting the result of an ultimatum that the SIL has thrown at her

The SIL is the only rude one here and the Op & her DP should be absolutely pulling her on it. SIL should be prepared to not have her DP there if that's the threat she's using.

Hardly a threat in my opinion. Oh dear, I won't have to pay for a free weekend for you AND your CF partner?!? Shame. And carry on.....

Sod the pandering. Life's too short and it sounds like she has a good enough relationship with her brother to get in touch and say 'I've made a mistake, please let's work out how we can get you here'

Viviennemary · 21/01/2018 09:27

I think it's really bad that your brother was not invited. Why didn't you get accommodation big enough so he could be. It would be even cheekier to invite him now that the other guests are being awkward. I think the damage is done and uninviting people at this late stage is unthinkable.

KeepCalm · 21/01/2018 09:28

And I get what pp mean about being near a loo however they WERE in an enauite room in the first place but spat the dummy about single beds.

So surely the SIL would approach MIL and say DP needs and ensuite Mum, can we swap back? I don't want to bother OP as she's already been kind enough to accommodate a move and it's such a minor thing when she's being so generous.

But no. Petulant snarky text re DP who cannot possible come?

Fine. Of you pop SIL DP. You'll not be missed by anyone other than her......

JustAnIdiot · 21/01/2018 09:29

They'd have their own bathroom anyway, so I don't see what the problem is. BIL is being ridiculous.

KeepCalm · 21/01/2018 09:29

@Viviennemary she explained her reasoning for the non invite and has already decided she's been a twat and is trying to rectify this mistake.

Considering the content of her AIBU It's hardly the point of the threat now is it?

mindutopia · 21/01/2018 09:32

I would give whoever wants to come and stay in the cottage the option to do so in the rooms you have available. Anyone else who doesn't like that option, aren't happy with the rooms, or there isn't room but you'd like them to be there, can sort their own accommodation. It's much more important that people are there for your wedding and to celebrate with you. It doesn't matter where they sleep. You've been gracious to sort accommodation, but if they don't like it, they can sort their own. I would stick to your offer as it stands and let your SIL and her partner decide for themselves if they want the room you have available or if you'll stay somewhere else nearby. And yes, invite your brother.

timeisnotaline · 21/01/2018 09:43

I would t give her room options, just say I’m sorry we can’t rearrange people again, make sure you give them a date to confirm her dp is not coming by.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 09:43

I would not give in, you are paying and you call the shots, you tell them this. If they are unhappy, they can stay in a hotel at their own expense.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 09:46

Why are people focussing on the brother? He is irrelevant insofar as the CF is concerned.

RB68 · 21/01/2018 10:02

Quite honestly I would book SIL and Fiance a travel lodge with en suite and invite my brother. Let SIP organise her own transport etc.

RB68 · 21/01/2018 10:02

SIP=SIL

BattleaxeGalactica · 21/01/2018 10:02

I think your mistake was in accommodating bogzilla's demands first time round. Letting him dictate your arrangements all over again would compound it. Definitely time to refuse to fanny around any further and leave it up to them. Set a deadline for a decision though or you may find he drops out last minute leaving you with an empty room DB or someone else could have used.

BewareOfDragons · 21/01/2018 10:07

I would tell SIL to like it or lump it. She sounds like a spoiled, self-centered brat.

She's not the bride, she's a guest who's having everything paid for, and you've already accommodated her first whinge about her room and moved someone else around to cater to it.

Tell her if she's going to lump it, she has to tell you today so you can put someone else in that room.

kokosnuss · 21/01/2018 10:08

Sounds to me like she’s decided she wants the romance of a double bed, and he’s said no thanks he’d prefer a toilet so she’s now trying to backtrack!

My DH has IBS involving urgency, so a shared toilet in a group accommodation would be his nightmare. At a push, maybe it’s something like that and he’s not happy sharing that with you all?

But I’d just tell them to like it or lump it unless there’s a specific reason they need an en suite.

relaxitllbeok · 21/01/2018 10:17

What they all said, but I do wonder what this story would sound like told by someone other than OP. There's the odd hint, for example, that she may be making decisions in a way that could make guests twitchy, eg it sounds as though she's assuming she could move SIL to sharing with SIL's mother, unilaterally. So hmm.

another20 · 21/01/2018 10:19

They have ruined it now haven't they? Only 12 people going and 2 are either going to be seethingly resentful - them if they dont get their way - you if they do. What other tantrums / stunts will they pull on the day.

You dont need people like this pissing on your chips in the lead up to and on your wedding day. I would be encouraging them to stomp off in a sulk and not turn up - what a relief for everyone!

And I would be on the phone to my brother (who was "upset but understands" - understands what exactly? that venue was more important than blood?) - to apologise unreservedly offer to pay for his flight - get the nice people back in the frame.

SoupDragon · 21/01/2018 10:20

I do wonder what this story would sound like told by someone other than OP.

How do you think an alternative version would go then? I’m not sure how the SIL asking to change rooms again having complained and been accommodated once already can be spun in a positive light.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 10:22

They are behaving like guestzillas, they should be happy that their stay is paid for, when we have had overnight weddings, we had to quite rightly pay for a hotel, spoiled brats. Don't give in to them, have the day you want, if they go off in a strop and don't want to come because you don't want to accommodate their unreasonable demands, so be it, two less guests to pay for.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/01/2018 10:24

They are what you call on Mumsnet, cheeky fuckers, of CF!

Hygge · 21/01/2018 10:25

SIL's boyfriend isn't being 'uninvited' by the OP.

He's declining the invitation because none of the rooms he's been offered are acceptable to him.

He's been offered and rejected two different rooms and wants to see a third option.

Because he can't possibly, for just one night, sleep in a twin bed or walk across a landing to a bathroom.

He may have reasons for needing an en-suite bathroom but if that is the case, you'd have thought they would have taken the first room offered to them, because it had one.

The brother not being invited can't come anyway because of his family, his finances, and the distance he would have to travel. They've talked that through and they seem to have worked it out together, so they are both understanding even if they are also disappointed.

But as others have said, it doesn't really have a bearing on this issue of SIL and her boyfriend.

I wouldn't mention your brother when you talk to SIL. Decide what you want to offer her, and stick to it.

In my case that would be saying that they can return to their original room with the twin beds and en-suite, or stay in the double room with the bathroom across the hall.

I would be checking with the other couple first to make sure that's okay though. They might also prefer an en-suite to a bathroom across the hall, and not care about having twin beds.

They've already agreed to move once, I think they deserve to be asked if they'd mind moving again.

And if they say no, SIL will have to either take the new room she asked for and her boyfriend will have to decide if a bathroom is a good enough reason to let his girlfriend down on the day.

TheLegendOfBeans · 21/01/2018 10:25

This thread is bugging me.

The OP clearly states in her OP that her DB is cool with not being invited.

She then states that he lives far far away and isn’t likely to be able to afford the trip never mind being parted from his family.

The folk who “can’t get over” the OP not inviting DB are doing the poor soul no favours: stop making her feel bad for doing the right thing which is having a mature adult conversation with her DB and knowing that to extend an invite may put pressure on him it sounds like he could do without.

To answer the OP’s actual question, YANBU. As a PP said keep telling them again and again that sadly no further changes can be made to accommodation.
If the SIL’s DP doesn’t make it then that’s his lookout. If there are mobility or other issues that would make it a necessity for him to have an ensuite then that should have been made clear

grandmanotmummy · 21/01/2018 10:27

As someone fairly new to the family if he's not been a long term bf, he sounds like a rude twat! This is still a very rude thing to do after being in the family for years. Who demands shit like that! He should be grateful he's being included. They are making out you're expecting them to camp in a field without any toilet facilities.

You're probably better off without him there, he'll likely be an entitled twat, get really drunk and behave like a complete arse.
Tell them it would perhaps be better for them to arrange their own accommodation nearby, likely will end in SIL not going, win win by the sounds of it!