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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:
HuskyMcClusky · 21/01/2018 04:51

You’re not a twat, just ask him now. Smile

I have been in a similar position to him: living overseas, studying (so short of $$), etc, and people not inviting me to things. They thought they were doing me a favour but it hurt and I wished they’d invited me and let me decide.

pasturesgreen · 21/01/2018 04:59

Surely placing your DB in the coach house was the obvious solution, if he's willing/able to come?

Sorry, but I can't get past the fact you invited your fiance's sister (and her husband whom you've met twice), but not your own brother. Way to go to cement family relations 😕

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/01/2018 05:07

"No, sorry"

End of.

And maybe cut back on something else so you can contribute to your brothers air fare.

ApacheEchidna · 21/01/2018 05:08

Can you book an ensuite double room at a b&b within a half-hour taxi ride? Whilst I would agree that planning to accommodate any guest separately from the outset would have been unwelcoming, now that SIL's DP has been a PITA twice it would be entirely fine and not unreasonable to accommodate these demands off-site. You can then invite your db without uninviting sildp

RidingWindhorses · 21/01/2018 05:28

No you can't uninvite someone but you can say that unforunately their demand request for en suite bathroom cannot be accommodated and you don't have one yourself. It's either twin with ensuite or double with bathroom opposite. You're terribly sorry if that means DP can't attend.

Then tell DB he's most welcome to come if he wants and find him a suitable bnb/Airbnb.

toomuchfaster · 21/01/2018 06:04

Can I just point out that the other day there was a thread on here about a couple in whom the husband needed an ensuite for medical reasons. Bit different, I know, in that they had booked their own accommodation, but do you have all the information as you've only met him twice?
Also, agree with PPs; chat to your DB as a separate issue.

MidniteScribbler · 21/01/2018 06:17

Can't you just ask the accommodation if they can shove the two beds together instead of it being a twin? Pretty much everywhere that has accommodation has this option as it allows for more flexibility.

But also point out to CF SIL and her BF that accommodation is offered as is, and there is another hotel down the road they can stay at if what is on offer doesn't suit them. It will only cost them xx to book a room there, here's the phone number.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2018 06:27

You’ve prioritised the wrong person. It’s ok. Don’t beat yourself up. This is the thing about entitled idiots, they create drama and you end up appeasing them every which way.

I’d send them a text saying “We are sorry, unfortunately there is no double room available with ensuite in the cottage. We did offer the option of a twin with ensuite. We are saddened by your choice not to attend because you don’t like our choice of venue. Perhaps you would consider paying for a local hotel, which is more to your taste.”

LoveProsecco · 21/01/2018 06:29

SILvsiunds very entitled

Justanothernameonthepage · 21/01/2018 06:33

Talk to your DB first.
Then to SIL 'turns out we can't change your room again, but I've found some airb&b/hotels nearby where you can get your perfect room if you really want your DP to come. Otherwise we completely understand that he can't make it so please don't feel guilty.'

restingbemusedface · 21/01/2018 06:34

You can’t not invite immediate family to your wedding because their own personal circumstance mean they may not be able to come. It’s their choice if they come or not, but an invite shows you want them there.

JapaneseBirdPainting · 21/01/2018 06:43

Don't beat yourself up - you sound stressed to buggery you poor thing.

I'd be saying to the SIl that th change and reallocation does not work, so if it really dos not suit their needs then they might look to booking a B&B close by.

You know the situation with your brother best- but talk with him if you need to.

Can you ask a trusted family member (either side) to ward off issues with others at the pass so you don't hear of them? You sound so stressed and that will ony mean that neither you nor DP get to enjoy your own wedding. That hardly seems fair.

goodluck.

Theresnonamesleft · 21/01/2018 06:45

Hi cf'er
Rooms have already been allocated for the final time. I cannot change them again. If this isn't acceptable, then please feel free to source and pay for accommodation suitable to your requirements. Regardless of what you decide, can you please let me know asap.

and yea invite your brother

LunaMay · 21/01/2018 06:52

I'd tell him he needs to decide between the two rooms offered and let you know by a certain date.

Is there no way your brother could be fitted into the cottage at all? Would they allow/know an extra person was there? In this situation one of my siblings would just bunker down on an air mattress somewhere, its only for a weekend.

YesMam · 21/01/2018 06:56

It's the invitation to attend that matters rather than if he can actually come. An invitation shows that you care enough to want their presence at the celebration but also gives the guest the option of declining. I was invited to my brother's wedding at a tropical destination but declined as I had a newborn and a toddler and was on mat leave. I still received a glossy invite and piece of wedding cake when they came home. You need to invite your brother but I think you already know this by now.

Don't prioritise your sil's boyfriend over your brother, your brother is family and the boyfriend isn't. The boyfriend might be a long line of boyfriends and this cf is taking advantage of your generous hospitality.

DeadGood · 21/01/2018 06:58

“You can’t not invite immediate family to your wedding because their own personal circumstance mean they may not be able to come. It’s their choice if they come or not, but an invite shows you want them there.”

This

StealthPolarBear · 21/01/2018 07:05

Toomuch I thought of that thread too

Theresnonamesleft · 21/01/2018 07:06

I wouldn't let him choose between the two rooms. The first room gave them an en-suite but because it was a twin it wasn't acceptable. They either suck it up and take the double they have been offered, book and pay for something elsewhere or stay at home. That's more than ample choice.

Imagine if all the guests started whining about the room they were allocated?

KeepCalm · 21/01/2018 07:09

he won't be attending unless he gets one

^^this

Dear SIL

Sorry to hear your DP won't make it after all. Thanks for letting me know in advance. I've now popped you in with your Mum and have allocated the resulting double room slot to my DB.

Thanks again!

Job. Done.

She's being a CF but by making demands has given you the 'out' you need to rectify mistake with DB.

She shouldn't be making ultimatums if she's not prepared to follow through.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2018 07:11

KeepCalm

Actually you’re right. I’m still trying to be too nice. Boundaries. Boundaries.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 21/01/2018 07:16

Say sorry they can’t have the ensuite as it’s already allocated but not to worry if he doesn’t want to attend as a result. He needs to let you know either way this week.

RidingWindhorses · 21/01/2018 07:21

KeepCalm's idea, while one might be tempted, is so staggeringly rude and gauche it outweighs the cheek of asking for room rearrangements.

The only thing you can say is 'terribly sorry that can't be accommodated, if he can't come that's a shame'.

If he chooses not to come, then you stick SIL in with her mum.

SpringSnowdrop · 21/01/2018 07:21

I do think it was a shame with leaving your dB out as whatever his situation he should be given the opportunity to decide whether it’s too difficult - all you needed to say to him is i really don’t expect you to come if it’s too far but would love you to?
It’s good you’re thinking this through and I would definitely say you made a mistake as didn’t want him feeling pressured to come but that all along you would have loved him to if it isn’t too hard.

JingsMahBucket · 21/01/2018 07:29

Aww, don’t feel bad OP. HuskyMcClusky makes a great point about just giving DB a choice. Are there other accommodations on the property you could rent for your DB?

Pluckedpencil · 21/01/2018 07:31

I'd say the room is the room and call them on it. Bet they back down.