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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:
HappyHedgehog247 · 21/01/2018 07:33

Is there any way you could pay for brother's flights on just this one occasion?

Pluckedpencil · 21/01/2018 07:33

And you will regret not inviting brother. Get a room in the coach House for him and apologise for being a bridezilla. We often get blind in the planning but multiple people here are telling you that is a dick move.

TinyBuddhettes · 21/01/2018 07:34

Sorry I have not read the thread beyond the OP but I just can't get passed the fact that you didn't invite your brother because there was not enough space in the house you have rented. I think you will regret this.

IdaDown · 21/01/2018 07:36

Why are you contacting SiL and her partner? Why not your DP, as it’s his DSis?

Get him (DP) to sort it out.

MidniteScribbler · 21/01/2018 07:42

KeepCalm's idea, while one might be tempted, is so staggeringly rude and gauche it outweighs the cheek of asking for room rearrangements.

I don't think it is. The reason CFers keep being CFers is because people don't call them on their bullshit. SIL just expects the OP to rearrange everything because she has made an ultimatum. Better to just say 'what a shame you can't make it' and then watch the penny drop as they realise they are missing out.

I started oing this a few years ago with the CFers in my life. "I won't be able to go if you don't drive 30 minutes out of your way to pick me up". "Oh, what a shame, we'll miss seeing you there." Stop letting them assume that they can lay the guilt trip on you and you will do their bidding. Instead, turn it back on them, take them at their word, and get on with it. They suddenly start to manage getting themselves places when they realise you won't tolerate their bullshit.

LolitaLempicka · 21/01/2018 07:43

OP, I feel a bit bad that I made you feel bad about not inviting your brother. I think you did it from a good place as you did not want to put pressure on him to come when things aren’t so good for him at the moment. So I am sorry if I made you feel bad, but can I just say, invite him now, don’t feel bad about not doing so before I am sure he understands. Tell him you would love him to come but you totally understand if he can’t. As for the CFuckery of your sil’s bf, fuck that noise. You have bent over backwards to accommodate them, let the cunt drop out. —and don’t ever forget 😂—

LolitaLempicka · 21/01/2018 07:45

Overuse of the word bad there 😂 such a badass

BattleCuntGalactica · 21/01/2018 07:48

Honestly, you've made provisions and have invited folks based on that. They're grown adults, so if they aren't keen on what's being provided, they can sort their own accommodations out elsewhere. You aren't going to be able to please everyone.

If you can have your brother over then do so, but for folks being awkward and making you rehash things, that's their responsibility to fix, not yours.

RadioGaGoo · 21/01/2018 07:54

I don't think the OP sounds like a Bridezilla or did a dick move. It sounds like she discussed everything with her DB and on the basis of those discussions, decided not to send him an invite. Whilst that may have been a mistake on her part (because as previously mentioned, even if you know someone might not be able to attend, it's still nice to invite them so they can decided) I don't think she falls into the Bridezilla category.

Lizzie48 · 21/01/2018 07:57

I completely agree with BattleCuntGalactica, OP, that you can't please everyone, so just say, 'no, sorry' to your SIL and her DP, they can stay elsewhere if they don't want the room.

Re your DB, I do echo what PPs have said, that it's definitely not too late to make it clear to him that you would really like him to come, you just don't want him to feel pressured to come. He'll understand, as you're clearly very close.

grobagsforever · 21/01/2018 08:03

I'd send @KeepCalm 's excellent text without hesitation. I cannot imagine anyone I know ever complaining about which FREE room they had been allocated! I wouldn't have switched them after their first request either. I'm amazed anyone puts up with this shit.

gingerbreadmam · 21/01/2018 08:04

I can see their point. Dp and I get up a couple of times a night for the loo. I would hate doing that sharing a house with other people. We don't have any medical issues either its just something we both do.

I would tell them you can't swap because it sounds like you can't but even if he doesn't come I don't think you should swap rooms for your bridesmaid. Kind of sounds like a punishment. I would also be prepared for them saying they both won't come because they might not feel it reasonable / affordable to book a separate room to be a bridesmaid / guest at someone's wedding and again I wouldn't want to spend the weekend away from my partner.

Brother is a separate issue and as someone else said up thread it is his decision whether he can make it or not. I would definitely extend and invitation with the understanding that if he can't make it for any reason you understand that but if he can you would love him to be there.

ghostiechicken · 21/01/2018 08:13

Part of me wants to say fuck them, but perhaps the bridesmaid might prefer the double room. Let her and her DH decide, but you'd have to make it clear to the CFs that it's a choice of the twin ensuite or the double without, and the ultimate decision isn't up to you because you can't switch the bridesmaid's rooms ~again~ unless she's happy to do so.

QOD · 21/01/2018 08:16

Brother over bil for sure

eurochick · 21/01/2018 08:18

If having an ensuite was a priority they shouldn't have complained about the ensuite room they were allocated!

I am also surprised at the brother not being invited. He must be hurt.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/01/2018 08:22

I can see their point. Dp and I get up a couple of times a night for the loo. I would hate doing that sharing a house with other people. We don't have any medical issues either its just something we both do

Perhaps you would have thought about that when you initially declined the en suite room they had been allocated to start with

Ilovecamping · 21/01/2018 08:23

He could always sleep on an airbed in another room so you are all together, I think you have tried to think of the expense he could incur whilst not having a job. It is your day so enjoy.

honeylulu · 21/01/2018 08:25

Be firm. Just say the second room offered is still available at the moment. It may be possible to change back to the original room but only if the bridesmaid is willing as she has already put up with being messed around once. Can they let you know by x date if either/ both are coming or not and that you will understand and accept their decision.

Your brother is another issue. Please do make clear to him that he is invited and very welcome if he is willing and able to come. Apologise if that wasn't clear but explain that you hadn't wanted to put him under pressure because of his family/money issues. It sounds like he probably won't come (but will appreciate being asked) and on the off chance he can come you will have to think of something regarding accommodation.

Clutterbugsmum · 21/01/2018 08:27

Personally I would tel SIL and her BF that you have already re arrange the to accommodate the previous request for a double room, and they agreed this was OK at the time. I'm thinking BF will only accept the master bedroom, which I assume one of your parents have. So they can either put up and shut up or they can pay for alternative sleeping accommodation near by. I wouldn't be paying for any other accommodation for them.

I understand that you don't want to cause your brother any financial or family issues as his wife doesn't want to travel long distances with children. Can you visit them and do something special with them in the near future.

Shadow666 · 21/01/2018 08:28

I understand you have been planning this for a while but I think a large family holiday can be a difficult dynamic unless you have all been away together before.

I would offer SIL and her DF the option of accomodation nearby. A lot of people wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing a house with people they don’t know well and he might have IBS or other issues.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/01/2018 08:28

If one reason that you are not inviting him is his recent redundancy and cost of flight, is there any possibility that he will get another job in the next few months?

PollyBanana · 21/01/2018 08:30

I don't like sharing bathrooms due to my IBS which is why I would have been quite happy with the original twin with ensuite.
SIL and her partner are very entitled

EatTheChocolateTeapot · 21/01/2018 08:34

You could send address of local hotel where they can find what they need, at their own cost.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/01/2018 08:35

SILs DP, is a very CF ! Do not change plans for him.
You are not a twat, things can be put right, as you and your DB, have a great relationship.
Hope your DP sticks to the plan.

eggsandwich · 21/01/2018 08:35

You are wrong to not invite your brother, I was in a similar situation with my brother where he invited all and sundry an not only didn’t invite me but I didn’t know about the celebration.

When I finally found out and asked my brother why I’d not been invited he said “it’s too far for you to come” the fact his wife’s sister had to travel even further to get there was a kick in the teeth.

It should of been my decision to go or not and sadly it broke our relationship and I cut all ties with him six years ago and haven’t seen or spoken to him since, I don’t wish ill of him but couldn’t get past it and even now I feel that I just wasn’t that important to him.