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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give in to wedding guests demands

329 replies

14spanner · 21/01/2018 03:36

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

OP posts:

snowbellj · 21/01/2018 08:35

I think you should invite Db and let him decide if he can make it or not?

Justwaitingforaline · 21/01/2018 08:38

I feel like I read the reverse of this thread a week or so ago...

Bazzle · 21/01/2018 08:38

I think your brother sounds like he would have wanted to come and TBH would have muse a much nicer guest than these CF future in-laws.

I'd also be worried about what demands they'll make over the actual wedding weekend if they are being this rude already!

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/01/2018 08:38

Polly
I agree. I have ME and need to be near a loo. And a lot of comfort. The twin room would have been my choice over a double bed. In the years before dd and being chronically ill, dh and I pushed the beds together if we got twin beds in places on holiday we paid for. How hard can that be?

DivisionBelle · 21/01/2018 08:40

What HoneyLulu said.

Just laugh and say “this is a cottage we have booked: twin and en suite, or double and your own bathroom opposite, that’s what we can offer. It’s not a hotel! “. Actually your DP should be sorting it, it’s his family, he needs to tell tnem to behave.

Lonecatwithkitten · 21/01/2018 08:42

We are getting married next year at a venue with accommodation which we are hosting family in. DP's sis has CFuckery history so no one will be told their rooms till they arrive.

weedoogie · 21/01/2018 08:48

If he had a medical condition that required an en suite, surely you would know about it by now?

I think he's a CF. It sounds like it's going to be a fantastic weekend, small group of family, everything paid for, I'd be there like a shot and happy to sleep in a cupboard under the stairs. What kind of person can't put up with a single night without a bathroom en suite? Can't manage to put a dressing gown on and cross a corridor to a private bathroom. To be frank, I'd prefer that to an ensuite because it's more private....

I think CFs should be called out wherever possible - I'm in awe of people who have the nerve to do it

Have a great time and don't worry about any drama queens/kings

SandyDenny · 21/01/2018 08:49

Definitely don't change the plans again for the en suite CF.

Say it's a shame he can't come and move on.

It doesn't sound like OP went out of her way to not invite her DB, it sounds like she thoughtfully discussed the situation with him. Should she have sent an actual invitation just so he could politely decline? That's a bit odd, it's a small wedding, the DB lives a long way away, he has young children, a wife who doesn't want to travel, no job. If he was posting everyone would be telling him the bride was a bridezilla and totally unreasonable to expect him to go.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/01/2018 08:49

You need to tread carefully with your brother, the house is booked since 2016, if my sister booked that long ago and didn't invite me but then waited till 7 months before, knowing I was recently made redundant and miles away I would not only be hurt but angry and I would think she was a bitch to put me in that position when I wasn't wanted in the first place, it would destroy what little was left of our relationship after the original lack of invite.

A simple text to sil "That's a pity but don't worry, i'm sure he will understand why we won't change, I understand he won't be coming, thanks for letting me know", don't even mention your brother because once you send that text she will withdraw the threat anyway

CharizMa · 21/01/2018 08:50

I understood that OP and her brother had talked about the plans and his own finances were the main reason he's not coming. A last chance wanna change your mind invite would still be nice even if he still cant come.

alotalotalot · 21/01/2018 08:51

Just ask them to choose which of the two options they want. But I'd make sure I let them know that they were bu by the tone of my voice. There would definitely be a tone of exasperation there.

MrTrebus · 21/01/2018 08:53

Simply say "this is OUR WEDDING yet this is just a weekend away for You, you can either have twin room with ensuite or double room no ensuite or dont come" just be blunt I can't believe for 1 or 2 nights away they're making an issue but your bridesmaid sounds like she doesn't mind so see what they say
Hopefully neither of the silly fuckers will come and your brother can have a twin room to himself.

lavenderhoney · 21/01/2018 08:55

You could have sent your db an invite and let him decide. Not too late to give him a call.

Sil and her dp - your dp could deal with it- just say what a pp said about oh dear and popping her in with her DM. Or she and her dp book elsewhere, and can they let you know ASAP.

I had a very small wedding and was horrified at the entitled behaviour of a a couple of guests and their partners. I should have posted on mn:)

Butteredparsn1ps · 21/01/2018 08:58

I’d need to know if the request is really driven by SIL’s DP, or whether actually he knows nothing about it and it is SIL being demanding?

I’d also offer to source exactly the accommodation they want so long as they pay for it.

BlondeB83 · 21/01/2018 09:03

I would say sorry, that’s not going to be possible and I’m very sorry he cannot attend. Luckily, I have someone in reserve, I’ll call them now.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 21/01/2018 09:03

I don't understand about the DB. If he can't come because of cost and leaving his children, why does that change if there's suddenly a bed available in the house? Makes no sense.

Crumbs1 · 21/01/2018 09:06

They’re being spoilt. Most people pay for their own accommodation when attending a wedding. I’d tell them I wasn’t rearranging the rooms again, that is the accommodation on offer but if luxury is important they can stay at......and send links to nearby hotels.

Then I’d get on to FaceTime and tell my brother I was sorry and really wanted him there and had been wrong not to include him. See whether together you can come up with a plan that leaves you both content.

NoIdeaWhatToSay · 21/01/2018 09:06

Oh OP, I was all set to say blah blah blah stop being dramatic - but you're totally NBU at all. You've been sucked into accommodating cheeky fuckers at the expense of your family.

Tell SIL no - sorry, you've accommodated their request already and you can't move everything around again for them. You need to know if the DP is coming, if he's not happy then so be it.

Ring your brother - explain all, he might decide to come over. You could actually find accommodating for him before you ring so there's a solution should he decide to come.

SIL is a non-issue. She can sulk or she can grow up. Either way, it's not your problem.

Good luck x

JaneEyre70 · 21/01/2018 09:06

Your mistake was allocating rooms - first come first served and no long drawn out debates beforehand. Simply send a group text saying due to concerns about bedroom allocations, we have now decided it is first come first served as to choice, we are too busy arranging a wedding to worry about who sleeps where in a house that will sleep everyone.

But please do invite your brother. Even if he doesn't make it, to not be included must feel awful for him. If he can't make it, can someone video call him on the day so he's included?

butterfly990 · 21/01/2018 09:07

I love KeepCalm's solution

Other option tell SIL to swap with her Mother.

MaggieFS · 21/01/2018 09:07

Very CF. I wouldn't be trying to find them accom. elsewhere as that will probably open up another drama (how do we get a taxi, why are we excluded,blah, blah, blah) plus it defeats OP's objective of family weekend away.

Options are stick, revert to twin en suite or go into B&G's room in coach house.

I do think it's unfortunate though that OP didn't choose somewhere big enough in the first place and DB should be offered something - even if an air bed.

Dahlietta · 21/01/2018 09:09

I don't understand about the DB. If he can't come because of cost and leaving his children, why does that change if there's suddenly a bed available in the house? Makes no sense.

I agree. You didn't invite him in the first place because he can't afford to come. If he can afford to come if this bloke pulls out, why didn't you invite him?

elessar · 21/01/2018 09:10

Although I agree it sounds like SIL and her DP are being cheeky and difficult, I'm wondering about how the rooms were divvied out to begin with.

How many doubles with ensuites were there, how many rooms without ensuite, how many twins? Did other couples (apart from bridesmaid and SIL) get allocated twins? Were they at the bottom of the pecking order (so to speak) for the room allocation, or is everyone in the same boat?

If the other couples were all given doubles I can sort of understand why they might be slightly put out. And when they asked to switch did they know that an alternative double had no ensuite available - if it wasn't stated then I can understand their assumption.

Given that the room is free they should put up and shut up to be honest, but I can also see why they might be a bit miffed - in particularly if other family members have 'better' rooms. It's a minefield.

I feel quite sorry for your bridesmaid and I hope you won't ask her to move again. Maybe give her the choice of which room she would prefer and then SIL can have the other?

Bridechilla · 21/01/2018 09:11

Can you suggest nearby accommodation that has ensuites, and tell them to sort themselves... y'know if his life depends on it

Then that frees up a double for your DB and family. You can always invite, they don't all have to be able attend, but it's polite.

QueenArnica · 21/01/2018 09:13

I wouldn’t uninvite him but would just say unfortunately that won’t be possible over and over again.

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