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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teacher described me as hopeless

424 replies

Bluepeony · 20/01/2018 16:09

I got a phone call yesterday about some missing homework and I responded politely.

Anyway, we had said goodbye and I heard the teacher say to someone else ‘she is hopeless isn’t she, ‘

I get she didn’t mean me to hear but I’m still so angry ... should I say anything?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 10:50

I don’t think so; we’ve never had such a draconian reaction to such offences before. I think she’s young and new and wants to make an impression. She’d have made a better impression by not calling me hopeless!

OP posts:
Pidlan · 21/01/2018 10:56

Just RTFT. I don't think you're hopeless at all. How were you supposed to know about the rudeness if the teacher didn't tell you? Your DS sounds like he needs a lot of reassuring.

Also have to say that I am horrified with the horrible lack of sympathy, and the basic cruelty of posts by wolfie - I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I'd posted that shit.

inashizzle · 21/01/2018 10:57

I have heard some teachers make negative statements after a parent has left the classroom - completely unprofessional .

I wouldn't confront teacher, she's probably a Miss Prissy pants type who either hasn't had children yet or is in for a shock at some point as even the 'best child' in the world is going to be cheeky at some pointGrin

Is there a pastoral care or similar at school? If there's been a change in your son's progress and/or behaviour, they really should be supportive , liasing between the three of you to address the problem effectively. Make that call Monday and slip in, I'm not sure if son's teacher meant that I was hopeless or anyone else but it left you feeling confused . Perhaps say if teacher did mean to you , how would the school like you to make changes? I'm sure whoever deals with it will be embarrassed that teacher has been out of order and will give empathy and support.

roundaboutthetown · 21/01/2018 11:07

Bluepeony - it would certainly make the school, and particularly the teacher, squirm if you went in and said you had overheard the teacher and instead of being angry, asked them why they thought you were hopeless, as it had hurt you deeply to be described that way and you would like to change whatever it was they thought you were getting wrong, if only you knew what that was...

MatildaTheCat · 21/01/2018 11:11

If you tell her what you heard I’m almost sure the teacher will become defensive and upset. It will only worsen the situation.

I would go and see her for sure and ask if Joe needs further support and be clear you hadn’t been aware of his rudeness. Talk to her and have a constructive conversation. You really do have to give her the information she needs as sadly, it’s been like getting blood from a stone on this thread. I’m so sorry you are unwell and exhausted but I would genuinely look to use this as an opportunity to make some positive changes. Maybe say something like, ‘I feel you might be thinking I’m not supporting Joe at school and I’m keen to work with you on this.’

11 is very young to have reached a stage where you cannot control his homework at all. He will really struggle at secondary school if you don’t all work together to get him back on track.

Best wishes.

strugglingtodomybest · 21/01/2018 11:14

I'm sorry to hear you've been so I'll op Flowers

It was the most massive drip feed ever though. I think your lack of energy is showing in your posts, which is leading posters to say that you sound hopeless.

My advice is to let it go. So what if a teacher you don't even like thinks you're hopeless? Your son will be leaving in 6 months time anyway.

The teacher behaved completely unprofessionally. I would speak to the head and expect a personal apology from the teacher.

Cringe!

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 11:18

The problem is, I can’t really go as I’m not well enough. I could send dh I suppose but I don’t think it would be particularly helpful.

I’ve asked several times what people want to know, and to my knowledge there isn’t anything I haven’t answered. So can we quit with the getting blood from stones comments. As a) they aren’t true, b) you know why I’m not posting massive long essays and c) it’s just giving wolfie and the others an excuse to have an unjustified go at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 11:19

Struggling

At the beginning of the thread, I just had ‘he hasn’t done his homework.’

I then spoke to ds and he said ‘yes, she said she’d ring you, I said, go on, ring my mum, she won’t care.’

Which puts a very different slant on things!

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 21/01/2018 11:23

An email or letter will do it.

And there's a lot a good CT can do. You;d be surprised. A good CT will just keep an eye out for him. It can be as simple as a word here or there to help him feel acknowledged and settled. Or being forethoughtful to avoid situations before the arise. Hard to outline here, because it'll be specific, situational and subtle. But good CTs do that all the time.

It's not a big deal. It's small - but very effective. Likewise your communication with the CT. Doesn't have to be a big deal. A few lines giving her a heads-up. Doesn't have to be a big, heavy meeting. Small thing.

roundaboutthetown · 21/01/2018 11:23

Bluepeony - could your ds's behaviour and his comments to the teacher be a sign that he is more affected by your current illness than you thought and it is starting to affect his behaviour at school?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/01/2018 11:24

Stop asking what people what they want to know, how can we tell you if we don’t know? People have asked questions that you took long to answer or avoided. You then claimed there could be no reason you would be called hopeless, then told everyone you have been ill and said that justified the comment. Just ring the school and ask to speak to the teacher and tell her what your son told you that he said and go from there. Why so scatty?

derxa · 21/01/2018 11:25

OP Sorry you are ill and exhausted. Your DS has been playing up because he has been worried about you. And he's had disruption with this new teacher coming. The reason for the new teacher is also relevant. Is this class badly behaved? Children do get attached to teachers even 11 year old boys. However I don't think he's the angel you've been portraying. Harsh to say this but the other teacher was agreeing that you are hopeless for whatever reason. Do you have a DP or GPs who can support you in this?

Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 21/01/2018 11:25

OP, I think I'd go back to the teacher, ignoring the comment you overhead, and explain your ds told you that he was very rude. Don't try to excuse that, but do fill in your difficulties - because they will have affected your son. Hopefully this will help your son and his teacher to move forward.

I hope you feel better soon Flowers.

Kaybush · 21/01/2018 11:26

I'm wondering if the teacher was referring to your manner on the phone rather than the late homework itself. If you've been in hospital and still have low energy, you may have sounded a bit listless and like you couldn't give one about the homework.

You may have been one of a number of parents she'd been calling to chase and she was a bit stressed by then. Hurtful to hear I know, but she didn't intend you to hear it.

If I were you, next time you see her, breezily say something like "Oh sorry if I sounded a bit hopeless on the phone, but I've been recovering from an operation." I think that's a polite way of letting her know you heard but are diplomatic enough not to raise it with her. Then watch her squirm for the next six weeks or so!

derxa · 21/01/2018 11:26

I then spoke to ds and he said ‘yes, she said she’d ring you, I said, go on, ring my mum, she won’t care.’

Which puts a very different slant on things! It certainly does.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 21/01/2018 11:27

Ok, the first sentence in my post is ridiculous. Just take out the extra words... Blush

thecatfromjapan · 21/01/2018 11:28

Yep. That does sound as though he's being stroppy in class. A small amount of stroppy but enough to indicate he's not a cheery, happy bunny in class.

Why? you don't know. Could be anything. Could be you being in hospital. Could be age. Could be anything. You don't know. You don't know if it's an issue, or if it will blow over.

All you can do is talk to him, reassure him, be calm and confident that everything's going to be good in the long run. You can keep the school in the loop that you're on the ball, that there has been stuff going on - and you recognise that this might have an effect, and you'd like them to keep you informed. You can make it clear to everyone that, yes, you do care. That reassures everyone - and makes it more likely that people (school, your ds) do keep communicating with you.

It's all small stuff. It's not big.

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 11:28

But I didn’t know that at the start of the thread!

I don’t think he’s an angel, at all, and of course he’s been affected by my being in hospital.

Thanks, kay, that’s true enough.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 21/01/2018 11:31

We know you didn't know, Blue. It's great you do now. It just shows that you can't get to the bottom of things without digging down and getting people (your son, for example) to tell you stuff, so that you can form a picture.

I'm glad you're getting to the bottom of it.

Perhaps you had an intuition more was going on than initially seemed?

inashizzle · 21/01/2018 11:50

I really wouldn't justify anything to any negative posters. Don't reply after their posts- digging and twisting over reading just to provoke. They need to bore off- you came for positive advise, your son sounded well adjusted , he's asserting himself as he might feel a bit off atm, he didn't chuck chairs at her or anything half the kids havnt said at one point. We all advise kids not to back chat, once in a blue moon they do , as we do, as actually the cheeky bitch teacher did! He will be ok xx

helenoftroyville · 21/01/2018 11:53

The fact that she phoned you means she's been having an ongoing problem with your DS, she was probably hoping for a stronger reaction and hoped that you knew about the homework assignment and were involved in supporting your son complete it and hand it in on time.

She was looking for your support in dealing with your DS, he obviously doesn't care or respect her, and I think your reply of 'oh sorry, I'll get him to do it tonight' was very dismissive and shows you don't really care either.

You need to engage with the school, have a meeting with the teacher and get to the bottom of the problem. High school is just around the corner, get this sorted now before you have bigger problems with DS in the future.

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 11:57

Helen, but I’m not psychic.if there’s been an ongoing problem with ds then she needs to say ‘I’m calling because we are very concerned about ds. When I spoke to him about his missed homework, he was very rude and said you wouldn’t care about it.’

And had she said THAT then she might have discovered I’m not as hopeless as all that.

OP posts:
Kaybush · 21/01/2018 12:11

Helenoftroyville I think that is massively over-reacting (and mis-reading).

ovenchips · 21/01/2018 13:14

OP In addition to my earlier remark I don't think this thread is helping you.

You have been very unwell and in hospital. You are very low in physical and mental reserves. The teacher never, ever meant you to overhear this remark. Please don't expend your precious reserves on this matter.

I would really park this and focus on rest and getting better. If you feel the need to speak to teacher, do it from a standpoint of making sure she is aware of recent events and their impact on your son. The rest does not matter.

I really hope you are feeling improved soon. Hang in there.

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