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AIBU?

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Original poster

Teacher described me as hopeless

424 replies

Bluepeony · 20/01/2018 16:09

I got a phone call yesterday about some missing homework and I responded politely.

Anyway, we had said goodbye and I heard the teacher say to someone else ‘she is hopeless isn’t she, ‘

I get she didn’t mean me to hear but I’m still so angry ... should I say anything?

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 21/01/2018 01:39

Some absolute cunts on this thread.

hungryhippo90 · 21/01/2018 01:45

I honestly wouldn’t have it. I would ask to speak with her, I would start with,” our conversation about Joes homework the other day, I thought it went ok.... so I wonder why you felt the need to call me hopeless? I would give her the time to answer.

I would then tell her that my child is 11 years old, and is learning that some things, like remembering his homework are his responsibility, and you see that having a big discussion with him re his forgotten homework will do nothing more than make him feel that I will handle situations he can manage, whilst you support the school and are disappointed that he forgot his homework, these things will occasionally happen, you’ve brought your child up perfectly well for 11 years, and at the moment things may seem like they aren’t going well, but that’s because he’s taking responsibility for some things that should be within his abilities, this doesn’t have any baring on your ability to be a parent and you do not accept her judgement of you, and maybe she should keep them to herself/ out of your earshot.

I’d be flipping angry.

I’d also turn it into a big thing, my ways of dealing with things aren’t always great!

MidniteScribbler · 21/01/2018 02:02

Actually hungryhippo I don't think that 'shit happens' is the right approach. The best response is 'how can we work together to help DS learn to take responsibility for his learning?'. It might mean that you put up a checklist near where his bag is for what he needs to have packed each day. Making sure he has the required items that he needs for his homework. In the classroom, it may mean a star each day he remembers his homework, which leads to a reward at the end of the week if he brings it everyday that week. A checklist next to his school bag reminding him of what he needs to unpack. (These are all things I do for my own DS, as well as for numerous children in my classroom - they are still learning, and still need support from parents and teachers).

He is only 11 years old, and whilst it is very important that children learn to take manage themselves, he's not going to be able to flick a switch and suddenly be Mr Responsible. He needs to be scaffolded and guided to help him make the right decisions, and the adults in his life need to help him with that. Any 11 year old is going to look at his iPad, and look at his homework and decide to play on the iPad. He's not going to automatically know that one is more important than the other, because right now, it's not, at least in his own mind. Eleven year olds aren't going to have the capacity to look at their school bag and know exactly which items they need to include, they need a guide. Sure, some children might, but some need a lot more support before they 'get it'.

It's better for a teacher to ring the parent early on and say 'hey, Bobby didn't bring his homework today, is he doing ok with it at home or is he finding it challenging? What can we put in place to help him?' rather than letting it go for months before flagging it up.

I don't think the teacher was professional in making a comment (we have a 'hang it up six times before you open your mouth' policy in my team), but I think that's a separate issue to the one of the child not turning in his homework.

squeekums · 21/01/2018 02:15

At 11 your kid is responsible for his own homework, hell my almost 8 yr old know i remind her once and thats it, dont blame me if you dont do it and teacher gets angry.
Id be ropeable at the hopeless comment, even if she thought that its on her to make sure she is off phone, out of ear shot, whatever

At 11 my mum was sick too, cancer, i didnt do homework atlot, was unruly at the school. My parents got the call about my attitude towards the teacher, not for the no homework, that was teacher alone at school, all my parents knew is i was punished at school for it. Even if the teachers thought my parents were hopeless it was never voiced near me, my brother, students or parents

Whatever the circumstances, the teacher was out of line and unprofessional in her comments. Save the personal opinion for your partner or whatever at home

thecatfromjapan · 21/01/2018 02:22

Really sorry to hear you've been in hospital. Do what you can but make sure you take care of yourself. If you're exhausted, listen to your body - it's telling you that you need to take things slowly.

Please don't stress too much about this. It sounds as though you have all had a rough ride and need to take the pace of life down a bit.

And ... this may sound weird but it was said to me by a counsellor and I think it was quite wise - and I think it might apply to you: practise asking for help. It does take practice if you're not used to it. Most people are only too happy to help - but you do have to take a leap of faith and trust people. And you have to tell them and ask. In this case, I suspect the teacher might be grateful to learn more about what's been going on with you all, and might be able to support your son better at school with that knowledge. And that might be a weight off your mind, too.

But, in the main, try to relax and get better. Good luck.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 21/01/2018 07:02

I’d probably ask her if she is generally so negative about parents and does she think it’s constructive or appropriate

user789653241 · 21/01/2018 07:08

There maybe a perfect explanation even if the teacher said your name.

Colleague A: Who was that?
Teacher: Mrs x, x's mum
Colleague B: says something. but far from phone so you couldn't hear what she/he said.
Teacher: She(not op, but someone else) is hopeless, isn't she?

bastardkitty · 21/01/2018 07:16

Really? You believe that? Hmm

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 07:18

Thanks.

irvine, she identified me pretty clearly.

If I feel well enough tomorrow I’ll go in and try to establish exactly what happened.

OP posts:
user789653241 · 21/01/2018 07:47

bastard, yes I do. I am one of the teacher worshipper, believe they went into teaching because they love the job. Grin

Tbh, I really don't care what they think of me, since whatever I do is for my dc's benefit. If they think I'm hopeless/ nutter/ crazy/ useless etc doesn't bother me as long as my child get what he needs. Good teacher will get it, not so great ones may not, but is there anything to lose?

WaggyMama · 21/01/2018 09:40

I think the teacher phoned for a discussion on how you and the school can work together to address the problems with your son.

In effect, you just thanked her for calling.

You could have used the call to get a full picture on what is happening and to update her on your health and how it may be affecting your son at school.

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 09:41

If she wants my help with the problems with my son then she needs to tell me what the problems are!

OP posts:
diddl · 21/01/2018 09:44

How does one ake na 11yr old, or indeed any child really, do homework?

Op, I should iagine that your son has been affected by you being in hospital?

Is it possible that now you are home & still not completely well he feels as if you don't care?

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 09:45

I think he resents me for being ill and I also think he’s scared.

OP posts:
Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 21/01/2018 09:57

I have a chronic illness OP and sometimes I lose track of everything. I would be very upset if someone called me hopeless. I think she was very unprofessional tbh (teacher myself). I think you need to embarrass the fuck out of her! Send I note in giving friendly advice about ensuring the phone is put down after phone calls.

user789653241 · 21/01/2018 10:03

If you are ill and you think your ds is scared, I think there is more reason to be open with the teacher and talk about things which maybe affecting your child. Being diffensive won't help.
Mine is other way around, my ds is ill , but it always seems to go well, if I tell them about my concern about him in the first place, before anything comes up.

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 10:06

I’m not being defensive. School were aware I was in hospital.

OP posts:
thecatfromjapan · 21/01/2018 10:06

Blue Yes. She would have to tell you. She'll also have to tell you if there are any problems. Perhaps there aren't. In the nicest way: perhaps it's your worry that there might be problems that has caused you to read too much into a comment which might not even have been about you?

Thing is, you don't know.

One thing you can do is go into school/email/write a note and say something along the lines of: "I've been ill. I know this can sometimes have an effect on children. I would really appreciate it if you could tell me if any issues arise in school with ds."

That alerts her to the fact that there is stuff going on at home and will really help everyone.

Teachers deal with this all the time and most of the teachers I've come across appreciate it.

Yes. Lots of children become unsettled - but only for short periods. Then they learn that life goes on, that support is around them, and they settle. We can't gift children a life where everything is utterly perfect, all the time. A life where parents don't get ill, where relationships last forever, where everyone is always financially secure, where change doesn''t occur. We do reassure them and show them that you cope with the changes.

Which you are doing. It'll be OK in the long run. It's just one more bump in a long road.

But it's OK to ask for help with all that.

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 10:09

What can she do to help, though - she’s not my cleaner or nanny Smile

Besides, she’s not a particularly helpful person.

At least ds leaves soon.

OP posts:
Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies · 21/01/2018 10:13

School might be aware, OP, but is the teacher? I told the office when my sister died - this had happened in a school holiday. My children were very close to her so it was a difficult time for them. We went off for the funeral, came back and dd played up at school. Turned out teacher hadn't had the message about the reason for dd's absence passed on. She thought dd had come back from a holiday.

If you're ill, your ds might well be playing up. At least make sure that his teacher has all the facts.

Original poster
Bluepeony · 21/01/2018 10:22

I don’t know... she should be. Will check.

OP posts:
diddl · 21/01/2018 10:23

" At least make sure that his teacher has all the facts."

For her son's sake perhaps Op should check.

But it's hardly her fault if school can't forward messages, is it?

BlondeB83 · 21/01/2018 10:29

Stop overthinking it and move on. Sounds like a flippant comment, the same one made hourly in schools everywhere.

uggmum · 21/01/2018 10:30

I think the teachers reaction for 1 piece of homework which was missed as a one off was OTT.

I wouldn't expect a call home for that.

I'm not a massive fan of homework and I do not specifically police it. I feel it's my child's responsibility to complete it and hand it in.

I ask if he has any and remind him it has to be done. But if he doesn't hand it in he has to face the consequences not me.

I would not tolerate a teacher insulting me in that way. I would email her and ask her for an explanation for her comment.

BlondeB83 · 21/01/2018 10:43

The teacher is probably following the school’s protocol on homework and is as begrudging as the parent receiving the call.