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Original poster

To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

340 replies

TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 07:55

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/01/2018 08:43

There is no need for your DD to sleep over and that is a point you can make to your DH.

Pengggwn · 20/01/2018 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 08:44

Lougle - we were contacted by social services as soon as the allegations were made, we were required to sign an agreement that we wouldn’t leave dd with FIL unsupervised and it was reported in the local paper. This isn’t family history that can be shoved under the rug.

OP posts:
AngryAttackKittens · 20/01/2018 08:44

Absolutely not. Think of how low a percentage of child abuse cases ever make it to court - why did this one? Not guilty verdict just means they couldn't prove it.

AngryAttackKittens · 20/01/2018 08:46

Also, if DH is really digging his heels in about this, there's your counterargument, that social services is already aware of a potential problem and it's not worth the risk that the might decide to check in on your family arrangements re the kids later.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 08:46

Pengwwwn - since he was 18 - approx 15 years

OP posts:
Sevendown · 20/01/2018 08:46

This is a child protection issue.

If you don’t protect your child from this known risk of sexual abuse she could be removed from your care.

The standard of proof required in a criminal court is too high for most child sex abusers to be convicted.

In a child welfare court the standard of proof is lower and a case only has to be proven ‘on the balance of probabilities’ rather than beyond reasonable doubt’.

You know this man is a risk.

You need to avoid any unsupervised contact and I’d be wary of any supervised contact as this still may give him the opportunity to groom her.

If you are still in doubt please call nspcc or your local social services for advice.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 20/01/2018 08:47

Awful situation for you but please, please protect your child. So many people side with abusers because they are such 'great guys', charming and charismatic, great with kids etc. It's how they get away with it. I know. I've been through it and I can't tell you what it's done to my life. Please protect your child.

x2boys · 20/01/2018 08:48

I wouldnt get drawn into why the Grandmother stays with her dh that's not the issue as I said I wouldn't take the risk however minimal a five year old can't protect themselves.

coastalchick · 20/01/2018 08:48

not a chance

Pengggwn · 20/01/2018 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teapotmadam · 20/01/2018 08:48

I wouldn't risk it, frankly the fact he went to court would be enoigh for me to think the police had a pretty good case and ss making you sign an agreement.

Why risk it? I would say no and that you're not willing to go against ss agreement you signed. Imagine if something happened, you'd be looked upon harshly if you went against a signed agreement for them not to stay there

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 08:49

Thanks Sevendown, I’m going to ca the Social Worker on Monday to talk it through with her. Still have DH putting pressure on me to discuss it with him sooner - hence the post.

OP posts:
Blueskymorning · 20/01/2018 08:49

Op I have read the 1st pages and your last update - obviously this is something that happened in recent history. You signed with ss to say she wouldn't be unsupervised, didn't your dh also? Why is he ok with ignoring that?

What are the consequences of you breaking that agreement?

Op, my own brother abused my daughter on sleepovers, my parents were in the house and had no idea, I had no idea, he was to the outside, an upstanding citizen working for the council.... I just absolutely would not risk it. Fuck everyone else, your dd comes first.

RidingWindhorses · 20/01/2018 08:50

Historic sex abuse is very difficult to prove in court. He may have been found not guilty because the jury felt there wasn't strong enough evidence rather than because they believed he was innocent.

Innocent until proven guilty is simply a legal instrument in a court case to the effect that the burden of proof lies with the prosecution.

In the outside world is no-one is obliged to presume anything. Child protection comes first.

Snowbelled · 20/01/2018 08:50

I have been in a social service meeting where the father had been aquitted for child abuse charges. The social worker who had been on the case read out in full all of the charges including in detail what the 5 year old had said as she wanted everyone to who was working with the family to be aware of the accusations. He went on and abused another girl several years later. The courts don't get it right alwsys

JaneEyre70 · 20/01/2018 08:52

Has the whole family sat down and had a talk about these accusations and why/how it got to court? I don't think the CPS take these cases lightly, so there must have been a chance of conviction. I think you need to be really honest with your DH and say that if something did happen you'd never forgive yourself or him and it's something you both need to be in firm agreement on. What an awful thing to be worrying about Flowers.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 08:52

Bluesky- having her stay overnight is not breaking the agreement as GM is there “supervising”.

OP posts:
19lottie82 · 20/01/2018 08:53

Slarty, no they were found not guilty. That doesn’t mean they didn’t do it.
If you think everyone who is guilty is found guilty, then you are very naive!

I’m not saying the person in question is guilty, but there is no way in hell I’d leave my DC with them.

DearSergio · 20/01/2018 08:53

Similar situation here, my dds uncle was accused of abusing his step children. At the time my dd was due to start unsupervised contact with my ex P, the uncle was also babysitting his infant neice and nephews whilst being investigated, which his family all knew about and didn't believe the allegations. I spoke to my HV and was told if I allowed my ex to have unsupervised contact she would inform social services that my child was at risk. You simply cannot take the risk with kids, you have to be your child's voice and say no, believe me I know it's hard but god forbid anything happened... you'd never forgive yourself x

mustbemad17 · 20/01/2018 08:54

Hell no way. The fact it went to court would be enough for me i know myself how bloody hard it is to get cases like that to court even with shitloads of physical evidence.
If the family walk away from you/your DD because you want to safeguard her, then that says everything you need to know about them. Protect your DD; there is a huuge 'what if' element hanging here. It only takes once.

Slartybartfast · 20/01/2018 08:54

she wont be supervising while she is sleeping

LavenderDoll · 20/01/2018 08:55

I read a her similar thread on here recently. Step father had abused his step daughter.
Not only wouldn't I let my DD stay over I wouldn't let her spend any time with him.

AngryAttackKittens · 20/01/2018 08:56

If it was me I'd be very angry that my husband was prioritizing his wish for an easy conflict-free life over his child's safety.

tempester28 · 20/01/2018 08:56

It is sad for your fil if he innocent, however given what has happened even if he is innocent you cannot now send your child for a sleepover. The fact that they expect you to after what has happened is also wrong.
My children have had about 2 sleepovers with their grandparents and they are now teenagers. For no other reason than it just never became a thing. We have loads of holidays and wonderful days out together but well sleepover just didn't really interest anyone.You now need to not make it a thing for your daughter, you can still have a great relationship with grandparents and do things together. But I would just say that your daughter does not want to stay away from you overnight without being drawn into a conflict.

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