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AIBU?

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Original poster

To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

340 replies

TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 07:55

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

OP posts:
ConcreteUnderpants · 20/01/2018 08:26

end of DD’s relationship with her GM who she loves & is very close to

Effectively, her GM has done that by still being with someone the CPS found enough evidence against to charge.
I would be very concerned that her GM is either in denial over her husband, or has turned a blind eye.

If your DH cannot see the problems with your DD staying over, then well, WTF?!
I would be seriously concerned about his ability to do adequate risk assessments and keep her safe.

Wasn't there a similar thread to this some time ago?

Notallthat · 20/01/2018 08:26

No chance, but given the families reaction I would never allow my daughter there unless she was with me and not out of my sight for a second. Why has this only come about now if your daughter is 5? Have you been told the full facts? Have you asked for a disclosure under Sarahs law just to check there is nothing you are not aware of?

Pengggwn · 20/01/2018 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenSeededGrape · 20/01/2018 08:27

No. You could never forgive yourself if something did happen when you went against your instincts.

I find it was that your dh would rather not upset his dm than protect both dd2.

RainyDayBear · 20/01/2018 08:27

No way in hell would I leave my child with that person. I don’t care about innocent until proven guilty in that situation, absolutely no contact would be taking place where she wasn’t in my eyesight at all times.

GreenSeededGrape · 20/01/2018 08:27

Find it sad

Tillymintsmama · 20/01/2018 08:27

I did jury service just before xmas and 2 of the cases I did "got off" on technicalities. I would be interested to know conviction rates generally as the burden of proof in crown court is so high.

0ccamsRazor · 20/01/2018 08:27

Absolutely no way and I would feel that I wouldn't have to justify my reason either.

The risk is too big.

Xmasfairy86 · 20/01/2018 08:30

Unfortunately, this sort of allegation will never leave someone. Even if it is untrue.

Stick to your guns. Your reasons are valid. If they can't understand them then maybe you have think about the bigger picture.

TheSassyAssassin · 20/01/2018 08:30

No. I wouldn't. Friend of mine left her DD with her DM and her H when DD was 3. The H has since been convicted of child sex abuse against others (inc historically, my friend's much younger sister). My friend will never forgive herself for leaving her DD there. Another friend only allows her DM contact with her DC at her house. You need to protect your DD Flowers

MCNamechanger · 20/01/2018 08:31

No, no fucking way.
Why risk it? It’s not like just forgetting to give her dinner or a bath, that you can fix when she gets home.
It’s not about believing he is innocent or guilty it’s about mitigating risk

The damage is too great if your wrong.

I wouldn’t leave her unsupervised either. The issue you’d have is if you split you’d have less control.

DartmoorDoughnut · 20/01/2018 08:31

I wouldn’t

Ellisandra · 20/01/2018 08:32

Would your husband be prepared to go to the police with you and make a Sarah's law application?
It could be that the police conversation would actually help him to make his own mind up not to allow overnights. Removing you from being the sole bad guy.

There really is no need for overnights. Even without this risk, my daughter has never in 8 years spent a night with grandparents. Just no need.

How much pressure is your husband putting on you? I would take the line "it's not even about that (though it damn well is!) I just don't want to send her anywhere over night - I like her being with me".

Whisper23 · 20/01/2018 08:34

I sat on the jury for a similar case last year. We found him not guilty despite the majority of the jurors thinking he probably did it. The prosecution case was woeful. They left us with little choice but to find him not guilty. Still feel uncomfortable about it now.

SootyandMathew · 20/01/2018 08:35

Depends. We were in same situation but the accusations never went to court.

My instinct said yes it was ok and DH said yes it was ok, and he was raised by the accused abuser.

I still believe the rof it decision.

scottishdiem · 20/01/2018 08:35

As recent cases have shown, having had evidence to charge is not the same as being guilty.

You could ask that she come to stay overnight and you go out or something similar?

SootyandMathew · 20/01/2018 08:35

Right decision in our case.

Trust your instincts.

Ellisandra · 20/01/2018 08:35

Oh and if this man is innocent?

Then he should be absolutely devastated that a false allegation has impacted his wife's options with her grandchild. But he should understand your decision.

This would be so hard for him, but a decent man would be devastated and say "I understand".

Silvercatowner · 20/01/2018 08:39

Gracious, loving, caring grandparents would absolutely understand your concerns and would not be pushing for overnight stays.

Slartybartfast · 20/01/2018 08:40

He and his wife, the GM should understand your pov

pepperpot99 · 20/01/2018 08:40

Absolutely no way. Never. Please do not cave on this on, OP.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 20/01/2018 08:40

Perpetrators of sexual abuse get away with it all the time. I know a woman who was sexually abused by an elder family member - she was in counselling over it. The counsellor insisted she went to the police to report him. She did and her entire family turned against her. He was charged and the case went to court.

She struggled through the trauma of the trial but the jury found him not-guilty. It was awful but it was her word against his and there was just not enough evidence. The abuse definitely happened though - why would she have put herself through that -losing all her family - if it hadn't been true.

It must be such a very difficult situation for you OP but having seen a man walk away freely from a sexual abuse crime he was most certainly guilty of you can't take the risk.

lougle · 20/01/2018 08:42

If he was found not guilty and it's all historic, etc., why have they felt the need to tell you in the first place? Why do you know? If they hadn't said anything, you'd be none the wiser. But they have. They can't expect you to do nothing with the information they've given you.

Besides, your DD may well be far too shy to have sleepovers. She may want her Mum too much. So there's no need to make her go on sleepovers.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 08:42

DH & his DM are both 100% convinced of FIL’s innocence which is also what makes this so hard - it’s all on me, DH won’t even accept that there is a possibility of FIL being guilty. DH gave evidence for the defence in court!!

OP posts:
liquidrevolution · 20/01/2018 08:43

No fucking way. My DD is not allowed to stay at PILs overnight because they are narcs and I don't see the need for it.

However it's the one thing keeping me in my marriage at the moment as I know if I split with DH she will be over there all the time when he has contact and I would have no control over it. I would speak to a family law specialist before you break up your marriage.