To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

[TiredMumToTwo]

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

I also think your DH & his family's reaction puts your DD at even more risk as they will take less action to safeguard her.

I would be very wary. While he may have been found innocent that doesn't necessarily mean he didn't do anything. It's notoriously difficult to convict sex offenders. You obviously know him and the circumstances so there might be additional information other than what you've told us that reassures you, but based on what you've said so far I wouldn't be comfortable with it. The consequences of making the wrong call would be so horrific.

Not a chance. I don't see how your MIL could be considered a suitable supervisor when she is in complete denial about there being any risk and will also presumably be asleep anyway.

People do get wrongly charged my dh was charged with assault I absolutely know it didn't happen because I was there , but child abuse is something different regardless of how I felt about the accused personally, I wouldn't take any risk.

But you have signed an agreement with social services that she will not go there, so presumably that still stands?

I know a sex offender who got away with it. The evidence was enough that there was no doubt he did it, but just not enough to prove in court. He definitely did it though, there were chat logs, meet ups with young girls etc. Just because it's not proved in court doesn't mean they're innocent. If your considering this in any way then you need more information so that you can see if he did it or not. Although if it was me they wouldn't be staying there at all. My child is the most important person to me in the world, I wouldn't take a risk with them regardless of who it would upset

Jacky - the agreement isn’t that she doesn’t go there, it’s that GM has to be there at all times.

No I wouldn’t. But then nor would DH in this scenario and that’s your issue OP.

DH is completely under the thumb of his DM and her Husband.

Your DH needs to put his children first, not his parents.

I hope social care can help OP, but I sense you will always be the bad guy in their eyes. Your DD will be safe though.

Is this a serious question ffs

No chance.

The fact it went to court would be enough for me i know myself how bloody hard it is to get cases like that to court even with shitloads of physical evidence.

I agree with this absolutely. I don't know why people get so wound up about children staying overnight at grandparents/other relatives anyway. Some families seem obsessed with being allowed to have the children sleep over (mine have only done it on rare occasions due to me being in hospital) and I find it odd that people would fall out about this anyway, let alone with a situation like this! If your DH would leave you just because you won't allow sleepovers with this man, you have other issues beside this. Him being so afraid to rock the boat with his mother is a massive concern anyway.

No. It’s extremely difficult to secure convictions in a lot of abuse cases. As others said it is no indication of his innocent. Keep your daughter away.

If your DH is insistent that she goes then he would be going with. And if I found out he had left her alone for even one second to take a pee break i'd string him up by his short & curlies.

A family member was accused of inappropriate behaviour with another teenage family member 10 year aso.It’s unproven and unlikely but since my dd was 11 I never leave her alone with him and she’s not allowed to visit the house without me. There’s no good reason for her to stay there without me ( not DH as he thinks the accusations were false so won’t be as vigilant) and I’m not taking the risk.
I dont make a big deal of it and nobody else realises what I’m doing I don’t think but even if they did my DD’s safety is more important

Surely overnights go against the agreement then, as GM won't even be conscious for much of the visit?

No advice I'm afraid but I wouldn't actually trust any of them. I wouldn't leave DH to take her there on his own either as likely he would come back without her!

Unless social services are assuming that granny doesn't need to sleep I don't think her physically being there would be good enough if they did decide to look into things.

You sound like you already know what you need to do, OP, it's just a matter of actually doing it with your husband refusing to provide any support.

Please don't. I was sexually assaulted by my now FIL as a 15 year old. There was no evidence and I accused him too late.
I've never let my children near him and it nearly ripped the family apart but I know he's a paedophile. The courts get it wrong so often it's not worth the risk.

Unfortunately, if this is a case of your marriage ending because of it, your dh will presumably get 50/50 custody - or at least EOW. Which means dd will probably be subjected to a sleepover at MILs without your consent or knowledge.

If you ever spit up, your DD might stay over there when she's not with you.

Go with your gut instinct OP. Why are the family convinced he is innocent? Something must have happened if it was taken to court.

What I mean is, how can she supervise anything when she's sleeping?

To all those saying she doesn’t need to stay over, the fact is that she has reasonably regularly for a number of years so for me to stop it now is basically me saying to the whole family - I don’t believe FIL isn’t lying which is obviously going to cause a massive rift & is already creating one between me & DH.

I just wanted to get other views & really appreciate posts from people who have experienced similar.

I am going to stick to my guns & deal with the fallout. Thanks for all your help - it’s been good to talk this one through.

No

candypanda - your were sexually assaulted as a 15yo and then married the son of this man?

Wow.

When I think of all the men in the world....