To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

[TiredMumToTwo]

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

People seem a bit confused about timeline. I read it as if

DC born 5 years ago, normal/regular babysitting sleepovers with DGM and SFIL.

Recently (6 months-1 year?) accusation against SFIL of historical child sexual abuse. SS say officially no unsupervised access - agreement signed & everyone in “crisis” mode & willing to abide by this, no pressure on OP to allow whilst investigating/court case.

SFIL very recently cleared by court - Family say All Back To Normal now, pressure on OP to resume sleepovers. To refuse = saying he’s guilty.

Whilst court case ongoing it wasn’t an issue, and now it is.

I could be wrong but to me it sounds plausible and explains why the pressure/crunch point is now.

Awful situation, any which way as it’s a relationship issue (OP & her DH) but if they split up over it, then OP cannot safeguard her DC as effectively.

Oh right NoSquirrels thanks for the clarification. Op your dd is too precious to gamble with. Just because he has cleared, does not mean he did not do it. Courts sometimes get it wrong, or there may be insufficient evidence. There will always be that element of doubt. I would not trust granny to keep your dd safe, she seems like the type to cover it up, and minimise things.

Add to that, what he was accused of was pretty serious. Granny saying that the victims of the abuse were druggies, is awful. SA can lead the sufferer to drink and drugs to cope with the trauma that they have been through and to clock it out.

No - I was lucky my abuser got 20 years in prison, I say lucky, as there is only a 6% conviction rate for sexual offences against children.

I have a good, decent life, and have done everything to "get over it" and I run a support group for survivors in Rochdale.

I can tell you I have never met a survivor who has truly or really "got over it", scratch the surface and it's more about people who have learnt to live with the inevitable life long consequences of childhood sexual abuse.

Paedophilia is an opportunistic crime - ask yourself, if you really want to explain to your child in 15+ years time, of how you knew the risk yet sacrificed his or her entire life for the sake of your marriage, as my own mother admittedly did.

Please, think of only your child and their welfare not anyone else's.

I don't mean to be harsh but the truth is the truth, you may act on it, if you suspect in the future, but it would already be to late

The druggies reference is typical victim blaming measure that becomes the norm in abusive families. In order to protect the abuser and coercive abusers, in their thinking & behaviours and use the victim/s as scapegoats.

Many survivors are indeed use drugs and drink to block the flashbacks, nightmares and sheer horror of the fact that the people who were supposed to protect them, didn't. Making them unreliable witnesses.

Oh Fuck No, I would end my marriage over this. My kids will always come first over every other human on earth...I really feel for you x

There is no way I would ever let my dd sleep there. Yes I would risk losing my marriage over it too. I really feel for you op.

NoSquirrels that's how I read it too, but then I doubted my own understanding and we can't actually know because OP hasn't told us what the timeline is

Maybe she'll come back and clarify ...

20 years ScaryMary81 Wow. Should be life, but as I'm syre you know it never happens.

Mine got zero.. Not enough proof.. A fucking joke. He did it,but CPS didn't convict or keep the charges.

OP, CPS dropping charges means fuck all.

bartfast Sat 20-Jan-18 08:00:52
but they have been found not guilty, and presumably this isnt a stranger. is it a family member?

Not guilty may not mean they did not do it, just that it could not be proved beyond reasonable doubt. Many guilty people are acquitted for this reason.

I can tell you I have never met a survivor who has truly or really "got over it", scratch the surface and it's more about people who have learnt to live with the inevitable life long consequences of childhood sexual abuse.

This. 100%. And it's not just ("just"!) the abused child who's hurt by it. My mum was sexually abused as a child and it totally impacted the way she views her own body, the way she talks about women's bodies, about sex, which by extension impacted the way my siblings and I learned about bodies and sex growing up. That in turn impacted our early relationships, our views of our bodies etc. I have to try so hard to monitor the way I talk about these things with my own DC to avoid passing on equally damaging messages, and I know that I don't always succeed. That's 3 generations affected by one man's actions. Does your DH and his family really think that's a risk worth taking?
My mum is 70 now; she had 5 short years of freedom, and ever since then every aspect of her life has been touched by the shadow of that abuse. She won't escape it until the day she dies - and I know there are days she longs for that escape.

NOOOOOOOOOO

Not in a million years! If it comes down to a choice between your DD’s welfare and safety and your DH appeasing his mother, kick him into touch and take your DD as far away as possible.

Denial is what happens in abusive families as well. My DM has done that over the years. Particularly in the case of my DB. He's been so badly damaged by what happened, but until recently she was refusing to believe that this was because of the past, she insisted it was all down to mental illness, ie schizophrenia, and caused by the anti-malarial prophylactic Lariam. But that didn't happen until he was 28, and he was a mess long before then. The point of the Lariam was that it shouldn't have been prescribed because of his pre-existing problems.

So when he was tormented by dark thoughts about child abuse, she refused to listen to DSis and me about where it came from. That it's most likely complex PTSD that he's suffering from.

It's too horrible a thing to contemplate, so people refuse to countenance the idea that someone close to them could be guilty. It's so much easier to pretend it hasn't happened.

No. She’s too young at 5. Say you don’t want her doing sleepovers until she’s much older. Maybe he’ll have died by then.

My friends just had a baby to a man who has been accused four times of abusing children. He also raped his own sister when he was 13. One of the children he abused was his own. His never been found guilty so she says it must all be lies.

Unfortunately people get away with these things and it encourages them to do it again.

They just 100% think the plaintiffs are druggy losers
Well they would have become drugy loseres that if they had been abused. That is completely common. I am not saying he is guilty but that reason does not mean he is innocent.

A reasonable person would understand and accept your concern and your decision, whether they were truly guilty or not. That tells you everything you need to know.

How does your DH 'know' that his DSF was innocent? If it is because he thinks he is a general good egg that does not really mean anything, but if for example, he was with him at the time of the alleged abuses , so know it cannot have happened , then that is different and I would be more inclined to believe in his innocence

Lucymek Please tell me you have called SS and told them.

A reasonable person would understand and accept your concern and your decision, whether they were truly guilty or not.

Hmm not sure I would. If somebody had made crap like this up and dragged me through months and years of hell, and I was finally found not guilty, I would expect my family to 100% believe in my innocence.
Presumably the SF had lots of opportunity to abuse your DH but didn't that for me would lend weight to him being innocent.

Another that was a very emotive post but very valuable. I'm so sorry for your Mum x

Op if there's a question you can't answer without social services advice it's no surely?

So no chance of innocent until proven guilty on mumsnet?

A couple of years ago a man was on trial for rape, the woman who accused him woke up to him having sex with her and his excuse was "I tripped and fell inside her" (no I'm not joking). He got found not guilty, but I for one wouldn't be popping round his house for a sleepover.

We have a duty to first and foremost protect our children. There's a higher-than-slim chance this man is a paedophile, what kind of parent would take the risk in finding out?

I often think of going to the police about the man who abused me as a child. Then I remember all the vile people who'd still let their kids be round him, carry on as normal and call me a liar and a loser and I think twice victims are just absolutely let down every step of the way in every pocket of our society aren't they?

TBH I'd have been putting one foot out the door if my DH had given evidence sticking up for an alleged sex offender. People are so blind to the ones they love aren't they.

OP protect your DD above all else. If it ends your marriage then your DH isn't worth staying for. If it ruins your MIL relationship with your DD then she isn't a very good granny. I feel so awful for you having this on your shoulders