To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

[TiredMumToTwo]

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

With no facts I would say no but if this is a drip and it turns out that he was 16 and the girl was 15 then I wouldn’t be having an issues.

Sorry! Only half of page one loaded so see more facts are there. Going back to RTFT now x

I wouldnt take the chance. Sexual assault conviction rates are so low that just not being found guilty by a court is not concrete enough evidence for me to risk leaving my child unattended with someone who had even been taken to court for it.

Often people get off because there isnt enough evidence to prove they did it without a doubt.... not because they are innocent.
So you really have no idea so theres no way i would risk it with my child.
I wouldnt be nasty to the man with no evidence myself and if he had no conviction but theres no way in hell id risk leaving my child with him unless I knew him incredibly well personally and had good reason to believe myself that he was indeed innocent. That doesnt sound like the situation here tho.

Presumably the SF had lots of opportunity to abuse your DH but didn't that for me would lend weight to him being innocent.

Why on earth would that be the case?

I would not take the risk with my child, even if I believed the accused to be innocent, unless I knew it was impossible I wouldn't leave my child with them. Just not worth it.

OP you mentioned this argument ending your marriage?

Was that just a turn of phrase or a reality?

If your marriage really could end then you are right to box clever.

Without you your children's father will be able to expose them to this man with no boundaries and no restrictions on his parenting time.

Did SS involvement end upon the verdict? Do the restrictions still apply?

The druggie line would have me even more concerned. It rings huge alarm bells reminding me of what I’ve been referred to by family members. I started smoking weed when I became homeless after outing my step father and being told to choose to basically lie and say I made it up or leave the house. I chose to leave and a few months later I was introduced to weed. It gave me a release and a way to feel anything other than the abuse and the fact my own mother chose a man over myself. I couldn’t really kick it. Never physically addicted but emotionally dependant. I got called a druggie and a liar and making things up for attention. I reckon I was believed but they didn’t want to admit to themselves what happened so chose to deny instead. I have flashbacks of the abuse and depression and anxiety, it has made he same conditions worse because I also have them from another traumatic event long after the abuse and it all piles on together now. Being abused never leaves you and unfortunately I will never get the chance to make him pay. He is dead now and somehow that has made the flashbacks worse. He is buried in a country I call my home and where he never ever lived. My mum still visits his grave and I have to keep the secret from my siblings for fear it would tip them over the edge (18 and under).

I guess what I’m saying is, that comment resonated with my experience and would make me trust them a lot less.

Balloonspop I can't even begin to imagine the sheer trauma the CPS decision caused, It's another trauma in itself, on top of what you have already gone through FLOWERS

Allduroamin I myself am the same as your mum, I will be content to pass, as no more suffering or pain, by sights, smells and nightmares that haunt me, no matter how hard I've tried in life to free myself of them, and I'm relatively happy, I have a son, after along while of thinking I couldn't conceive, due to the abuse. He is the most beautiful, healing blessing and I thank my lucky stars. I couldn't breastfeed due to the abuse, which I regret, but I refused in myself to let it take any more from my motherhood, we've jumped in puddles and done loads of stuff that to him will just be normal, like collecting and making stick pictures, crunching leaves, holidays, baking, dancing about, the zoo, singing, endless discussions and much more which are just a part of normal childhood but indeed a revelation to me, and these moments I cherish forever, as in making his childhood I relived my own, and they are beautiful memories, I am very careful not to pass on the aftermath of abuse, but I do sometimes wonder if I'd think differently and be more cautious if he was girl. when I die, I want everyone to celebrate and have a good old drink and a nice meal/food, and a big cake, as in death, I will finally be free, and my soul can just float about unburdened, and finally carefree of life, and I'm half your mum's age, knowing I loved and was loved despite what happened to me.

To all my fellow survivors, who have no other reason to tell their stories on here, other than to speak their own truth, I believe you. I call it my Elephant and some days my elephant is to big and heavy to carry and some days it's small and I can just get on with it, but that elephant is always in the room. Some days I think the elephant can just piss off and other days that big fat elephant arse crushes me, but all I know is there is always a free foot, hand or some days only a fingertip, yet I always drag myself out to escape from the elephant somehow.

Thank you for your kind words, ScaryMary1. I'm sorry you went through this as well.

I know exactly what you mean. I think of it as Elephant in the Room. My DM wants to pretend that we're a happy family when she comes to see us. Sh' said, please don't talk about the past, let me enjoy my time with my DGDs. And I realise it's been very hard for her to discover the truth (she's 78), but she cries when it is mentioned and expects me to help her through it. She needs therapy of course but she won't go for that. (She's also an SA survivor actually, her uncle abused her when she moved into his and her aunt's home after her parents died at 10.)

Then there's my DB, who doesn't remember anything bad about our abusive father (DSis and I also repressed our memories for a long time), and eulogises about how he was his best friend and visits his grave whenever he can. (He died 20 years ago.) He says to my DM, he was much nicer to me than you are. I can't cope with him at all, so I have nothing to do with him now. He's a complete mess and I feel awful about it, but I'm not in a fit state to help him. My DM talks about his issues to me all the time.

Fuck no.

Your child's safety is just not worth the risk. I woukd not trust his mum to keep your dd safe. Fair enough if your there, but not otherwise.

Everyone telling the OP that they would end their marriage if their DH/DP insisted on visiting this step father: have you thought about what that might mean for the OP?

Her partner will have joint custody and/or visitation rights to the child. But she won't be able to be there all the time to police those visits, and for all she knows he'll allow his mother and stepfather access to the child during those visits.

If she stays with him at least she'll have some control over the visits, and can be present for most of them.

It's chilling.

I agree that this is a very disturbing situation to be in. The attitude of the family really suggests guilt rather than false allegations to me. The victim blaming, and the way the DH is being so insistent on DD going for a sleepover.

It doesn't seem to be the case that the DD is campaigning to go, either, otherwise this would be a very different thread. So why are they being so insistent?

I imagine the DH is under a huge amount of pressure from his DM and it's something along the lines of let DD stay over and we'll prove nothing will happen and SF is innocent. However, why on earth he would use his DD in such a way to potentially put her at risk is beyond me. But I do get he is probably trying to keep his DM happy to stop any further family fallout as I have experienced a DH that used to pander to his DM over me.

All you brave women, you survivors. I'm in awe.