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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

340 replies

TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 07:55

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 20/01/2018 08:14

No no no. I know innocent until proven guilty and all that but it's too much of a risk.

Trueheart1 · 20/01/2018 08:15

If you take the risk the worst that can happen is that your 5 year old is raped. Is that really something you want to leave to chance? Why would you even consider this? The accused persons right to the benefit of the doubt does not outweigh your DDs right to safety.

Pengggwn · 20/01/2018 08:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Winosaurus · 20/01/2018 08:15

Absolutely no fucking way. This is non-negotiable and I would even risk my relationship with the in-laws and even my DH to protect my children.
Even if there’s only a 0.0001% chance, why would you risk it? Your job is to protect your DD.
Ask your DH does he 100% believe he’s innocent and how would he feel if his DD was molested in some way and he had to look her in the eye and say he allowed it to happen against her mother’s insistence against her being there.

Let him think about that.

Idontdowindows · 20/01/2018 08:15

Never.

Most abuse cases don't get anywhere because of lack of evidence. It's easy to be found innocent as a rapist or sexual abuser, even if you did it.

x2boys · 20/01/2018 08:15

I would never put my kids at risk even if I thought the risk was minimal I couldn't risk it but just as an aside being charged with a crime doesnt mean you have done it either as I know from personal experience .

RitaMills · 20/01/2018 08:16

Nope, your DDs safety is too important to even risk it.

Ghanagirl · 20/01/2018 08:17

Whatshallidonowpeople
Most child abuse is still perpetrated by a MAN known to the child and most commonly stepfather or Mums boyfriend.
I work in child protection and undergo mandatory level 3 Safegarding training yearly.
These are facts whether you want to believe it or not.
Before anyone jumps on me of course in majority of cases boyfriend or stepfathers perfectly safe.

Tillymintsmama · 20/01/2018 08:17

Why are you even considering this?! Hmm is it worth the risk?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 20/01/2018 08:18

I think "innocent until proven guilty" goes out the window when it's your child.mit isn't worth the risk, is it?

ConcreteUnderpants · 20/01/2018 08:19

"I dont really get the need for dc to go off sleeping at relatives houses unless there is a reason"

Maybe, Afreshcup, because they like it?

Tbh, I find you not allowing your children to sleep at their grandparents' odd.
Both my children and their grandparents get something out of it.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 08:20

Tilly - considering it as it could mean the end of my marriage & the end of DD’s relationship with her GM who she loves & is very close to - it’s not black & white as most issues rarely are

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 20/01/2018 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mickeysminnie · 20/01/2018 08:21

Why does your step daughter stay a night a week? That seems like a lot?
For me? I would just say no, I wouldn't even contemplate it.

bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 08:22

I wouldn't get drawn into whether not he's guilty. It's about protecting your child and minimising risk of harm. A child should never be left in these circumstances. Children do not need to be left with anyone in a family. I would treat it as a non issue as much as possible. Is pressure being applied to your H and is he putting that on to you? You have a massive problem with your H. Huge. It sounds like a lot of people are heavily influenced/manipulated by the step dad.

Original poster
TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 08:22

Pengwwwn - I didn’t think so, I think this is more about DH not wanting to upset his DM who dotes on all her grandchildren.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/01/2018 08:22

I wouldn’t have DD stay there at all and wouldn’t let her go there unless I was there.

Who was he accused of assaulting?

TheWhisperingSky · 20/01/2018 08:23

My DD is nearly 6 and has never spent the night away from DH or me. Can't really see any need to to be honest. DS is 8 and once stayed a weekend with IL's when I was pg with DD.

What are the reasons for suggesting she stay overnight?

LivelyMummy · 20/01/2018 08:23

Why would you take such a risk? Why does your dd need to be there?

A close family member once followed me when they knew I was about to change dd's nappy. This made me uncomfortable. I asked that person to leave the room. He has never been convicted of anything. I would never leave dd with him. There is simply no need to!

Afreshcuppateaplease · 20/01/2018 08:24

I do not not allow it. Its not requested. No one feels the need.

Grandparents spend time with dc during the day you know when they can actually do things together

I was trying to show op that her dd not going there isnt out of the ordinary, not all children sleep over with grandparents

bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 08:24

If she dotes on her grandchildren why does she live with someone who has been prosecuted for being a paedophile?

Pengggwn · 20/01/2018 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheVanguardSix · 20/01/2018 08:25

This is the thing. There was enough evidence to charge him. So, something bad happened.
Having been through this rigmarole years ago (I was assaulted by a man and had documented evidence, went to A&E on the day, had photographs, a medical report, the arresting officers testified, etc.but a legal loophole got him off), I realise that you have to just take matters into your own hands and do your best to protect you and your loved ones. In my case, I coulnd't have seen this coming. In your case, you have warning that this step-GF has a bad history. That's enough reason to never let your DD linger in this guy's presence.
So, no way in freezing hell would I ever leave my DD in that home unattended, night or day.

This is a watershed moment for you, OP. The impact on your relationships with all adults involved here will be tested. Stand your ground and do what is right by you and your DD.

ArchchancellorsHat · 20/01/2018 08:25

No bloody chance. Nope.

BaffledMummy · 20/01/2018 08:26

Nope! As a kid I was never allowed to stay over ANYWHERE. My dad was a policeman and said he had seen so many instances of abuse in wider families that his policy was to trust nobody and he always wanted me home.

It caused a bit of a rift between my aunt and our family but years later when we were much older, she apologised to my dad and said he was dead right and she would have done the same in hindsight. Don’t really know what caused her change in heart but I suspect something between her DDs and their exDHs.

In your case, I wouldn’t in a million years. You need to be prepared for a fall out however, but so worth it for peace of mind.