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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

340 replies

TiredMumToTwo · 20/01/2018 07:55

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

OP posts:
PorklessPie · 20/01/2018 10:41

No no no

BigBaboonBum · 20/01/2018 10:43

No. Wouldn’t even be slightly okay

OnTheRise · 20/01/2018 10:44

I'm glad you're going to stick to your guns, Waffle. Your daughter needs the adults in her life to protect her, no matter what.

I was sexually abused as a child and it was made ten times worse by my parents treating it like it was a skit out of Benny Hill. My mother will even now bring it up if there's anything on TV about child sex abuse, and she'll laugh and nudge people and talk about it like it's some great gossip.

Don't allow your child to visit these people unless you're there. Staying overnight isn't the danger: just being in their company is enough. The slimebag who abused me was our family GP and he started off with his abuse when my mother was still in the room with us--she was watching him and didn't realise what he was doing. He abused my sister and me in plain sight, by sitting us on his lap when we were tiny and holding us there, making it look like we were wriggling when he was the one moving about. You can imagine. Vile man.

Don't let your daughter go through what I went through. If your husband insists on visits, make sure you go on those visits too. If your partner insists on overnight stays, you go too. Don't let your daughter out of your sight when you're there. And if anything even remotely wrong happens, don't hold back. Make a scene. Don't be afraid to cause trouble, speak out and say what was happening. Get everyone to hear. Make it stop. Make your daughter know it was wrong and you have her back.

Viviennemary · 20/01/2018 10:46

No I wouldn't.

TittyGolightly · 20/01/2018 10:47

obviously will massively impact on DH’s Mum and his relationship with her.

I never had sleep overs at my grandparents house, on account of it being 250 miles away. My Nan and I are very close. Sleepovers aren’t the only way to bond!

SukiTheDog · 20/01/2018 10:47

You’re surely not seriously asking this question?

You already know the answer.

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 10:49

Interesting question from a PP, why are they being insistent on a sleepover? That would worry me in itself. I would be inclined to refuse contact with them altogether. It's so true that abuse can happen in plain sight. My DM trusted my abusive father absolutely and he got away with it completely.

Jassmells · 20/01/2018 10:54

Absolutely no way.
You clearly aren't comfortable with it so trust your instinct.

ocelot41 · 20/01/2018 10:55

Over my dead body would my child be alone in the same room without me, let alone overnight. No, no and NO. Nothing is worth risking your child's safety over. I know this would risk family relationships, but FFS what is wrong with them if they can't see this wouldn't be acceptable?

nocampinghere · 20/01/2018 10:55

Definitely no.
Could you talk to SS - ask them to insist she doesn't stay there?

Ishouldntbesolucky · 20/01/2018 10:57

You're doing the right thing.

I really sympathise with your position though, and totally understand why it makes things so difficult for you. I can't believe some posters are giving you such a hard time. Not everything in life is black and white.

We all know there are plenty of offenders who are acquitted due to lack of evidence etc, not because they didn't do it.

BUT obviously there are a few innocent people who are accused of things they didn't do. It ruins lives and must be so hard to know that people will always believe you did something when you were innocent.

By not allowing your dd to visit your fil you are of course saying that you think he's guilty. That is obviously how everyone will interpret it. And I think you are right to do so. Every parent needs to protect their child. It doesn't make it easy within families though. He isn't some random stranger - he's someone that close family members love and obviously very involved in your life. It makes it so difficult for you.

W0rriedMum · 20/01/2018 10:57

Do talk to the SW - I suspect they will have a better radar for such things and will insist on certain precautions. Be honest about how the conflict is going at home.
If you and your DH split, he can do what he wants while she is with him. Hence I would go about this in a more formal way as others suggest.

Notallthat · 20/01/2018 11:00

noitsachicken - The OP could get a prohibitive steps order at family court banning ex from letting his parents have contact however I'm not sure if they would agree, possibly they would say as long as there was someone to act in a supervisory capacity that would be enough however that supervisor could be anyone the father put forward. SS recommended supervised access for my ex and his parents and cafcass were going to let his new girlfriend supervise despite the fact she had already been caught out lying to the court and had a criminal record.

elsmokoloco · 20/01/2018 11:02

OP Well done for putting your daughters welfare ahead of the family's need to make some sort of point about this persons Innocence. Your daughter is not a puppet for their version of a united front ie "See why would we let our own GDd stay over if it was true", propaganda.

bastardkitty · 20/01/2018 11:03

The issue would be that the family members cannot be trusted to supervise. Quite the contrary.

FinallyReportedHim2 · 20/01/2018 11:07

ontherise - agree entirely with your post. Sorry you went through it too.

BluePheasant · 20/01/2018 11:10

It’s a horrible situation but there is no choice but to put your DDs safety first.

Imagine if you gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and then 20 years down the line DD finally disclosed to you that he’d abused her. Nothing is worth that risk.

Gemini69 · 20/01/2018 11:13

OP your only interest correctly ... is the best interests of your DD.... assess the Risks involved.. ie if the stipulation is 'your FIL must be supervised by MIL at all times when in the company of your DD'.. then Hell would freeze over before I would put my precious Daughter at risk Flowers

I agree with everyone on here... the answer is NO

cheesypastatonight · 20/01/2018 11:20

You say she has regularly stayed but now you want to stop it?
Why? Have you only just found out what the stepfather did? Or did you know before and now want to change arrangements? If so, why now? All a bit unclear.

rizlett · 20/01/2018 11:24

Risk of abuse is not restricted to sleepovers either so really the sleepover is not the issue at all.

Blueskymorning · 20/01/2018 11:49

Good luck op, honestly, you've chosen the right thing for dd but I think we all know it will be difficult for you.

I asked about the supervising because our ss worker advised me not to leave dd at my parents unsupervised (even though my brother is in prison) as they are visiting him and "supportive" though he'd admitted what happened. Supportive family can be coerced family, and that's where the danger lies. If dgm wants to pop to the shops but can't leave dd, it would be easy for her to be convinced it's fine because she believes him. I wouldn't trust either of them for that reason.

I wish you so much luck but it's such a minefield where family is concerned Flowers

Rollonweekend · 20/01/2018 13:05

Why would GPs be making such a big deal out of this? Surely the norm would be to ask if Gd would like to sleep over you would reply along the lines of "oh nice idea but she's a bit young/doesnt like being away from home etc" and the drop it. Why would they be persisting and applying so much pressure

I agree with this. They seem to have a real sense of entitlement around having her to stay which frankly would annoy me if there were no court cases or history. She’s only five - you should only need to say no once!

GinnyJumperoo · 20/01/2018 13:10

I'd leave my husband before I let that happen tbh

Snowysky20009 · 20/01/2018 13:13

No

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/01/2018 13:13

Not a bloody chance. Yes they üere found not guilty but that doesn't mean they didn't do it. For all you/üe or anyone else knows the jury could have been paid off.
These things do happen.

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