To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

[TiredMumToTwo]

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

They just 100% think the plaintiffs are druggy losers who lie about everything The connection between experiencing sexual abuse as a child and suffering from substance abuse and general life difficulties etc as an adult obviously hasn't occurred to them.

I would echo what others have said about proceeding very carefully if you think this could end up ruining your marriage (although knowing your husband is willing to put this man's feelings before your daughter's safety should have done that). The very last thing you want is him facilitating time with this man when he has your DD. Speak to Social Services and the NSPCC urgently.

Also I don't think granny would protect your dd, she might turn a blind eye or brush it under the carpet.

OP, the fact that your MIL and DH are so convinced this man is innocent actually makes them a danger to your DD.

They (I belive MIL in particular) are likely to engineer an occasion where the SFIL is in sole charge of your DD, and when nothing happens will loudly proclaim "See, he can be trusted". They'll want to prove that they are right.

I think there is a lot of confusion here between the burden of proof required in a courtroom, by social care, and by family. For court, innocent until proven guilty, beyond reasonable doubt. Social care don't need a court conviction, they do a person posing risk assessment, where they may suggest, as for this guy, that he shouldn't be left unsupervised with children. If he is, the responsility lies with the parents who will be chatted to and possibly put on a plan. Then there's family. You've got responsibility for the child's welfare which trumps pretty much anything. You only leave your child in sight of a potential sex offender if you are convinced the ppr assessment is wrong and they guy is innocent. And if your partner disagrees, you respect that, because you wouldn't want to leave your kid with someone YOU thought was an offender and they didn't.

Obviously some families don't act how I've outlined, I wish they all did though.

Hell NO. Protect your daughter!

The family and you DH are crazy to think it would be ok for her to stay over. WTAF!

Do NOT trust any of them.

Absolutely definitely 100 percent no. Not when she is 5 years old, not when she is 15 years old. Never. Regardless of the circumstances and regardless of who that person is to you. By which i mean not even if the person is very close relation or so.
Why take a risk, any risk, with someone so precious to you?

I’m going to ca the Social Worker on Monday to talk it through with her

On balance this is probably the best approach - and to hell with your DH insisting that you speak to StepFIL before then; it's a few days, for pity's sake

Doubtless you'll share what DH's views and wishes are, and they might even be prepared to speak with him if they agree there's still a risk. I'd hope that he wouldn't ignore such an approach, but if he did, there may be an even harder conversation to be had

Why would it mean the end of a relationship with her grandmother?

I've never slept over at my grandparents, we get on fine.

You can phone the police and ask under clare’s law.

They and social services will do a thorough background check- and that will include any report, not just arrests/convictions. They will then have a meeting and let you know what is safe regarding contact.

I definitely think your DH and MIL are not to be trusted. Referring to the plaintiffs as 'druggies who lie all the time' just shows that they were determined to disbelieve them from the start. And substance abuse does go hand in hand with childhood SA. I have longstanding MH issues and drink too much. The consequences are with us for life. The more you've posted the more I think you're right not to trust your DJ's stepfather.

Sorry, DH's stepfather!!

No way! You stick your guns OP and protect your little girl at all costs, its just not worth the risk. I'd have serious doubts over his 'not guilty' verdict to as social services are still involved in safeguarding the children within the family, I suspect he only got off due to lack of evidence and without that the jury can't find someone guilty beyond reasonable doubt. Talk to the social worker chances are she'll back you up on your decision.

Categorically no. You would never forgive yourself if something happened.

No.

I feel so sorry for you but no I wouldn't. My main concern will always be DSs safety. Did you not speak to your DH about this prior to having children with him?

I wouldn't let my child stay over id be very concerned that dh and mil dont believe he is capable of any wrong doing and wouldn't feel they could protect your child. The other big worry for me would be if this does cause the breakdown of your marriage what's to stop dh taking the child for sleep overs especially if he already allows one if his children to sleep there.

Then you should know better than to post this ^

Stay strong, you can do this.

Might be an idea to ask SS what would happen re access if you and dh split up

It wasn't my intention to cause upset and have asked for my post to be removed.

If you safeguarding your child could end your marriage, then you need to end your marriage.
I'd be concerned about your husband attempting you blackmail you in this way and putting so much pressure, in order for you to agree to- reluctantly at that- your child being in the care of an alleged paedophile and his enabler.

Attempting to*

No no no no no no no no no.

Op you have said that she has stayed over there for some years, did you know about this abuse when you allowed her to stay, or has this only come to light now!

If you knew about the abuse when you allowed her to stay, why now are you so worried.