Page 11 | To protect my daughter? Trigger warning

TiredMumToTwo · 2018-01-20T07:55:42+00:00

WWYD - would you let your 5 year old DD stay overnight in a house with an adult who had been accused of historical sexual abuse of a minor but been found not guilty at Crown Court?

comedycentral · 20/01/2018 13:22

I wouldn't let her stay there in million years OP. I think you are making the right choice. Have you seen the NSPCC Pantosaurus underwear rule stuff too? It's on their website. It would be ideal for your DD even if she doesn't sleep over she does still see him and these offenders are sneaky bastards.

confusedlittleone · 20/01/2018 13:24

Your DH has already extremely failed your daughter by letting her have a relationship with them- please don't let him fail her even more!

testpickles · 20/01/2018 13:31

I wouldn't,ever.

Apple23 · 20/01/2018 15:18

If the step-fil was completely innocent (which is different from being found not guilty in court of specific charges), then he would not want any child to be staying over in case there was another wrongful accusation and he had to go through the ordeal of being arrested, charged, court, possibility of prison, having previous accusations re-surface etc.

Do not let your child be in the company of this man, even under the "supervision" of your husband or mil. If they believe he is innocent, they will have no reason not to step out of the room, leaving him with your child.

Is your step-daughter's mother aware of your concerns? Is the social worker aware she is staying over at the house?

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 15:34

You just have to put your DD's safety before anything else. Suppose you accepted the not guilty verdict as read and allowed her to be in their house without you there, and then she was abused. You would never forgive yourself, and your DD would be badly damaged.

I've been through this. My DB abused DSis and me. He was a victim as well and a teenager at the time, but I felt I had no choice but to say to my DM that she couldn't allow him over to her house if one of our DDs was there on a sleepover. And she's stuck to this.

mysticpizza · 20/01/2018 15:50

Stick to your guns, OP.

We weren't told of the historic accusations against MIL's second husband (the ones MIL didn't believe and therefore didn't tell us about ) but would never have let him anywhere near the dc if we had. Don't live to regret giving in to pressure.

JackmanAdmirer · 20/01/2018 16:01

My dc doesn't stay overnight anywhere because I have anxiety - you don't have to let your child go overnight anywhere if you don't want to, there doesn't even have to be a reason.

Say no.
If your DH leaves you over this then you are well rid!

PrincessScarlett · 20/01/2018 16:10

Oh OP, what a horrible situation.

As a mother, regardless of any suspicions it is entirely your call re sleepovers. I appreciate your DD has already been sleeping over so more difficult to stop rather than never starting them.

In your situation I think I would seek advice from social services or nspcc. That way, you may at least have some sort of professional viewpoint rather than your DH thinking you are just saying no for the sake of it.

I too would be concerned that if you split with your DH you would have no control on your DD seeing FIL.

I am appalled that your DH is not putting you and DD first regardless of whether or not his FIL is Innocent. The allegations against him are multiple offences not a single misconstrued act.

artiface · 20/01/2018 16:29

He was found not guilty yet the SS still made you sign to say your child would be supervised. Yes I can see they would want you to know, but surely it suggests they have doubt over the verdict.
Could you speak to the SS and suggest that they specify in the paperwork that overnight visits are unable to wholly supervised (as family members would be asleep) therefor they should not be permitted?

Dogsfoxes · 20/01/2018 16:44

Your dd is probably not at risk, if he is in to teenage boys.

But in your position, i still wouldnt alliw sleepovers. But, i would have no contact at all with him. How do you bare to look at him, even?

EnglandKeepMyBones · 20/01/2018 16:44

Not a hope in hell would I be sending my child there, and my husband would understand that protecting a child was more important than saving an adults feelings.

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 16:54

In view of the fact that the social worker said that your FIL can't have unsupervised contact with your DD, you will need to talk to them anyway before you arrange a sleepover. If they're still saying no unsupervised contact for him, then she can't have sleepovers at their house. If DH's DM really wants her DGC to have sleepovers at her house her DH will have to stay elsewhere for the night.

That would make it much easier for you to say no.

JamesBlonde1 · 20/01/2018 16:59

No chance don’t do it.

The evidential test in a criminal court is beyond reasonable doubt.

The evidential test in a family (civil) court is on the balance of probabilities.

Believe me, social services would still be very interested in a child being potentially at risk, even without a criminal conviction. And rightly so. So should you.

Bambamber · 20/01/2018 17:08

You're absolutely doing the right thing. Well done for putting your child first despite the problems it may cause.

I can't imagine how you must feel in this situation, have you got friends or family that can provide you with some support?

Hidingtonothing · 20/01/2018 17:17

No, for the reasons you would expect but (and just for the sake of balanced argument) you could also reverse that and say it wouldn't be wise for the previously accused adult either. I think if I had been through being accused of something as awful as child abuse and was innocent I would avoid any situations where I could ever be accused again. I'd like to think I would also consider and understand your concerns as a parent and prioritise your comfort above anything else, including ensuring I was never alone with that child (and that would include overnight stays with another adult present because the opportunity would still be there, people have to sleep) so you never had cause to doubt or worry. So no, for everyone's sake.

Sunshineface123 · 20/01/2018 17:21

Feel for you OP. Echo the others though with absolutely not in a million years. I'd rather split with my husband than take that risk.

TriniRedVelvet · 20/01/2018 17:21

NO!!!!!!!!!!!

QuackPorridgeBacon · 20/01/2018 17:24

I probably wouldn’t risk it. I was abused by my step dad. I agree with innocent until proven guilty but like others have said, they may not have had the evidence is all. I don’t know all the details or the man himself so cannot comment really. The thing is though, if you and your husband split because of this, he can get custody (for half the time) and let her stay anyway.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/01/2018 17:45

DoggyMadMum did the agreement with SS that DD wouldn't have unsupervised visits expire when he was found not guilty, or is it still in force? Either way, expecting supervision from MIL when she feels this way is hopeless; she'd probably leave them alone deliberately "just to show you there's no risk", so I'm afraid that, in your position, a DD would only be staying if I stayed too

Are you able to say any more about why you feel the charges were "credible" ... or about why DH is so convinced they're not? It just seems such a vast difference in views on such a serious subject and I wondered why that was?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/01/2018 17:51

Have you only just found out what the stepfather did? Or did you know before and now want to change arrangements? If so, why now?

Also this ^^ I'm really unclear on the timescales here ...

lalalalyra · 20/01/2018 17:59

If the step-fil was completely innocent (which is different from being found not guilty in court of specific charges), then he would not want any child to be staying over in case there was another wrongful accusation and he had to go through the ordeal of being arrested, charged, court, possibility of prison, having previous accusations re-surface etc.

I was just about to post to say this.

I know a man who was wrongly accused (and was properly cleared - wasn't in the country when the child was assaulted and the child admitted they'd said his name because the actual perpetrator came into the room when she was talking to her mother). He did absolutely nothing wrong and it was 15 years ago.

He will only be in a room alone with a child if it's momentary and accidental (for example one coming in from playing out while their parent is making a cup of tea). He spends a lot of time with the children in the family, but none ever stay at his house.

It has made him very wary and very nervous.

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 18:01

I'm also wondering why you and your DH have such polarised views. Is he incapable of believing that someone he thought he knew could be capable of doing something so despicable? Sadly, there are people who lead double lives and those close to them are none the wiser.

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 20/01/2018 18:01

I feel so sorry for you OP. I couldn’t be around people like this- I would want to disappear with my child never to be found again!

Get SS to speak to your DH. They will be able to give him details about why they have given the advice re unsupervised contact.This will no doubt include details about what he is alleged to have done.
Read up and tell your child about the NSPCC ‘s PANTS underwear rule so that your child is aware about inappropriate behaviour. It’s very sad, but the age they suggest for this information is 5yo. At least that way your DD will be able to make a fuss if anyone tries to touch her. Tell her to shout and scream ‘ don’t do that to me. It is wrong. I want my mum NOW’ ’ Tell her to run around the house shouting it out, and up and down the stairs’ practice this with her, but don’t make it fun or a joke. She should say it over and over until the person stops.
Explain to her that anyone could do these things- this is very sad I know. Somehow she needs to understand that SFIL, MIL and possibly DH could represent a threat.Social services can advise you.
Neither your MIL nor DH are protective factors in keeping your child safe and this should be made clear to social services. They have been taken in by SFIL and therefore cannot protect your daughter.
The police rarely take cases to court for something like this unless there will be a prosecution. Social services need to help your DH to understand why they did.
No decent person accused of this would ever allow the possibility that they could be accused of it again....unless they knew they could get away with it. SFIL would not be having any GDs to stay if he had a shred of decency.

Good luck!

Skarossinkplunger · 20/01/2018 18:04

I would have to know the details. But generally I stick with the innocent until proven guilty.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/01/2018 18:16

No way op! YOur dd is vulnerable and cannot protect herself. Just because he was found not guilty, does not mean he was not, the British justice system is not flawless, and guilty people can be aquitted. Why are they so keen for your dd to spend regular nights there? This is something I would prepare to leave my husband over, its is vital you protect her.