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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 20/01/2018 09:00

YABVU and this comment of So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row
just makes me feel really sorry for your chidren that you appear to see him as such a burden.

LunchBoxPolice · 20/01/2018 09:04

When my ex went away and wasn't able to have ds on his usual weekend, we arranged for him to see him for an overnight visit during the week before he went and then a night when he was back. We have court ordered EOW but frequently deviate from it due to family birthdays etc..there needs to be give and take on both sides. What if at some point in the future you want to take ds to a family party and your ex says no, it's my weekend?
He has ds for the day today despite it being my weekend with him as I have tickets to something. I will do the same for him if he asks. I don't get on with my ex that well, he irritates me, but we both know that we have to get along to make life easier for us all.

ProperLavs · 20/01/2018 09:06

Oh, has the OP been a bit controversial and then disappeared? There's a surprise.

MaisyPops · 20/01/2018 09:06

Like others YABU and seem very jealous and bitter of his new partner.

It sounds like you're more intersted in being awkward to them and then painting yourself as some kind of hero 'i wouldn't dream of a holiday because I care...'.

Your attitude sounds like if this doesn't change you'll be the one being a PITA about school holiday contact too and also the type to expect step mum to treat your child as hers but then bitch if she does anything.

wisterialanes · 20/01/2018 09:08

YABVU OP. You sound extremely petulant and making this about yourself. Is "ending up with ds for 3 weekends in a row" really such a bad thing?

Sanguine1 · 20/01/2018 09:12

Have to agree. It’s better to be flexible, as you may need it one day. Maybe you and your partner should take advantage of this and have a break .

Inertia · 20/01/2018 09:16

If you have to work that weekend, or you have already made plans which don't accommodate children, then not swapping would be reasonable. Just saying no for the safe of it is pretty unhelpful, and not worth building resentment over. You might need a swap someday.

Angrybird123 · 20/01/2018 09:16

OP is unreasonable not to swap yes but i think people are forgetting that his 3 weekends in a row are not the same as hers because she has the son during the week too. And yes I know there are lots and lots of single parents who never ever get a break but it's not a race to the bottom here. Maybe the gf was OW and it's a bit hard to know you are going 21 days without any kind of break so they can go and have a great time together. I have swapped weekends around so.my ex and his ow can do things together, (including their honeymoon ) and it is a bit galling but it's the right thing to do. I'm not surprised the OP has disappeared - some responses in here are unecessarily harsh. Maybe they are not that far into the split and it is still raw. OP my split was not / is not especially amicable but yes it is reasonable to agree to this unless there is some specific reason why you can't do it but maybe ask in advance that he remember your flexiblity in the future. It's also perfectly reasonable to want a break from parenting as most threads on here acknowledge..it doesn't make you an awful mother because you would like a break.

ItWentInMyEye · 20/01/2018 09:20

Yabu, flexibility is in everyone's best interests. It's about give and take with me and ex DP regarding our son.

Original poster
MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 09:30

Kittensinmydinner
"If contact is court ordered, then a lot of people make the mistake that 'the court has ordered dad to have contact EOW - when in fact the opposite it true. The court has in fact ordered the resident parent (normally mum) 'to make the children available between xxx hrs and xxx hrs. There is no 'obligation' . If he simply didn't turn up, then he has done nothing wrong. If you retaliate by refusing contact the next weekend- you will be in trouble for breaking the order. "

Is that seriously true??

OP posts:
Original poster
MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 09:30

Surely you're in breach of court order if you jusst dont turn up!!

OP posts:
RavenLG · 20/01/2018 09:32

If you be childish and petty and say no it will come back to bite you in the arse. It’s 1 week, it’s not like he’s expecting you to take the dc for a month straight and do nothing in return. He’s just asked if he can swap 1 bloody weekend. I will never understand why people will be so petty like this.

Shakey15000 · 20/01/2018 09:33

I agree it's petty.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/01/2018 09:35

Kittensinmydinner is correct. I never thought of it like that but she's right. It's not him that's been ordered to see his child, its you that's been ordered to make him available

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 20/01/2018 09:35

Kittensinmydinner is correct.

Anyway, YABVU. I think you're just trying to prevent ex having a holiday with his GF

LavenderDoll · 20/01/2018 09:37

YABU and petty
Pick arguments carefully

RampantRegina · 20/01/2018 09:41

I think the way you are approaching this is very pedantic and not in the best interests of your son, or your ongoing relationship with his father.

I sense that there is some deep seated bitterness? There needs to be a degree of flexibility in child access arrangements. He has asked, he has given you plenty of time and you only appear to be refusing out of pettiness or wanting to be difficult.

I am divorced with two children and I guarantee OP that somewhere down the line you will need him to swap weekends and have your son on a weekend where you are due to have him. Establishing a better relationship will benefit you too.

FluffyWuffy100 · 20/01/2018 09:41

Unless there is a massive back story of him refusing to swap weekends with you, YABU

Original poster
MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 09:42

I refuse to believe there is no legal implication for the father who just doesn't turn up to collect his child. What's the point of the court order???

OP posts:
HelveticaVanBuren · 20/01/2018 09:45

Sounds to me like you're being spiteful to purposely inconvenience your ex. Some parents have to spend EVERY weekend with their children - imagine that!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/01/2018 09:46

No there's no order in the uk that forces someone to have contact with their child and rightly so.

I can see why he left you though

Enidthecat · 20/01/2018 09:46

The point is that the child is AVAILABLE for contact. It's not hard to understand.

Let's face it most court orders are there because the rp has not allowed contact or sufficient contact. It's unusual for the rp to be the one to instigate a court order (In my experience anyway)

Sunnydays365 · 20/01/2018 09:47

Yabu I'm afraid. Please pick your battles, life isn't always as planned and yes he might only be able to go on those dates. Don't cause friction over this as there may be a time when something comes up that you can't change.never say never:) go with it.

XiCi · 20/01/2018 09:47

He's not going to just not turn up though is he. He's just asked you to swap a week so be can go on holiday. As you can see from the replies everyone thinks this is a normal, reasonable request. What exactly is your problem? That you have your child for 3 weekends on the run. I can't ever imagine thinking of my child as an inconvenience. YABVU.

SD1978 · 20/01/2018 09:50

Unless this is a drip feed- he asked this once last year, and once this year. Not a regular thing, is otherwise ‘reaponsible’ with the EOW arrangement. So yes, you are being unreasonable. It’s once a year. As others have said, he can just not turn up- he doesn’t ‘have’ to make the weekend up, although he wants to to spend time with his child. I think you need to pick a better battle- this one just makes you seem bitter and petty.

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