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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 20/01/2018 07:51

YABU. Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to hear the answer!

Salene · 20/01/2018 07:51

Don’t be bitter, let him have his holiday you never know when you might need a Favor returned

kittensinmydinner1 · 20/01/2018 07:53

I would be very careful OP.
If contact is court ordered, then a lot of people make the mistake that 'the court has ordered dad to have contact EOW - when in fact the opposite it true. The court has in fact ordered the resident parent (normally mum) 'to make the children available between xxx hrs and xxx hrs. There is no 'obligation' . If he simply didn't turn up, then he has done nothing wrong. If you retaliate by refusing contact the next weekend- you will be in trouble for breaking the order.
I am not suggesting he does this - but ultimately it's a choice he could make if you are inflexible.
If there is no court order then contact is agreed between both parties and should always be flexible. It's in much greater interests for the child that both parents try and get along.

Why don't you take advantage of this flexibility and book yourselves a child free break ? Can't imagine it's easy having a new relationship with a 3yr old. He is not at school yet so Dad can take some of the strain and have DS3 while you enjoy a week with DP ?

ChasedByBees · 20/01/2018 07:53

I would. As others have said, yu might need the flexibility and it sounds like you’re saying no to spite him.

Also, If it’s his weekend to look after him and you refuse, that doesn’t mean he won’t go on holiday, it just means he needs to arrange childcare. Your DS may end up staying with someone else (grandparent for example) for that weekend in the same way that any parent who wants a weekend away will arrange childcare.

Enidthecat · 20/01/2018 07:53

Do the right thing for your child. One weekend isnt going to hurt you. Everyone is entitled to some time away from their child whether they live with them full time or not Imo. Get over yourself.

sunnyday1976 · 20/01/2018 07:53

My friends ex has just booked a holiday for a weekend when he should be having his Dd and told my friend afterwards, regardless of any plans she had, which I think is BU. But discussing it first, and as long as it doesn’t impact any prior plans of yours and flexibility will be reciprocated in the future, then YABU.

Lizzie48 · 20/01/2018 07:53

Another YABU, I'm afraid. Your ex is making a very reasonable request and it's only once a year by the sound of it. As others have said, you might need to ask your ex a favour someday.

You also sound jealous of your ex's new gf.

BashStreetKid · 20/01/2018 07:55

I just can't see why you think that a straight swap is "unfair", or indeed why you "wouldn't dream" of asking your ex to swap if you wanted a holiday with your partner on one of your weekends. Why be so rigid? So long as your son sees both of you equally he doesn't lose out. I don't know of any parents in your situation who don't work on the basis that a bit of give and take is sensible.

Mrscaindingle · 20/01/2018 08:00

I have a very poor relationship with my ex and we barely speak but even we would agree to this. If you are flexible with him he is much more likely to return the favour one day if you need it.

But I suspect the op is gone...

LaBelleSausage · 20/01/2018 08:01

Maybe I’m being slow, but doesn’t this mean that your ex would also have your son for three weekends in a row? Not two?
If it’s:
You
Ex - swap to you
You
Ex
You - swap to ex
Ex

I can’t see how the three weeks works otherwise.

And I agree with everyone else, YBVU

OuaisMaisBon · 20/01/2018 08:01

Unless there is a very good legitimate reason for you not to swap with your ex, OP, you are indeed being very unreasonable about this. I agree with what BashStreetKid just said - why be so rigid? You could well be shooting yourself in the foot for future compromises you might want him to make for you.

rjay123 · 20/01/2018 08:02

No wonder you’re his ex, you sound a horrible miserable person.

HidingFromTheWorld · 20/01/2018 08:04

Choose your arguments OP. This isn’t one that’s worth having.

And grow up. Life isn’t fair.

gunsandbanjos · 20/01/2018 08:14

I agree with the others YABU.

Missingstreetlife · 20/01/2018 08:20

If you don't want it ad hoc, it should be factored in and leave booked in advance. Allow it this year and say next year it must be planned for in advance

CurlyRover · 20/01/2018 08:28

I agree with others, pick your battles. YABVU

But I suspect the OP is long gone

strangerhoesagain · 20/01/2018 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 20/01/2018 08:30

Agree with everyone else. Also, is there any reason why you don't want your son for 3 weekends in a row?

cheesypastatonight · 20/01/2018 08:33

What is unfair about it exactly? You haven't said.

Jessikita · 20/01/2018 08:34

YABU.

What amatree says

Flashinggreen · 20/01/2018 08:42

YABU

Iliketeabagging · 20/01/2018 08:44

Is your son nothing more than a burden to be accommodated and entertained at weekends? You sound heartless.

Lostin3dspace · 20/01/2018 08:50

Well, I try to be flexible, and sometimes this happens where ex wants my weekend with the kids (I.e. He wants the kids as well) because he has family that rarely visit or a family wedding or something that he can't change the date of. I generally allow this but will insist on a swap in return.
He often goes on holidAy without them, - I prefer to have the kids than not, so I won't offer a swap in this case, but I will take the kids. I don't want to be without the kids for three weekends in a row!
He went on holiday for a whole fortnight during Easter once, and seemed to think that that 'counted' as me having more time, and I should just hand him his half of that time back later In the year.

I would think you are only NBU if this is a last minute request and you have already got plans that you books and paid for.

Having said that, he 'stole' one of my weekends, and did not even have the basic courtesy to communicate about it. I will be considerably less flexible in the future perhaps.....

NoSquirrels · 20/01/2018 08:52

Is your DS upset at the change?

If not, swap.
If he is, talk to him about how it can be fun this way round.

Are you/your DP upset at the lack of a child-free weekend? If so, consider who’s needs you are putting first. And remind yourself/them you’ll get 3 uninterrupted weekends same as your ex...

Up to you if you want to choose this as a hill to die on but there’s really no moral superiority in never swapping a weekend.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 20/01/2018 08:57

FFS YABU. You've got many years left of co parenting left with this man. It's not a ridiculous request.. for the sake of your son, grow up a bit

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