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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
Follyfoot · 22/01/2018 19:04

I’m willing to bet that many of the posters who say you’re being unreasonable have little experience of what being a single parent really consists of and / or they have some level of familial support...I would refuse this request. Not because I’d be ‘jealous’ or generally ‘unreasonable’ but because there’s a level of exhaustion you have to experience to understand in having your children, on your own, three weeks solid

And I'm willing to bet that many of the posters offering advice are single parents...

As for the level of exhaustion you have to experience after 3 weeks of having your children, you are right, I've never experienced that. I had 14 years of it, not 3 weeks. I'd still say OP, you are being unreasonable, it is a small favour in the grand scheme of things and not doing it is petty. Just do it.

00100001 · 22/01/2018 19:07

Fuck off folly

There parents out there that have their kids 24 / 7, no support, no EOW, doing it all on their own.

I'll bet they're already posting on this very thread.

donajimena · 22/01/2018 19:07

OP you are a petty cah!Grin

00100001 · 22/01/2018 19:07

oh... Not folly Blush

Follyfoot · 22/01/2018 19:08

Oooops Grin

perfectstorm · 22/01/2018 19:09

OP, was the girlfriend the reason the relationship broke down? If so, then I do understand that being asked to do them a favour so they can go away on holiday together really, really hurts. But the horrible thing about parenting in this sort of situation is that you still have to put the kids first, even when it's unbelievably painful. You just do. It's the job.

If it is that then the anger and desperation to avoid being the person to make it possible year in, year out is a lot easier to understand... but I'm afraid the answer, in terms of what you should do (and the attitude of a court) is the same.

Conflict between his parents won't just hurt your son. It will damage him. Badly. Please, please, seek to avoid that. Be flexible. Try to make the fact his parents aren't together workable for him... make the costs fall on your shoulders, and not his.

Tweetiepie1000 · 22/01/2018 19:14

OP you sound very, very bitter.

Do you think some counselling would be a good idea for you?

It’s not healthy to get so eaten up by bitterness that you cannot see the bigger picture and put your child and his relationship with his father first.

This will eventually bite you in the arse when your child is older and learns how you are behaving.

Guavaf1sh · 22/01/2018 19:20

Listen to tweetiepie that is excellent advice. You need to see how unreasonable you are. If in fact this scenario is true

Oldbutstillgotit · 22/01/2018 19:27

I think this is one of the most depressing threads I have ever read . OP , for your sake , for your child’s sake, move on . Please .

Helpmeltb · 22/01/2018 19:36

Single parent, working full time with no family back-up. I am very flexible with arrangements with exh but there are things I refuse to compromise on (like last minute things that spoil my plans or exh just expecting me to sit around and wait for him) but swapping weekends is something we regularly do.

You might need him to swap one day. I have hobbies where certain events might not fall on his weekend so we swap, similarly he might want to take gf to a festival or away for the weekend on a cheap deal. Similarly if something crops up at work that is urgent he'll pick the kids up for me if needed (even though I don't do that for him cos his gf does it).

Do you never have a night out with friends where you have to go along with their dates? Or go to a gig? It sounds a little like you might give too much priority to the dc and should do a bit more for you Flowers

NoSquirrels · 22/01/2018 19:50

The thing is, OP, that he absolutely might just “not show up” if it’s clear you’re going to be so inflexible - he’ll probably think fuck it, book the holiday and deal with you being pissed off later. Because he’s already tried to be reasonable.

And this will be much worse for you and your DS. You’ll be left wondering if he’s going to show, and dealing with a disappointed little boy when he doesn’t. Who you’ll have to swallow your annoyance and emotions around and reassure him Daddy still cares (if you did anything else you’d be an arsehole of the highest order).

So did everyone’s sakes it’s better to agree to be flexible.

peachgreen · 22/01/2018 19:53

That's for my child's sake.

Nothing you've discussed on this thread is for your child's sake.

dontforgetbilly · 22/01/2018 19:56

You seem to be ignoring all comments aimed at helping you reason and focusing only on details of a future court order.
I'm sorry you didn't get the response you wanted, but please consider before you go to court that the vast majority of pp thought ywbu and that your attitude was not well received. This is not the way you want the court to perceive you, or your child.

AintNoOtherFans · 22/01/2018 19:57

My friends asshole ex was dropping their dc off one evening and my friend had txt to say she's really sorry, stuck in traffic, be 10 minutes. That led to asshole ex telling the kids he doesn't know if mummy will be coming back and they may never see her again. My friends said the kids (who were very little) were in tears when she got back.

Something tells me if the ops ex does decide to just take his holiday anyway, the op may end up saying to their son what a let down daddy is, he's let you down/put his girlfriend first etc. Instead of saying dad can't do this weekend because of x and will have you 2 weekends in a row to make it up to you.

youwouldthink · 22/01/2018 20:12

I feel so sorry for your DC.

Livelovebehappy · 22/01/2018 20:25

We don’t know the back story to this. Maybe exH hasn’t always been reasonable himself. Maybe GF is OW. Maybe he doesn’t pay maintenance. Maybe he isn’t ‘father of the year’. The same women on here who are saying ‘be flexible; be accommodating’ are the same ones denouncing OP as vile and foul without knowing anything about her situation. I really can’t see how someone is going to mentally scar their DCs forever, just because they refuse to swap one weekend. It would be great if all of us discarded DWs could be lovely perfect human beings, but the reality is we don’t always act perfectly because we’ve been treated like crap. That doesn’t make us vile or foul.

SnorkFavour · 22/01/2018 20:40

I'm actually open mouthed at the fact that you think a court can ORDER an absent parent to turn up!!?!

The order is simply to ensure that YOU allow access to his father.

No court in the land would force a parent to see their child lol.

Any of us can walk away from our children at any time and provided we do it in the proper manner, ie, arrange it through the proper channels, there's nothing that can be done to force us to care for or visit our children and no charges for neglect etc can be brought.

As I said, the court order is simply for your sons benefit to ensure you allow contact with his father.

And fwiw, you're being incredibly unreasonable not granting his very reasonable request imo.

Julie8008 · 22/01/2018 20:48

I really can’t see how someone is going to mentally scar their DCs forever, just because they refuse to swap one weekend

As a one off I am sure the DCs will be fine. The problem is that this is how parental wars start and that does scar the children.

gingergenius · 22/01/2018 21:13

I'm a single parent of three, one of whom is autistic and who has recently refused to go to his dad's because he's a teen and apparently he knows everything and I know nothing. I'm self employed and if my ex husband had been inflexible I'd be unable to work. We've learned to compromise along the way and it's a good way to teach your kids that life isn't always black and white.

Please don't make this about point scoring.
Yes you're tired and need a break. Lots of us do, but you'd be wise to play the long game. Assuming you don't have an abusive ex I'd say yes and bank it for future favours.

GrooovyLass · 22/01/2018 22:45

OP do you actually have a reason for saying no, apart from point scoring? I just can't get my head around why you'd make such a simple thing so difficult.

cantmakeme · 22/01/2018 22:50

Yep, you are being unreasonable. I'm sure others will have reminded you how you might one day need some flexibility?
My ex and I did not have a relaxed, easy break up... but we allowed each other flexibility in arrangements for DD and it definitely makes life easier.

pteradactyl · 22/01/2018 23:04

I would, and often do, be flexible on this with my x and dd who is 8 too. He does the same in return. Its all very civilised

crunchermuncher · 22/01/2018 23:31

Family court won't be interested unless you've tried meditation first.

A mediator would tell you yabu (as ours told my ex in this situation when he refused to swap with me). You can't expect exact dates of EOW to be set in stone for ever more with zero flexibility. Life isn't like that.

Surely it's in your child's best interest to have some flexibility so everyone can do the things they want to do as and when they crop up?

ConcreteUnderpants · 22/01/2018 23:45

I've read the full thread, and oh my.
I also think you need some counselling, perhaps to help you move on as you come across as very bitter and vindictive.

Forget about the non-existent court case, and concentrate on your child.

Ellisandra · 23/01/2018 00:04

I have got a court order that is exactly as you describe.

Well, I haven't actually, just thought it might make you read this: YOU NEED THERAPY.

Your original post, but mostly your subsequent posts. Some flexibility around holidays (even "private" ones Hmm) is perfectly reasonable and very normal.