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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
Maybe83 · 20/01/2018 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinnieMousse · 20/01/2018 09:52

contact orders explained

As above, the contact order requires that the child is allowed a specified amount of access to the other parent.

Oldbutstillgotit · 20/01/2018 09:52

My exh frequently failed to turn up on his access days resulting in 2 very upset children. I spoke to my solicitor who said I couldn’t force him to turn up and even though I suspected he wouldn’t appear, I had to have the children ready at the agreed time. Although that was over 20 years ago u can’t imagine it has changed .

DriggleDraggle · 20/01/2018 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConcreteUnderpants · 20/01/2018 09:57

This happened last year as well? What a bloody cheek!

The second time in the history of your shared parenting that something has come up and a weekend needed to be swapped...What a liberty! Hmm

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 20/01/2018 10:01

I refuse to believe there is no legal implication for the father who just doesn't turn up to collect his child. What's the point of the court order???

The point of the court order is that it entitles the non res parent to have contact. If the non res parent persistently failed to turn up, then the res parent could go back to court and ask the court to reduce the amount of contact. Court would then decide if that was best for the child

bluesu · 20/01/2018 10:04

OP don't shy away from your original question now someone's thrown some legalities in the works.

Do you agree you may be being a teeeeeeeny bit U now ??

C'mon, fess up. Might make you feel better Smile

MajesticWhine · 20/01/2018 10:05

It makes sense to be flexible about this. You might want to go on 2 week holiday sometime.

WatchingFromTheWings · 20/01/2018 10:05

we wouldn't dream of booking a holiday on our own on a weekend we are scheduled to be with DS And expect my ex to look after him

More fool you! I've done this when I can only book trips around a gig/specific night out rather than on a weekend when kids aren't with me. Myself and ex always accommodate where we can.

YABU. Make the swap and let him know you expect the favour to be returned.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 20/01/2018 10:05

Wow, I’d be pleased to have my DC all to myself for 3 weeks, isn’t that what having children is about? You sound a nightmare. I bet if he was taking your DC with him you’d jump at the chance not to see him for 3 weeks! Or would you again say no just to be spiteful?

BaronessBomburst · 20/01/2018 10:09

I've had my DS for 412 weekends in a row. Just saying.

Oblomov18 · 20/01/2018 10:10

Wow. Just. Wow.

GrumpyOldBagFace · 20/01/2018 10:11

I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row

Confused

I hope DS never hears you talk like that. It's very damaging.

FlyMaybe · 20/01/2018 10:11

YABVVVU, OP.

I feel sorry for your child.

headintheproverbial · 20/01/2018 10:15

YABU. I hope you don't need him to be flexible for you one time.

Could this be sparked by jealousy of his new relationship?

greenlanes · 20/01/2018 10:15

my ex is beyond inflexible. He would rather die than meet me halfway on any matter at all. eg I had booked my DC on a 1 day course last year my when DC was with me. The course date was changed and my ex refused to allow our DC to go stating in answer to any email that "I needed to book the course during my contact time". The only person who suffered was our DC. If my ex had said sorry we are away, sorry we have other commitments etc. No issue. But it was the principle.

Please dont be that person. It really sours co-parenting totally. Be bright and happy and agree with a good grace. Worth it in the end.

headintheproverbial · 20/01/2018 10:17

OP - I think every single person on this thread thinks you are being unreasonable. So think it might be time to accept you are...

egginacup · 20/01/2018 10:19

YABU. Me and exH do this all the time, eg if I want to take the DC away a particular weekend, or if one of them has a party that falls on his weekend. I think flexible and amicable is the way forward, for everyone concerned.

DeStijl · 20/01/2018 10:21

You're talking about your child like he's an inconvenience which is pretty grim, first of all.
Secondly if you can accommodate your ex's request why not just do it. He's making up the lost weekend by having him twice in a row. The only one that will suffer if you decide to be a obnoxious is your son. He deserves two parents trying to be amicable.

GrooovyLass · 20/01/2018 10:21

Another YABU. He's asked you once a year and you think that this is awful? When DD was seeing her father the weekends were constantly being changed either on his request or mine. What's the big deal?

Crazycatladyx5 · 20/01/2018 10:22

My DD9 goes to her dad's every other weekend. I've swapped loads of times to accommodate his changing plans. Because occasionally I need to swap too...with me it's been more about having her for special occasions. DD & I are at same school so if ex ever can't pick her up (on the one night he gets her) he just expects me to get her...despite fact I'm in a meeting. Last weekend I was taking my bf away for his birthday & right before it ex decided he might be coming down with a bug & couldnt have DD. He has a partner plus family who could have helped look after DD of he was ill. When I'm ill I have to get out if bed & drive her to school! At Christmas he didnt turn up on Boxing day...2nd year running, (only 2nd Xmas hes been gone)...cos he was ill....resulting in upset DD & me cancelling plans. Ive got fed up and marked all the weekends till summer hols when he is having her & told him we are not changing them.
However, I would advise you to accommodate a change this time.. ..but if he gets like mine & starts taking the piss...Id think again.

Nottheduchessofcambridge · 20/01/2018 10:22

What is the actual issue OP? Why won’t you swap?

Nikephorus · 20/01/2018 10:24

What's better for your child - 2 parents who co-operate about parenting or 2 parents who barely speak because 1 has to be awkward for the sake of it. You'll be hurting your child as much as you do your ex.

Porgs · 20/01/2018 10:25

Agree with everyone else! My DP always says yes to swaps when his ex requests them and she always says yes when he requests them too unless there is something already planned for that date. Why wouldn't you?! It means DSD never misses out on the special stuff like family birthdays etc and if there is an event we really want to go to that is not child friendly we usually can. It's in the child's best interests and ours to be flexible.

ThisLittleKitty · 20/01/2018 10:28

Yabu. My ex doesn't take our kids at all through choice yet I still think yabu!

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