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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

422 replies

MagsRiff · 20/01/2018 06:23

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

OP posts:
Notallthat · 20/01/2018 06:53

YABVU your ex must never take a 2 week holiday or you will withhold his rights to see his child for a month. You sound bitter and controlling imo.

PrinceofWales · 20/01/2018 06:54

Ugh,

When I think of how hard my ex and I work together to make things flexible and fair for each other this kind of pettiness makes me sad.

You are BU and very childish. He's allowed a holiday.

MidniteScribbler · 20/01/2018 06:55

Don't be petty. He's not refusing to take his son for the weekend, he's just asking for a swap. You come across really badly if you can't manage to swap occasionally. You are two, presumably, grown adults, and you should be able to act like adults. Unless you have a valid reason (work, booked a holiday of your own, etc) for not being able to have your son on the weekend that he asked, then just grow up. He's not asking anything unreasonable, and you may want a favour yourself in the future, so don't burn your bridges just for the sake of being petty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/01/2018 06:56

It sounds as if your ex doesn’t have a lot of choice. Perhaps his or his partner’s employer are more inflexible than yours so you will never need to swap. Do you really want him to never help you out or be flexible for you?

Twooter · 20/01/2018 06:56

Not all that- it’s not just a two week holiday though. It’s any week long holiday that starts on a weekend.

Ratbagcatbag · 20/01/2018 06:56

I'm separated, and a single parent now. My ex is reasonable and flexible, I'd swap in a heartbeat if it didn't impact on any plans I had.
In fact on one occasion it did and I said j was happy to get a babysitter so long as he paid. He was happy with that compromise.
You have years co-parenting, don't go into battle over this, honestly. You never know when you will want his help back, and it's much easier to go from the position you've been fair and reasonable from the start.

Ratbagcatbag · 20/01/2018 06:58

So what I meant to say is YABVU

MirandaWest · 20/01/2018 06:59

I agree with other posters that swapping is fine, unless you have something specific to do that weekend. A bit of give and take is a good thing.

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2018 07:01

Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario

Yep. I happily swap for my ex-H.

He isn't ducking out of his commitment as a parent.

Fwiw ex-H has asked for a couple of swaps over the 4 years since we've separated. I've asked for none. However holidays/breaks are far more important to his mental health than mine. I absolutely know he would swap for me in a heartbeat.

Pick your battles OP, this isn't one.

KeepCalm · 20/01/2018 07:04

YABU for all the reasons mentioned above.

PastaOfMuppets · 20/01/2018 07:04

Do you not want your DS 3 consecutive weekends? What about if you say ex can just take DS the extra weekends before or after his holiday? So the weekends either side of his holiday plus an extra one as well (to make up for the extra weekend of his you're doing) and then the next one would be his again anyway, if you get me?

TheSameCoin · 20/01/2018 07:05

My ex and I swap weekend on occasion. Often it’s because of work commitments but sometimes it’s social things too - mine as well as his. Flexibility is a good thing IMO.

PastaOfMuppets · 20/01/2018 07:06

Otherwise - if you're not willing at all to compromise to all be happy - why have you posted here if you aren't going to entertain the notion of you BU? Because if no compromise you're just being petty and unless there is a bit of a history or a drip feed you're not going to get a heap of sympathy I'd think.

rwalker · 20/01/2018 07:08

think of your child they should come first .sorry but you are coming across bitter you need to be flexible .If you say no and find your self in the same position for what ever reason how can you ask ex for a favour .Seems you are trying to stop his holiday with gf .A good flexible agreement between parent only benefit the child score as many point as you want to get bak at your ex but in the end the only person loosing out is YOUR CHILD

AllPowerfulLizardPerson · 20/01/2018 07:09

This is a unanimous YABU, so I do hope it does dawn on you that lack of flexibility and consideration are not good qualities.

You say he's done it precisely once before (last year), again with notice. He's not taking the piss.

I think it would be petty to refuse. And possibly counter-productive in the long run. As it would be foolish to assume you'll never need/want a swop.

Tragicboozyflaccidclown · 20/01/2018 07:10

I don’t get on with my ex at all but I’m still flexible with stuff like this.
Like others have said,it’ll comeback to bite you on the arse one day, don’t be petty

LazyDailyMailJournos · 20/01/2018 07:10

OP: IABU?
MN: YABU
OP: But, you're all wrong because...

SpareASquare · 20/01/2018 07:13

Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

Yes.
I swapped.
You sound bitter and jealous OP and it is clear that this is what drives your inflexibility. It WILL come back to bite you on the arse one day.

Bluedoglead · 20/01/2018 07:13

That’s not a battle I would pick to fight tbh

seven201 · 20/01/2018 07:14

Can't he just do an extra weekend before he goes or once he's back. I think you're being a bit ridiculous to be honest.

ButterflyOnTheWindow · 20/01/2018 07:15

You are being intentionally unreasonable. And mean spirited. It's a very unattractive trait. And if you persist in this behaviour your ds will be the one who feels it most keenly. Grow up.

lalaloopyhead · 20/01/2018 07:17

YABU, and you make having your DS 3 weekends on the trot sound like a negative. There is no reason to not be flexible, and you may need to swap a weekend in the future.

Oysterbabe · 20/01/2018 07:18

Agree yabu.

Muddlingalongalone · 20/01/2018 07:18

I would swap, unless you already had plans for the weekend in question. I wouldn't change my plans for their holiday but I would be flexible. Flexibility works both ways and we only do overnights in hols due to distance and day visits during term time but we would swap Saturday and Sunday if it suited and always check which week of the hols works best etc.

Pseudousername · 20/01/2018 07:20

Wondering how OP would take it if ex and his partner asked to swap so that they could take the child away with them on their two week holiday?!

OP you are coming across as very jealous of your ex's new partner and petty and controlling as a result.

What a shame for your child.