aibu to refuse swapping weekends with ex

[MagsRiff]

How do you ladies approach this?
My ex has our DS8 every other weekend. He wants to swap a weekend round (So I end up with DS 3 weekends in a row then he takes him 2 in a row) because he wants to go on holiday with his GF. He says because of work commitments that's the only dates they can both go. Well IMO he has more important commitments (you know, being a father) and should either arrange a holiday around the eowe schedule or just accept he can't go. I don't think it's fair to ask me to accommodate a private holiday.
Any separated mum's out there been in the same scenario?

I can’t believe you are going to play the sexist card 😂

Grow the fuck up and stop being so jealous. It’s embarrassing. The man isn’t wanting to lose any time with his son he just wants to be able to have a holiday with his girlfriend. I reckon your partner could do with a private holiday away from you.

You are a control freak and I won’t have any denying of that. It’s plain to see in your limited and selective posts.

I was flexible about it because sometimes I needed to swap around too - say fir family parties or events, work did or friends birthdays. Doesn't bring flexible benefit both of you - or us it really because he's going away with the gf? Get yourself some action too then!

Do you still love your ex and are you jealous? That's what comes across.

YABU. My XH and I have flexibility as it works for OUR son. Working with him rather than against him makes life more harmonious for your son too. There may well come a time when you would like him to be flexible for you - how would you feel if he refused?

I just want to make sure he can't just 'not turn up' regardless of me disagreeing. That's for my child's sake.

How do you imagine a court would enforce such an order? It seems to me that their only recourse would be either to stop or limit contact, or put him in prison. How would that help your son?

If you refuse to swap now and take this to court, there's an excellent chance that your ex will get provision for holidays and flexibility written into the arrangement, because there's no sensible reason for a judge to disagree. So you may as well agree to it now anyway.

Your poor son deserves better

OP, I hope you are okay. Some of these messages are needlessly nasty and as the previous recipient of the mumsnet Mafia under a name change I can tell you it’s not nice.
You are totally within your rights to want a weekend respite - parenting is rewarding but so, so hard. Yes you have a DP but it’s not the same as having their own parent involved - I am lucky that my DH is DS father however he has a demanding job often staying at the office until 11pm at night and going in at weekends too, I absolutely need respite sometimes for example he was off today and let me sleep in till midday and have breakfast in bed. I needed that. You need your weekends off. If you don’t want to swap for a holiday you’re absolutely not a bad mother and not giving women a bad name as some rude PP suggested. Sending you and xxx

I'm willing to bet that many of the posters who say you’re being unreasonable have little experience of what being a single parent really consists of and / or they have some level of familial support...I would refuse this request. Not because I’d be ‘jealous’ or generally ‘unreasonable’ but because there’s a level of exhaustion you have to experience to understand in having your children, on your own, three weeks solid

^^

I'm a single parent of a 3 year old and 1 year old and the longest i have had away from them since jan 14th last year was 4 hours for court. Three weeks solid is a breeze.

You need your weekends off. If you don’t want to swap for a holiday you’re absolutely not a bad mother and not giving women a bad name as some rude PP suggested.

She's not going to not get her weekends off, they are merely going to be in a different order! Might be worth reading the OP before you answer and before you call posters RUDE!

Yes, it's a swop. Her DC won't be losing any time with his DDad, and she's got months to plan if she wants/needs additional back up

While I agree some of the posts have been a bit heavy on the opinion, and it must be hard for OP to have read these in response, I think the point is not that OP feels slightly disgruntled at the thought of having her child 3 weekends in a row, which of course does not make her, or anyone else a bad mum. It's the fact that this is somehow considered to be a deal breaker of huge proportion. It might be a minor annoyance, although for most, I would think it is not, but a guns blazing into court job, it is definitely not! Millions of separated parents up and down the country, parent co-operatively and flexibly. That is always in a child's best interest, and that is what most people on here have tried to point out. Bitterness is never a good thing.

I think that's what's annoyed people, because it's definitely annoyed me, is that people have asked why it's such a big deal, why not be a little flexible in case you need flexibility in the future but op came back and asked if she could get a court order.

I'm willing to bet that many of the posters who say you’re being unreasonable have little experience of what being a single parent really consists of and / or they have some level of familial support

We don't know that OP hasn't got familial support. Plus she's got a partner who I would hope helps out.

It's power play to refuse, unless it genuinely affects plans you have already made. Why not co-parent cooperatively and everyone had a nicer run of things. Refuse flexibility now if you want but be prepared for it to bite you on the ass. You're being a bit of a dick op.

Is this still going on?

Be flexible! I get you seem to be jealous of your ex. Fine. But you aren’t gaining anything by being awkward. Court??!! Really?? He’s not avoiding his responsibilities, he wants a private break. I’m sure he would reciprocate.

Disgruntled at having a child 3 weeks in a row? Give me a break! What about those of us that work such long shifts at the weekend that this is the norm???

I think YABU me and my ex swap weekends often and help each other out, things crop up and life happens.

'MagsRiff

Well all I can say is I hope the court is more woman and child friendly than most of you!!!'

As someone who's close friend is going through the court system I laugh loudly at this. The court is going to rip you apart for being inflexible with a weekend swap.

I can pretty much guarantee that a court will view YOU as in the wrong. I know people who's ex messes about awfully with the dates and contact and she is told to be flexible where it is reasonable. Once a year for a holiday with a girlfriend is reasonable.

Courts won't enforce against anyone for not turning up for access, they only enforce when a resident parent fails to make a child ready for court ordered contact. Even when the parent is really unreliable they will still push for access from experience.

You sound pissed off that he's going on holiday with his girlfriend tbh.

Also it’s your child sounds like you can’t be arsed if your ex didn’t want to see his child your have said child every week

My ex will and has left work to come and watch our child and a child I had in new relationship if there is an emergency, he takes our child and my other DD to his house with his new girlfriend because my DD likes to invite her sister for tea and we have all been to the sea side and theme parks together.

Be flexible and don’t make it sound like you having your own child for an extra weekend like it’s a shit thing FFS have a word with yourself imagine how your child would feel if they read this

And I say this as someone who has had two children on my own one of whom has special needs day in day out with no family childcare for the last twelve years with little contact with ex and no financial support from him and i work

Sorry for late reply to your question OP - but I see it's been answered by others..
Read the wording of the judgement. It will be something like this..
In the matter of the arrangement for the children it is ordered that the children will live with their mother at xxx mansions, xxx town. The mother is hereby ordered to make the children available to the father from ?? Time /date. Until ?? Time/date.

You cannot get a contact order to compel a parent to have their children. Contact orders are taken by the NRP AGAINST the RP.
If a RP is not happy with the order they can apply to vary it. It still won't force the father to visit.

Let me get this straight - you’re planning on taking your ex to court because he wants to swap one weekend?

This is insane. Your son won’t even care that the weekends are swapped. He will care that his parents are in a feud. Keeping an amicable relationship with your ex is much more important than scoring points and winning arguments, and sticking to a rigid schedule.

@Redhead17 - your relationship with your ex sounds wonderful. That’s how it was for my mum and dad, who split when I was 6 months old. Dad and my nan were part of the family. It really helped - and my mum HATED him. The circumstances of their split were acrimonious, she had an affair, and yet. They sat around the table together for family meals at home, at least once a week.

You also raise a good point about how the OP’s child would feel if he read this. Before I met my new husband, when I was truly on my own, any ‘3 weekends on the bounce to accommodate something my ex is doing’ absolutely exhausted me. It’s hard being a single parent. And I definitely did feel a childish sense of, BUT I NEED A BREAK! I never took it as far as moaning about it though. I just felt grateful I usually got to enjoy breaks - how did all those happy traditional families COPE, never having a minute’s peace...? ;-)