MIL wearing white

[2016mumma]

Hi all,
So I don't drip feed but too long to write it all down...so slight overview incase it's relevant.
My MIL and I always got on brilliantly until my DS was born a year ago, since then she has been opinionated on every decision we make as his parents and if we ask her not to do something she will infront of us go against our wishes, with the excuse of it's what Grandmas do. That's a whole different thread.
We get married in September and yesterday MIL announced she was wearing a off white dress for the occasion. AIBU to be a little hurt by this I believed the etiquette of weddings was only the bride wears white?
I am trying really hard not to take it personally and as a fingers up to me ( although this is something she would do) she always wants to be the centre of attention and will play the victim if ever we try to discuss the way she is with DS.
If I am being reasonable in that it's not the done thing to do, do we say something or keep our mouths shut for the sake of keeping the peace.

My mil wore red and black, then for the evening do just black. She told us that the reason she looked so sad was because our wedding day was 'the total destruction of her family.'

my MIL AND my DM wore white to my wedding It's a good job I didn't

She’s just going to make herself look silly.

This is the sort of thing my mother would do and the only way to deal with it is to ignore it, easier said than done I know but they love all the drama. If she mentions the outfit just say oh right mmm hmm or “that’s niice” in the style of Mrs Brown

My ex MIL did the same thing on our wedding day. Ex DH tried to speak to her and she did the whole tears thing but she knew exactly what she was doing. To be honest, most people judged her badly for it on the day and it backfired a little. I personally was mighty pissed off but on the day, I hardly noticed her. And that pissed her off more than if I'd made a fuss. Jiggly is right - she's trying to start a war. Don't let her win. The less attention she attracts the better.

mesBeverley your MIL sounds errrr interesting!!!

What did she do on the day your son was born, OP??

Honestly I can see why it would upset you but you will be the bride and all eyes will be dawn to you. Have you seen it?

I went shopping for my mums outfit and we picked a ivory /pale gold outfit together for her. It was so clearly a MOB outfit that I realised that it would make no difference what colour it was. Now if she picks a lace off white maxi dress....

A girl wore white to my wedding and everyone talked about her afterwards and how rude she was! So if she does wear white then she will be the one looking ridiculous! I noticed the girl at my wedding... granted she wasnt my mother ib law... but didn't really mind on the day becuase there's a difference between a white dress and a gorgeous wedding dress! Maybe talk to fiance and say that is he aware his mum is wearing white and people who see photos might judge her on her choice and will he be okay with that or does he want to talk to her about it?

If you REALLY want to upset her say nothing until the wedding day itself when it’s all too late but she will feel really uncomfortable. I’d be kind and say how brave she is to break with tradition and not care about how others would regard her wearing off-white when it is always considered such a social faux pas and utterly crass!

Oh no don't say anything - let her wear white. She might as well be wearing a "Really difficult MIL" neon sign. If your DP's girlfriends are there it will give them time to run. All of your friends and family will know exactly what you are on about next time she does something weird. The only person that will look bad is her. It's a win-win for you Any argument you ever have with her ever again can be won with a simple head tilt and twinkly "well what do you know, you wore a white dress to your son's wedding"

My cousin gave the mothers and grandmothers of the bride and groom and colour swatch for their wedding outfits. Try that? Made them feel like grown up bridesmaids as in special part.

*DP's brothers girlfriends.

If your DP has girlfriends that's another thread.

I'd say it straight out to her 'mil, I want us all to be comfortable at the wedding but I'd really prefer it as the bride to be the only one in white/off white. I want you to be included on the photos & think it would look better if you wore another colour. Of course, if it's a really big deal to you, then I'll cope with it - hope you don't think I'm being 'bridezilla or anything! Let me know what you think'

It sounds hilarious. Take many photos.

I blame Pippa Middleton

It sounds like this about more than the dress!

Any post that includes the line 'to keep the peace....' means doing something that you find difficult, in order to please/appease someone. Normally the pleasing/appeasing is impossible, whatever you do.

I'm in the 'push back, hard' camp. Someone feeds my child chocolate before lunch (or at all) - well, that person doesn't see my child until they've learned some manners. Someone wants to upstage me at my own wedding - so what if the BIL kick off, or MIL cries?

Push back. Kick if you have to. You have the grandchild, and therefore the power. IF you can stick to it, and have the guts for a stand-up fight - for a while.

I’m not one to back down from a fight but there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

I have found that smiling and using a polite and cheerful tone allows one to say anyone one likes while simultaneously making it very difficult for the other party to complain.

She wants to be matriarch, that’s fine but you are a mother too, and as mother of her grandchild you hold all the cards.

You have the power, you just need to wield it.

Eg follow her out the room, pick up your child and bring him back to the family while smiling and saying “we don’t want your gorgeous little tummy filled up with rubbish before lunch do we?” “sweeties after lunch only”.

See if this came from a sane lovely mil who was kind and generous then no big deal, but your mil is being a bitch on purpose. Definitely tell your mum and MOH!

Let her make a fool of herself it is no reflection on you, OP.

However, your dh needs to stop her behaviour with your dc - it is not acceptable and it is not what grandma's do. If she cannot accept the way you raise your child then she doesn't get to spend time with him and she can bleat all she likes, her choice.

I blame Pippa Middleton

Errr...why?

Presumably she didnt choose the colour scheme?

OP just let her get on with it and keep reminding yourself how desperate she will look to all the other guests. I attended a wedding where the SIL of the bride turned up in white and yes she was definitely trying to upstage the bride! She was the subject of much sniggering/whispering behind hands and later on when some of the more outspoken guests had enjoyed a few drinks, there were jokes made directly in front of her.

It seems like she is doing this to goad you almost so if she brings it up, just smile (perhaps throw in a tinkly laugh) and say something cryptic like "What a unique/unusual/interesting etc... choice" Then change the topic.

My cousin gave the mothers and grandmothers of the bride and groom and colour swatch for their wedding outfits. Try that? Made them feel like grown up bridesmaids as in special part.

That sounds really weird and controlling.

Coast suggested this as a MOB outfit - can only think it was meant to make people think of how the bride came into the world ( known to us as the Vulgar Vulva frock)

People will be sniggering about her behind her back, some may even have the balls to say something to her face about it. I wouldn't worry. It'll just make her look sad and desperate

So glad everyone agrees that she is completely batshit crazy.
I have shown DP the replies he is shocked at how bad she will be viewed. He says he thinks he should say something so she doesn't look like a moron.I am now swaying towards let her make an idiot of herself
Somebody asked what she did the day son was born, it's quite outing but long short of it was DS was born premature and very tiny. She announced his birth on fb before we had told all our family and then turned up at the hospital where our poorly son was being treated with a bus load of people to meet her new grandson. That was just what happened in the morning