Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL wearing white

415 replies

2016mumma · 19/01/2018 19:33

Hi all,
So I don't drip feed but too long to write it all down...so slight overview incase it's relevant.
My MIL and I always got on brilliantly until my DS was born a year ago, since then she has been opinionated on every decision we make as his parents and if we ask her not to do something she will infront of us go against our wishes, with the excuse of it's what Grandmas do. That's a whole different thread.
We get married in September and yesterday MIL announced she was wearing a off white dress for the occasion. AIBU to be a little hurt by this I believed the etiquette of weddings was only the bride wears white?
I am trying really hard not to take it personally and as a fingers up to me ( although this is something she would do) she always wants to be the centre of attention and will play the victim if ever we try to discuss the way she is with DS.
If I am being reasonable in that it's not the done thing to do, do we say something or keep our mouths shut for the sake of keeping the peace.

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 22/01/2018 01:13

It's not just the issue of whether it's rude for the MIL to wear white to a wedding though is it? There's something frankly creepy about it too... in a Greek "unhealthy fixation" kind of way that could leave people wondering if the MIL really wished she was the bride instead... yuck!

MistressDeeCee · 22/01/2018 03:34

Bling it up girl, you're the bride it's your day you'll look far more the part than she will.

I do hope you're not the type that's meek in the presence if your MIL. If you can't put her in her place then studiously ignore or be very bland in response to her actions.

Also what Jiggly said seems a bit extreme. But I agree, in a way. A man who couldn't discreetly take his mother aside, stop her being over-invested and/or playing silly one-upmanship games with his wife to be, would kill any attraction I had for him stone dead.

He should surely be able to have a diplomatic word so it doesn't cause a rift.

It's just too weak to be attractive. She'd be there as a huge pain in the arse in your marriage until her dying breath, because your DH avoided dealing with the issue.

Good luck with all and I hope you get the wedding day)life you want with your man

brotherphil · 22/01/2018 08:33

I never get the bride wanting to be the centre of attention

What else is a wedding about?

WheresTheHooferDoofer · 22/01/2018 08:40

Truffalotree the brides in my family photos didn't wear white. And I've seen other photos of local families; no white dresses for brides. Certainly wasn't a thing here.

brotherphil · 22/01/2018 08:40

Your DH to be needs to nip this in the bud by either telling her not to post photos of the wedding on FB (preferably in front of witnesses) & or confiscate her phone/camera on the big day.

Two words: GSM jammer.

brotherphil · 22/01/2018 08:45

My DH would have (rightly) told me to get a grip if I'd asked him to talk to his mum about what she intended to wear.

The difference is that OP's DH has already taken offence at not-so-DMIL making a point of trying to upstage OP, and has already offered to talk to her about it.

Fruitbat1980 · 22/01/2018 09:13

I had a mare with my MIL over this same thing. After being just engaged we had a family lunch and MIL asked if there was a particular colour theme she should fit with, I said what theme was but said don’t feel you need to fit- anything you love is fine- as long as it’s not white or cream (ha ha ha said everyone at the table) 4 months on BIL said casually in the car - “oh I went shopping with mum and she picked an outfit, I hope you like it” great, what’s it like said naively “white” FML. What I said, she is not the bride?! Blah. Blah. Upshot was he told her she showed me outfit and said “I’ve been told I can’t wear this” no shit, it’s was a white/ cream long dress???!!!!! “I wish you’d said” “I did” “I thought you were joking” “?!” What were they thinking??!!!. I fee like bridezilla but there was no reason for it. She bought another (beautiful) outfit. I don’t regret standing my ground. She’s have been a laughing stock. My friends were all 😵

Emma71992 · 22/01/2018 09:28

The dress is question is a white lacy dress, that could pass as a wedding dress, that wouldn't look out of place at a 2nd wedding 😩

This is exactly what my MIL did. I never thought i'd have this problem so can understand why you're upset. One thing I would say is tread carefully, as people have said it reflects badly on her so try not to worry. My experience was horrible. Went with my DM and DH to talk to her about it. We were super polite, didn't even get to the suggestion of her not wearing it before she turned vile and made my DH cry ( they were extremely close before this which made it even more upsetting, to this day i don't know everything she said to upset him so much. Their relationship on his side is not the same although she believes everything is fine. Focus on what an amazing day it will be, everyone will be looking at you :)

diddl · 22/01/2018 09:58

What will you be wearing Op?

So she has a white lace dress, obviously not a wedding dress as she isn't getting married.

Now it seems that your husband to be will only be bothered because of what people might say/think about her, not because you're upset.

Riv · 22/01/2018 11:18

If her dress is off white and yours is actual white not only will she look silly, her dress could actually look grubby next to yours.
It's so wrong of her I agree, but as most people on here have said, it reflects badly on her, not on you. You will still be the centre of attention. It is your day.

areyoubeingserviced · 22/01/2018 11:23

Agree with others. She’s just going to look like an idiot.

VanillaSugarGlider · 22/01/2018 11:27

Please please please let her wear the dress. And tell her that the dress doesn't look quite right unless she's wearing a tiara. Oh, and she can't possibly wear a buttonhole, she needs a proper bouquet.

Then get your bridesmaids to swarm around you during the day and your MIL will have to listen to the " What IS she wearing???ShockHmm" comments.

Queeniebed · 22/01/2018 11:28

YANBU
I recall attending to my male cousins wedding where one of the brides friends wore a gorgeous white ballgown style dress with a sash covered with beautiful butterflies. I didn't know her and I was drunk after the meal so I settled for glaring at her for completely upstaging the bride who to this day I cant recall what she wore but this dress is seared into my memory

Queeniebed · 22/01/2018 11:29

Should have said YANBU for being upset but is it worth the strife? Instead add something completely amazing to your dress - (my mind is still on that butterfly sash) to completely wow people and don't tell anyone

FizzyGreenWater · 22/01/2018 11:34

Good that your DP is on side.

Get him to say it like this - 'Mum, I really don't want you to wear white. I don't want my own mother looking like a desperate fool trying to make a point at my own wedding. I'd be totally embarrassed.'

Something along those lines. Make her think.

If she's shaping up to be a nightmare generally it's actually quite good that this has happened. Let your DP handle it and see her strop. Then remind him of her behaviour around your son's birth and say - 'there is clearly going to be more of this nonsense, I don't actually want to fall out and am prepared to pick my battles BUT one of those battles will be my son, how he is raised, and how we spend our time as a family with him. All of that will be OUR business and NOTHING to do with your mother, and I need you on side with that. If we're united we'll be fine and can draw good boundaries.'

whiskyowl · 22/01/2018 14:51

Let her do it. Then tell all your friends that she did it deliberately to upstage you. It's win (she looks ridiculous)- win (in a highly public fashion).

BertrandRussell · 22/01/2018 15:54

“Let her do it. Then tell all your friends that she did it deliberately to upstage you. It's win (she looks ridiculous)- win (in a highly public fashion).”

Because that is exactly the atmosphere you want at your wedding!

whiskyowl · 22/01/2018 15:58

True, Bertrand.

OTOH, it sounds like the best atmosphere would only be obtained by excluding the MIL in question altogether. Grin

noeffingidea · 22/01/2018 16:21

I think shops might be selling MOB outfits in cream/ off white, etc because some people might be choosing to have the wedding party in those colours. Like Beyonce's sister did. All the women wore white and it looked stylish and the bride wasn't upstaged at all.

Thats one thing though, and obviously it's not what the OP wants, so she needs to address the issue with the MIL if it is going to upset her.
brotherphil I thought my wedding was about getting married, not being the centre of attention.

TheABC · 22/01/2018 16:35

White is an unforgiving colour. That's why I picked a red dress for my wedding. It looked fantastic. If you really want to get up her nose, OP (and assuming you don't have a dress yet!), thank her for wearing white as it will compliment your coloued gown nicely. And keep the details a secret

It sounds like an epic falling out is on the cards anyway: good luck. Worst case scenario is if you time it right, you may need to cancel a few places. You DH has your back, which helps.

SnowDance · 22/01/2018 16:40

My MIL did this. She made a massive fool of herself by wearing white. It’s obvious to anyone at a wedding that whoever does that is an attention seeking nightmare. She was the same at every big event we have had. U and your DH will have to take the hit at some stage and stand up to her regardless of the family fall out that it causes. Otherwise she will always be like this. It’s up to you if u do it now about the dress or if u let her embarrass herself with the dress and stand up to her later. The only danger of not doing it now is she might try her antics at the wedding too (my MIL did- although I don’t think she would do it again now as we’ve stood up and been very firm with various things now and a common understanding has been established!)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/01/2018 16:43

In what way did MIL make a fool out of herself SnowDance? Did people point and laugh?

Kiki275 · 22/01/2018 17:31

OP, just let it slide and let everyone else worry about your MIL. The only thing you need to worry about is marrying the person you love, life surrounded by people who love you.... everything else is just details.

My MIL asked what colour my mum was wearing (so as not to clash) and I truthfully said "If she makes it, I don't care if she's in a polo neck jumper with trousers and her dinner down the front... as long as she's there". She was in hospital on the big day and couldn't attend and I'd have given anything to see her rock up in a white frock.

All that aside, I'd have been more upset if guests or family turned up in head to toe black than I would if they were in white. I personally think celebrations deserve colour x

Fruitloopcowabunga · 22/01/2018 18:50

I was always told it's bad manners to wear white or black to a wedding if you're a woman (blokes can wear a black suit at a push but with a light shirt and light or bright tie). On the other hand, she'll look silly and desperate and you'll look lovely, I'm sure.

Pereie · 22/01/2018 19:08

My mum wore a white wedding dress to my wedding.

It was a floor length fully beaded evening gown and she looked stunning. She walked my down the aisle and I was dead proud of her. She never got a proper wedding and has been divorced a long time so I wanted it to be special for her too.

If ANYONE else had wore that dress I would have seriously judged them. But my mammy was allowed.

Wearing white to someone else's wedding is just a no-no ad she will be judged harshly for it!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.