MIL wearing white

[2016mumma]

Hi all,
So I don't drip feed but too long to write it all down...so slight overview incase it's relevant.
My MIL and I always got on brilliantly until my DS was born a year ago, since then she has been opinionated on every decision we make as his parents and if we ask her not to do something she will infront of us go against our wishes, with the excuse of it's what Grandmas do. That's a whole different thread.
We get married in September and yesterday MIL announced she was wearing a off white dress for the occasion. AIBU to be a little hurt by this I believed the etiquette of weddings was only the bride wears white?
I am trying really hard not to take it personally and as a fingers up to me ( although this is something she would do) she always wants to be the centre of attention and will play the victim if ever we try to discuss the way she is with DS.
If I am being reasonable in that it's not the done thing to do, do we say something or keep our mouths shut for the sake of keeping the peace.

I simply cannot imagine caring if my SIL wore a dress the same colour as the bridesmaids.

Say that people will look at her oddly. My MIL put my SIL in white, she was still schoolage. I suspect it's because she wasn't a bridesmaid. People were very rude and my poor sil was very embarrassed. It's not that I have rude friends, they were all very much surprised anyone would wear white. You need to save her from that. If you can't persuade her, don't worry, it won't make you look bad, she'll just look stupid.

Actually Polly your friends are very rude indeed. How nasty of them.

"It's not that I have rude friends"

Yes you have. I would hope that my friends would just ignore any faux pas/passive aggressive system t and just breezily carry on regardless. That's what grown ups do. Especially
With a child ffs!

Have MIL read these articles.

Perhaps print out, highlight relevant section and leave out in plain sight when she next visits

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.telegraph.co.uk/fashion/style/new-rules-wedding-dressing-according-etiquette-experts-debretts/amp

www.glamour.com/gallery/15-wedding-guest-dos-and-donts

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3073640/Ultimate-style-guide-wedding-guests-revealed.html

Let her crack on OP.

Like other pp's I was once invited to a wedding where the MOTG wore white (in a very bridal style).

Whilst everyone was polite to her face, the vast majority of guests noted her poor etiquette and privately discussed what a fool she'd made of herself.

Truth is white is actually a very unforgiving and difficult colour. You can carry it well in youth, but as you mature it's very unforgiving.

White does nothing for me (and tbh a lot of women imho) which is why my wedding dress was a very pale silver and I put my bridesmaids in white.....only kidding, they were in a darker pewter colour.

If I was in your place I'd let her wear white and assuming you haven't bought your dress yet, pick something beautiful in gold/silver/bronze. You'll look fabulous.

Either way no one is going to confuse her for the bride. She'll just be the butt of jokes made in private on the day (or maybe in public as the day wears on).

@WhooooAmI24601 I say this with the greatest respect i hope that you reach your 50s, 60s, 70s, and someone who doesn't know you tells you that you will look ridiculous in white.

For goodness sake! OP is unhappy bc future mil is going to wear white. Why drag the rest of us into this? 50 is not some odd cutoff point for wearing white.
Should we simply bag it in and wear Velcro easy-steppers instead of heels as well?

I can only think of very offensive and defensive and rude things to say to you regarding your kindness or lack thereof.

Yes, OP, brides are normally the only white wearers, yes mil is making a fool of herself and yes, she's not a good mil, grandmother or mother.

However. She is your husband's mother. So unless she's putting someone in danger, try to ignore her. It's awfully difficult (My mil is cruelest person on Earth), but your dp and dc will appreciate your efforts. Mine do...to them, I'm a hero!

Concentrate on your dp and dc, they are most important.

I got married a very long time ago. Can someone tell me when it became the bride's business what other people choose to wear? It certainly never happened when I and my friends were getting married.

I chose my dress and, the the help of chief bridesmaid I chose the bridesmaids' dresses. Other than that - not my business. I have no idea if anyone wore white to my wedding or at the dozens of weddings I've attended since. Really not my business.

it just isn't poor etiquette to wear ivory, cream etc as a guest. You have only to look at the many sites specialising in wedding outfits to see how common and totally normal it is.

I wouldn't have dreamed of even asking MiL what she was going to wear, let alone dictate what she should or shouldn't wear. That's just rude. My DH would have (rightly) told me to get a grip if I'd asked him to talk to his mum about what she intended to wear.

Just worry about what you're wearing,the rest isn't up to you.

It isn’t normal at all for guests to wear white or ivory kaya! I don’t think I’ve seen one magazine showing that.

Or wedding site - are you sure you aren’t looking up mature wedding outfits instead?!
A wedding is the one day a bride gets to wear something particular ;a white dress) and it’s the high of rudeness for anyone else to wear this too

Is she going to look a lot better than you in white?
Why are you so bothered?
Stop being so precious and she might leave you alone.
If she insists on doing the opposite when she is with your son - stop giving her so many instructions. Stop giving her the ammunition and then she can't shoot you.

I’m finding the “ Just leave it- everyone at the wedding will be pointing and staring” approach very strange.

a) Are people really that rude? And b) if they are, is that really how you want the atmosphere to be at your wedding?

Jacques Vert - Mother of the bride

www.jacques-vert.co.uk/jv-mother-of-the-bride/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI-PqMidfo2AIVb5PtCh0k9gH1EAAYASAAEgJ_y_D_BwE#/jv-mother-of-the-bride/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI-PqMidfo2AIVb5PtCh0k9gH1EAAYASAAEgJ_y_D_BwE&page=2

www.stacees.co.uk/lace-mother-of-the-bride-dress-sheath-column-square-neckline-knee-length-with-jacket-s10233348m.html?gclid=EAIaIQobChMImdfiqNfo2AIVT7vtCh20CgRDEAYYCSABEgKLNvD_BwE

catherinesofpartick.co.uk/mother-of-the-bride-dresses-groom-outfits/

Plenty to see there, Rainbows.

If we're going to get picky it's odd that women who already have children or live with their partners wear white at all. That dates from the time when brides were virgins.

Dear god - it’s isnt accept to wear cream. Yes the beige is ok and a touch of cream - maybe why they have. But you don’t choose a whole outfit of cream.
Honestly, even if the bride doesn’t mind everyone else will think you are being rude and not over the fact it’s the brides day not yours

Pastel is a good choice however! Nothing wrong with blush or pale blue etc

I also got married a long time ago and it was certainly poor etiquette at that point for a guest or any other member of the wedding party to wear white or ivory.

Honestly, even if the bride doesn’t mind everyone else will think you are being rude and not over the fact it’s the brides day not yours

No, they won't. Plenty of people on this thread have said so. As I said, I wouldn't notice. But the wedding sites are pushing cream and ivory for mothers of the bride/groom, so it must be acceptable or they wouldn't be selling any.

Blimey. Off topic really, but those Mother of the Bride outfits are grim! And why a separate section for Mother of the Groom?

Right. Haven't read full thread but been thinking about this in the shower (don't go visual)

You have several choices:

1.DP pulls her on it but that's clearly not going to happen.

1. Maid of honour pulls her on it. Possibly not ideal unless MOH strikes up conversation about her outfit and looks aghast or laughs as if she's 'joking right?!'

1. MOH starts game during Henny regards wedding nightmares and someone is planted with a story that the MIL arrives in a lacy ivory dress. Make sure she's close enough to MIL for her to hear and that everyone laughs remarking how nobody could be so rude/shameless/desperate etc. Naturally you say nothing.

1. Give MOH £50 to slip to a waiter at the hotel handing out bucksfizz prior to ceremony which gets spilt all over dress or red wine after ceremony so everyone can see what a twat she is.

Obviously these suggestions get progressively worse and whilst not condoning option 4 it did give me a chuckle!

BTW I got married in blue and didn't give a shit what anyone else wore so am not sure am qualified to comment

I’m incredulous that people still give a hoot about this kind of wedding etiquette.

My MIL wore ivory. She looked like a MIL in ivory whereas I looked like a beautiful bride. No biggie!

"I’m incredulous that people still give a hoot about this kind of wedding etiquette."

Particularly when they are only such sticklers when it comes to mils. There are threads ful of people saying of course it's OK to wear black to a wedding- nobody bothers about that old fashioned stuff nowadays.....

Why do people care? Really. Anyone wearing white/cream/ivory are not going to upstage the bride.

Hi my mum wore white for my daughters wedding, and all I can say is, pretty much everyone commented that she was being a bit of a mare, and that it showed what she was like as a person, certainly didnt get the attention she was hoping for. Dont let her spoil your day, and best wishes for forth coming marriage.

But the wedding sites are pushing cream and ivory for mothers of the bride/groom, so it must be acceptable or they wouldn't be selling any.

Maybe it's for when the bride wears other colours.

This colour thing is a minefield. My mother still talks about how her son's MIL wore the same colour as her despite telling her it was different. It was one of those green-blue colours that can look different depending on the colour.

My sister and I wore very similar pale dirty pink dresses (different styles), and didn't say a word and nobody commented.

And unless someone showed up in the same wedding dress as I did, I didn't care or remember what other people wore to my wedding. It's was all about me.