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Original poster

Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

731 replies

lottieandmia22 · 18/01/2018 19:49

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

OP posts:
HairyBallTheorem · 18/01/2018 23:02

Bugger romance! I want a partner who is just that - an equal partner. I'd feel demeaned and insulted that he felt I couldn't pay my way, and he (going off the men on this thread's reactions) would quite rightly feel I was a cheeky fucker who was freeloading. Not a good basis for a relationship.

JaceLancs · 18/01/2018 23:10

First date for me is usually coffee or drink only - don’t care who pays
Second date offer to go halves - no expectations then - if I think a third date is likely I will accept him paying on second and I’ll offer and intend to pay the next time
Only time this hasn’t worked for me is when there has been a big and obvious difference in incomes
A couple of years ago this was the case and he insisisted on picking up all the tabs because he earned well over 20 times my salary - I gave in but kept my dignity by paying for small stuff like the car park, coffee here and there, papers and I would buy him small thoughtful gifts

noeffingidea · 18/01/2018 23:14

Putting clean clothes on is hardly the same level of effort as colouring your hair and makeup
It's not compulsory to colour your hair or wear makeup for a date.
I haven't dated for a long time, but if I was I would insist on paying half.

BonnieF · 18/01/2018 23:15

Some very depressing replies on this thread.

It's evident that even in 2018, some women still only want equality when it suits them.

Greensleeves · 18/01/2018 23:18

I'd expect to pay half but I wouldn't be surprised if a man offered to pay. It doesn't ime mean he's a sexist, it can just be residual cultural conditioning. I wouldn't be so over-focused on money that the question of who paid would override the 2+ hours worth of impressions I'd have gained of him during the date. Am a bit Confused at people talking about the cost of getting ready and whether the man driving meant the cost of petrol should be factored in. Not in a sneery way, it's just radically different from how I would think. I'm quite shit with money.

BlondeB83 · 18/01/2018 23:20

Go halves, I would force the issue if a man was trying to insist.

Aroundtheworldandback · 18/01/2018 23:21

I would always offer to pay but would be rather surprisised if I was taken up. Even my 16yo pays for his girlfriend (or we do!)

BlondeB83 · 18/01/2018 23:21

On my first date with my husband we went out for drinks, he bought the first round, I bought the next etc.

SilverySurfer · 18/01/2018 23:30

I find it absolutely shocking in this day and age that the default stance on this isn't 50/50. Even 50 years ago I always insisted on paying my share. What makes you so special that you shouldn't? It doesn't make the man tight if he accepts, it shows you up as a gold digger who he will quite rightly probably dump at the first opportunity.

StickThatInYourPipe · 18/01/2018 23:31

My first date with dp was in my pjs! We had a nice meal out planned but i got sick and he came over and looked after me instead. We watched movies and ate a frozen pizza he picked up on his way.

Very little was spent on that date but I knew I couldn’t let him go!

(Disclaimer I had known him for 3 years at this point so not a stranger I just let in my house!)

If we had have gone for the meal I imagine we like have gone half each, I hate peoplle paying for me (because I feel like I can’t get what I want have have to scrimp, even if they say ‘get what you want!’) so think it would be nice if someone offered but I would always insist on going halves.

Doesn’t matter now because all the money is ours so it literally depends on who didn’t forget their wallet hahaha!

Screw the old fashioned crap! It’s well left in the past!

Thistlebelle · 18/01/2018 23:43

Gwen (and others) there are thousands of women out there happily going on dates without having shaved legs, coloured hair or make up you know. It’s your choice.

Otherwise you are rather suggesting that women only shave their legs,
colour their hair and wear make up for the benefit of men which is patently untrue.

I’d love to be able to do a survey:

Do the type of women that think men should always pay end up with the kind of men who think that women should do all the housework? Hmm

Linning · 18/01/2018 23:45

I find it interesting because as a bisexual woman I have experienced both first dates with men and women and I find that the attitude of women differe a lot depending on wether they go on a date with a man or another woman.

As a woman, I have always subconsciously been taught that if a man offers to go half or doesn't pick up the tab then he isn't worth a second date. As someone who believe in equality, I have always felt uncomfortable with the fact that a man should pay for me for the only reason that he is a man, it just seems wrong, I am a perfectly capable woman who can afford her drinks and meals, thank you very much. I also feel like letting a man pay put me in a position where I "owe" him something and using my position as a woman to get a "freebie" which goes against my beliefs, so usually I go halves but if I really like the guy I may let him pay under the condition that I will be paying for the next one though or for the drinks.

Dating women on the other hand is very interesting because women naturally see other women as their equals (which they don't necessarily do with men as shown on this thread). Of course you still have the odd Cheeky Lady that comes to the date without money for a "free ride" every once in a while but in general women either naturally pay halves on the first date without any kind of hard-feeling (and still wanting to go on a second date with that person) or fight to be the one to pay for the first date because they really enjoyed themselves and want to show it to the other person by picking up the tab. There really is not this odd thinking that if two women go halves then one of them is tight (or then they would both be!) and nobody assume either that if one of them offers to pay it's because they think the other one isn't capable of paying for her own drinks/food so I do think men are giving a tough time in the dating world and kind of can't do no right (if they insist to pay they are jerks who don't see women as equals and if they accept to go halves they are tight men who don't deserve a second date.)

I think women should act the same way they would if they were to date another woman. If they wouldn't go on a date expecting another woman to pay for them, then why do they expect a man to do it?

blackteasplease · 18/01/2018 23:49

I quite like to pay halves but then again it's quite nice if the other person (who would be a man in my case) offers to pay.

So I'm a bit on the fence tbh.

If the other person suggests a really expensive place then they probably should pay.

x2boys · 18/01/2018 23:52

I quite agree Linning.

Reddlion · 18/01/2018 23:52

halves shows friendship
he pays although I will offer after the 3rd date
only will pay my half if I have 0 interest in him after 1st date

Reddlion · 18/01/2018 23:53

when it comes to gay couples who pays?

x2boys · 18/01/2018 23:54

When I first met dh he didnt have two pennies to rub together I on the other hand had quite a decent wage how would it have been fair expecting him to pay?

x2boys · 18/01/2018 23:57

Halves doesn't show friendship at all wether a date turns into a relation ship depends on far more than who pays Hmm

Viviennemary · 18/01/2018 23:58

I think the man should pay on a first date. If he didn't then I'd think he was a meanie and to be avoided. But if it was a meal then I would offer to go half and usually a nice man would refuse. However, if I didn't intend to see him again I'd probably insist I went half.

Reddlion · 19/01/2018 00:01

a golf diggers is someone who ask for a gucci bag on the first date and will only date a man because of his job.
expecting him to pay for a £40 meal is hardly gold digging.

the fact is if as a woman you had sex with him on the first date you are labeled a whore, he is labeled as he scored
if he don't pay he is labeled as tight and if you allow him to pay you are a gold digger

both sexes have their benefits and the fact is equality in regards to social attitude is not there so I think a lot of you on here judging should stop
if you want to pay your choice some women are more traditional and there is nothing wrong with that

Reddlion · 19/01/2018 00:03

I go halves with my friends I think there is nothing more embarrassing then sitting there saying "I had this you had that" and counting pennies
I use to be a waitress so this is a phobia of mine I seen it a lot on dates it is just akward

Thistlebelle · 19/01/2018 00:04

So those that think men should always pay, are you bring your daughters up with this nonsense?

And would you be happy if your DS’s end up with a woman that always expects him to shell out?

x2boys · 19/01/2018 00:06

Meh i had sex with dh within about an hr meeting him we have been together 13 years now I had more money than him then he has more now our relationship works because it does nothing to do with societal norms

ThatGirl82 · 19/01/2018 00:11

I can’t believe how many people on this thread say they expect the man to pay and some who say they wouldn’t go on a second date if he didn’t!

My now long term partner didn’t offer to pay for our meal on our first date, we went halves, I don’t think he had much money at the time but that didn’t bother me, we had loads to talk about and I found him attractive.

Four years later and he is doing well work wise and is soooo generous. He often buys me clothes when I can’t afford them and pays for dinner, the majority of holidays etc. I am currently on maternity leave so he is paying all bills and giving me money to buy clothes etc. So him not paying on the first date clearly did not mean he was at all tight.

I’m so glad I didn’t have the same opinion as some people on here when we first met!

MakChoon · 19/01/2018 00:15

If I wasn't interested in a second date then I'd totally insist on paying half. If I was interested then I'd still offer to pay half but I would happily accept if he insisted on paying. I'd suggest that I get the next one.

I'm a bit Blush to admit that despite being a feminist for as long as I can remember, I would be a bit Hmm and even put off by a man who didn't at least offer to pay on the first date.

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