Page 29 | Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

lottieandmia22 · 2018-01-18T19:49:39+00:00

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket. BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures. What have your experiences been?

ilovesooty · 25/01/2018 21:27

There are even more women outside MN who expect the man to cough up by virtue of his gender?

Oh dear.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 25/01/2018 23:05

*There are even more women outside MN who expect the man to cough up by virtue of his gender?

Oh dear*

I know, makes for depressing reading doesn't it.

There was a thread a while back where hundreds of woman stated that a mans earnings and work potential was one of the main things they looked for in a partner and many had been advised by their mothers to look for a man who could keep them. Made sad reading for those with sons.

Original poster

lottieandmia22 · 26/01/2018 00:38

Yes PepperedBeef. I think you're right - it does sound that way. But attraction isn't logical imo.

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HelenaDove · 26/01/2018 01:09

I would always offer to pay halves ...........always But in the distant past i bent over backwards to prove i wasnt materialistic and ended up with a bloke who would time me in the shower , shout at me if i rinsed an apple under the tap before rinsing it and asked me to take Imodium so he wouldnt have to buy toilet roll.

So i would have to let it be known that i expect certain standards . But i would always offer to go halves and if i couldnt afford to date a certain type of man i would refuse the date.

Pepperedbeef · 26/01/2018 06:34

My rules on money and man finding (the latter born out of experience of being financially used and separately, depended on due to circumstances beyond the man’s control) are to not need a man to support me and not to get involved with a man I will need to support. I found a man as financially independent as I am and we took turns to buy drinks on our first date. Obviously if once bonded things happen that require my support then that’s conpletely different.

I’ve advised my son to adopt the same approach.

Buck3t · 27/01/2018 22:26

Peppered I am stalking you it seems. I agree wholeheartedly once again. Finding the right mate is very important.

Pepperedbeef · 28/01/2018 01:13

Thank you Buck

Original poster

lottieandmia22 · 28/01/2018 10:31

'asked me to take Imodium so he wouldnt have to buy toilet roll. '

Wtf? Where on earth did you find this gem?

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Sppapp · 29/01/2018 08:52

My rules on money and man finding (the latter born out of experience of being financially used and separately, depended on due to circumstances beyond the man’s control) are to not need a man to support me and not to get involved with a man I will need to support. I found a man as financially independent as I am and we took turns to buy drinks on our first date. Obviously if once bonded things happen that require my support then that’s conpletely different.

I’ve advised my son to adopt the same approach.

This is so sensible and something I will definitely encourage my sons to do too. I would hate for them to end up with a woman who expects to rely on them financially (apart from during potential young children are young).

Original poster

lottieandmia22 · 29/01/2018 10:42

It's not just about when the children are young though is it Sppap? Who takes time of work when the children are ill? Even taking maternity leave halts career progression for women generally and has a longer term impact.

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Sppapp · 29/01/2018 12:29

It's not just about when the children are young though is it Sppap? Who takes time of work when the children are ill? Even taking maternity leave halts career progression for women generally and has a longer term impact.

Yes, taking maternity leave does halt career progression somewhat. And I will absolutely bring my sons up to acknowledge this and to make sure they are responsible for their children. However hopefully there will be a few years from when they start dating their future partners, to when they decide to have children. And during this time I would want to see that the partners they have chosen are self sufficient and independent.

When it comes to children being ill, I would expect them to share this time off equally with their partners, just like I did with their dad when they were young.

I am really hoping society will change between now and when they are adults, and that parenting will be seen more as a joint effort where no-one will bat an eyelid at shared parental leave. And if this is still not socially accepted by then, then I hope they are confident enough in themselves to do it anyway.

blueskypink · 29/01/2018 14:32

All this talk of maternity leave and the impact on career progression is very strange. Surely when people go out with friends or colleagues for a drink/meal or to the cinema/theatre etc they don't take into account the other person's salary or projected earning potential when deciding how much to contribute to the bill? I have a friend who earns a lot more than me - I don't expect her to pick up the bill if we go out. In fact I might feel patronised and that she didn't see us as equals if she tried to pay for me. Why should it be any different when people are dating?

Original poster

lottieandmia22 · 29/01/2018 15:13

Of course it's different when dating. The entire point for me is that I don't want to be treated like a friend by a man I'm interested in romantically.

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blueskypink · 29/01/2018 15:22

You don't want to be treated as an equal? You want to be treated as an inferior?
Or you just want to be treated?

Original poster

lottieandmia22 · 29/01/2018 17:13

I think you're being obtuse. All relationships differ in their dynamic. You would not say that your relationship with your mother is comparable with that of your husband. And I don't want to go out with someone who treats me like a mate.

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HelenaDove · 29/01/2018 17:34

lottie my ex (Imodium man) was very vocal about everything being 50 50

HelenaDove · 29/01/2018 17:43

my original post about him from another site.

1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thought my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more
By the way this was a man in his early fifties.
There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again

HelenaDove · 29/01/2018 17:47

He was one who only wanted to partake in the parts of feminism that suited him.

HelenaDove · 29/01/2018 17:54

Oh and he borrowed his sisters car when i said not to worry and we could do things another time.

And i started to make plans to spend some time with friends that Saturday instead.

But no the man who thought everything should be split 50 50 wanted me to keep myself available for him just in case and got the hump when i started to make other plans Happy to take the part of feminism that would suit him financially but not the part where a woman has her own plans and life away from the relationship. Still wanted the bit where a woman would wait around for a man.

A man wanting to go 50 50 on a date is no indicator that he sees you as an equal. Look out for other red flags.

Original poster

lottieandmia22 · 29/01/2018 18:29

He sounds absolutely vile Helena.

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blueskypink · 29/01/2018 18:30

I think you're being obtuse. All relationships differ in their dynamic. You would not say that your relationship with your mother is comparable with that of your husband. And I don't want to go out with someone who treats me like a mate

And you call me obtuse Lottie!

blueskypink · 29/01/2018 18:34

He does indeed sound vile Helena - but thankfully not representative of all men who support sexual equality.

HelenaDove · 29/01/2018 18:34

I learnt from it lottie If i ever find myself on the dating scene my eyes and ears would be looking out for this type of behaviour.

PurpleDaisies · 29/01/2018 18:41

The entire point for me is that I don't want to be treated like a friend by a man I'm interested in romantically.

It’s ridiculous that you’ve decided paying your fair share of dinner means you’re being treated as a friend.

HelenaDove · 29/01/2018 18:41

blue he didnt support sexual equality though. If he did he would have embraced all of it not just the part where he gained financially..............and we worked for the same company at the time. He and others who worked in the warehouse were paid double time for mega events after 5.30pm Us shop workers wernt paid at all after this time and these outside events we had to do would go on until 10pm.