Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

[lottieandmia22]

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

I never let men pay for my meal anymore. Guy I saw years ago expected to come back to my flat for sex because he'd paid. Didn't want to see him again after that and felt paranoid that he knew where I lived.

It's not about the money though Yellow, I would say it's about the gesture. If a man won't make the effort on the first date, just imagine the set-up ten years down the line if you ended up with him

I'm a firm believer that you can't pick and mix equality when it suits. Therefore be prepared to split the bill. (Obviously if one party glugs expensive booze etc they should contribute a bit more.)

But ... i will say that I'd be happier if the man offered to pay (though I'd refuse). My point is that if you are looking for a serious relationship/ someone to have children with, you'd want to know he wasn't a meanie who'd insist you pay half the bills while on maternity leave etc.

I think to some extent it depends on the set up of the date. If the invite is along the lines of 'can I take you out to x' then the implication is that it's your treat. If it's more of a 'shall we go to x together' then I'd expect more of a negotiation on who pays. dh and I took turns to pay way back when. As a woman I'd be wary of getting into an unbalanced situation as I don't want to feel in any way in debt to someone else, so generally I prefer to go halves.

a man won't make the effort on the first date, just imagine the set-up ten years down the line if you ended up with him

So by that logic, the woman not making the effort on the first date is going to be a nightmare years down the line if he ends up with her.

Sex equality = we pay our own way

Both should offer to pay, and then agree to go halves.

I would never expect a man to pay for me, and I would never go on a second date with a man who insisted. I don't need you to pay for me, mate.

Somewhat perversely if I fancied them I let them pay and the if I didn’t I went halves.

This was first dates only after that strictly halves or turn taking.

Split it unless someone offers. It doesn't have to be the man.

When I met my partner, he asked me on a date. I knew he didn't have a lot of money I knew his circumstances but we went halves. Then the next date I paid for. He offered to pay but I knew he couldn't afford it. He paid a few times when we went out. Eventually he got a better paid job and started paying a lot more. I know you don't always know each others circumstances but I would say halves is fair x

I’m completely appalled at the notion expressed earlier that the man should pay because the woman has spent money getting ready!

How you dress and your grooming regime is entirely choice.

I agree with a pp, you can’t pick and mix equality.

Pay halves to start with and then take turns once an ongoing relationship is established.

Ah the old "I'm old fashioned" and the equally ridiculous "pretend" offer to pay half.

FFS!

First date man pays - assuming he did the asking - then you pay the next date, then take turns and so on and so on.

I think you should be prepared to pay and offer to pay half. I think the guy should offer to, and pay for the whole thing.

This goes beyond equality, in my personal opinion people who ignore or question social conventions and niceties aren't good to date. It might be "fair" but it is not polite and shows either they would be a pain in the long run, or don't care that much. It's a behavioural cue.

Other examples: people who don't let women get in/out first, who don't tip, people who don't give a few coins to a beggar. These are all social conventions that are not necessarily fair or equal, but not doing them is a negative signal.

I always went halves on dates, but if they hadn't offered to pick up the bill, then there wasn't a second date.

God help me

I can't believe some of the tell replys on here people are always going on about equality etc and then they expect men to pay I always went halves quite often I was the better earner then anyway .

I demand itemised bills so I can divided up exactly what we both ingested, including oxygen

"How you dress and your grooming regime is entirely choice. "

More effort is expected from women though. Hairy legs and grey hairs are criticised in women when they aren't in men.

Gold diggers alive and kicking on this thread.

Of course people should pay their own way, if someone insists on paying that's fine.

Halves every time. Blimey. Why should someone pay for me? I'm an adult, right?

The exception is the "I'm taking you out for your birthday, so it's on me" scenario which works both ways.

Surely this goes back to a time when women were second class citizens and had no control over their lives, no independence etc?

I love the complete lack of self awareness of some women who are quick to label a man ‘tight’ if he fails to pick up the whole tab for the evening while they simultaneously refusing to open their purse.

Also, the idea that a women should get some kind of rebate on the cost of a date due to the idea that she might have spent more getting ready is about as tight as it can get. By that logic if a bloke on a first date let it be known how he bought an expensive new shirt, had a haircut, bought a new pair of shoes and a bottle of premium aftershave specifically for the occasion has he earned himself the right to at least go Dutch or would you offer to pay?

The thing is though, however much we want equality of the sexes it is not there. Women are more vulnerable because we are the ones who can bear children whilst the man can bugger off and pretend he had nothing to do with it.

Men are also still paid more than women in every job area.

I think men who offer to pay seem kinder if they earn more.

More effort is expected from women though. Hairy legs and grey hairs are criticised in women when they aren't in men

Effort from a man is expected and appreciated by women on a date as well I suspect. Looking scruffy and unkept or rocking up to a date in an Arsenal shirt snatched from the dirty laundry basket is not going to lead to a second date I imagine.

"Looking scruffy and unkept or rocking up to a date in an Arsenal shirt snatched from the dirty laundry basket is not going to lead to a second date I imagine."

Putting clean clothes on is hardly the same level of effort as colouring your hair and makeup.