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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should men pay for dates or at least offer to pay?

731 replies

lottieandmia22 · 18/01/2018 19:49

This is a subject I have a lot of mixed feelings about really. On one hand I can see that it's not fair to expect the man to pay. If he was going on many dates initially he'd be severely out of pocket.

BUT my experience of men who don't at least offer to pay is that later on they seem generally tight. OTOH I was very put off by a man who made huge grand gestures.

What have your experiences been?

OP posts:
Buck3t · 24/01/2018 20:30

Yes but if you date a man who, even on the first few dates (when you might expect them to be trying to make a favourable impression or effort), never offers to pay...

Helps if you copy the relevant text.

lottieandmia22 · 24/01/2018 20:31

Yes I do get what you mean Buck. Perhaps I am indeed wrong but that experience has given me a bad view of men who do that.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 24/01/2018 20:45

lottieandmia22
I really don't see how some people can't see that this isn't about money and women going home thinking 'ooh good I haven't paid a penny'

Experience.

birdseye2010 · 24/01/2018 21:36

Women shouldn't expect to be paid for but if the man pays it shows he's less selfish as he's just offered to pay for a relative stranger. I like kind people. And I always reciprocate kindness.

but he would do it to be kind. he would do it because, in some circles, it's expected.

It's not a mark of kindness to buy someone something if it's expected, might get you something in return, and the person could likely easily buy it themselves. If you want to be kind buy a homeless person a meal.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 24/01/2018 21:39

I really don't see how some people can't see that this isn't about money and women going home thinking 'ooh good I haven't paid a penny'

Well for you it clearly is about money as you will judge a man negatively if he not ‘kind’ with it.

For a young man starting out in life it is quite a big deal if you are expected to pay for first dates in their entirety when you are borderline skint. I have been there, it’s crap having to work out if you can afford to ask someone out or not at the risk of being called tight.

Finally you are very naive if you think that there is not a sizeable minority of women out there (especially on dating websites) who will happily go on a date with a bloke that they are only moderately interested in if there is chance to experience a high end restaurant or exclusive bar at someone else’s expensive. It is not about a ‘free dinner’ because they can’t be arsed to cook that evening but more a case of bragging rights with their friends and work colleagues that they had been somewhere swish!

lottieandmia22 · 24/01/2018 21:40

I've already said that if skint it's different. You seem very defensive Pan...

OP posts:
1ndig0 · 24/01/2018 21:45

I have never in my entire life known, heard of or spoken with any woman of any age who would bother going out with a "mediocre" man just for a restaurant experience or "bragging rights". It's far more hassle than it's worth and could get really awkward so why would any woman bother?

Indie139 · 24/01/2018 21:46

Went on a couple dates last year. Always offered to contribute or go halves but the guy has always insisted on paying the whole bill

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 24/01/2018 21:49

Not defensive, just exasperated with your mental acrobats on this thread that try to justify a largely antiquated and untenable point of view. Equally depressing is the fact that some mothers are teaching their sons to accept this nonsense, thankfully it would seem to be a minority position these days

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 24/01/2018 22:15

1ndig0

I did not say ‘mediocre’, I said ‘moderately interested’, there is a difference! Certainly in my experience I have seen in the past friends and work colleagues take a gamble on a date with a man who did not tick all the boxes but were persuaded to go on a date as it involved going somewhere exclusive. You don’t think it’s worth the hassle, neither do I, but it does happen!

lottieandmia22 · 24/01/2018 22:16

It's not mental acrobatics - I just have a different view from you. You need to accept that we all see things differently.

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lottieandmia22 · 24/01/2018 22:19

'Well for you it clearly is about money as you will judge a man negatively if he not ‘kind’ with it.'

It's not about money, it's about their intent.

OP posts:
YellowMakesMeSmile · 24/01/2018 22:24

It's not about money, it's about their intent

So in that scenario the woman who expects the man to pay is showing their intent of being a leech for the rest of the relationship if it works out?

lottieandmia22 · 24/01/2018 22:35

No, not at all. It's the woman's role to show generosity too. But after the man.

OP posts:
Buck3t · 24/01/2018 23:54

Lottie - It's the woman's role to show generosity too. But after the man.

Whaat!!! And who gets to say I love you first? What's that rule? You are completely making this stuff up right?

TeaFrowel · 25/01/2018 01:06

I think it’s generally a good idea to meet someone through your social circle who shows mutual interest so you’re meeting as “equals” first.

If you’re feeling it’s too much to pay for something socially, then don’t do it, that just makes you look desperate?

I’m off work for retraining this year (female) and I’m not dating (or even going for nights out with friends, as I can’t control costs)

of course it’s the social norm to have to get a round in, pay half, be spontaneous with taxi fares etc.

It sucks a bit, I’d love to go out more, but I just can’t.

That’s life, you have to compromise a bit and there are no guarantees.

I’m always a bit confused about how men claim they end up getting done over for the bill? Just learn to manage yourself and be more assertive rather than whine.

I’ve probably done my share of paid half/not paid anything/ paid for everything and have no strong preference either way.

If it makes that much difference, then go somewhere like a bar or coffee shop and get one round in?

When you’ve finished drinks, if the woman doesn’t get up, then don’t get another and make your excuses . You’re only £3 down. And you’ve filtered out women who don’t pay.

Or am I missing something?

Or if you want to eat, then pick somewhere you can “pay as you order” like a bar, so you get seperate tabs.

I always suspect the men who complain are those who let the bill rack up because they “expect something in return” then sulk when she doesn’t “put out”.

Sounds like a horrible creepy waste of time for all concerned.

Buck3t · 25/01/2018 10:01

TeaFrowel
Hope that advice is for the women as well as men. Basically cut your cloth accordingly. Men don't have to dictate where to go with women having no say, so women can choose the 'pay as you go' bar if that's what they'd prefer. The problem here is that a fair substantial amount of women would prefer not to do that. Smacks of something that isn't described as equal imo.

1ndig0 · 25/01/2018 10:48

Pan - no I'm not teaching my sons to accept any "nonsense". I would hope they have good manners and integrity, that's all.

lottieandmia22 · 25/01/2018 11:54

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/27/dating-men-paying-bill-gender-equality

Interesting article on this topic ^^

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lottieandmia22 · 25/01/2018 13:39

I think what's interesting in the article is the guy who says that although the rule about the man paying is not 'fair' it's still a social norm and as such it is still used to judge whether a man has high dating value or not.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 25/01/2018 16:21

The article is based on a US perspective so not sure how relevant it is to the UK dating scene. What is interesting though are the BTL comments from both men and women that overwhelming support the idea of going Dutch on a first date.

lottieandmia22 · 25/01/2018 18:00

Why is it not relevant in the uk? Of course it is. Dating culture in the uk is pretty similar.

OP posts:
PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 25/01/2018 19:42

Well clearly not, the article implies that most US women still expect the man to pick up the tab, which is not the case in the UK as both this thread and the BTL comments from the article demonstrate. From the article the two European men interviewed also make it clear that their experiences of dating in the US are quite different from what they are used to back in France and Sweden where most women are happy to split the bill.

Pepperedbeef · 25/01/2018 20:07

It's the woman's role to show generosity too. But after the man

Lottie any credibility your views may have had has just dissipated with this nonsense comment. It sounds straight out of a 1950’s Good Housewife manual

1ndig0 · 25/01/2018 20:12

I don't think MN is representative of most women in the UK though.

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