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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

343 replies

worrieddottcom · 18/01/2018 19:42

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

OP posts:
southboundagain · 18/01/2018 21:36

Have you actually discussed this with him? Rather than a covert affair, what would his opinion be towards you having sex outside the marriage?

Rachie1973 · 18/01/2018 21:36

Falmer
It's mental cruelty, that's abuse isn't it?

No! It's not. Its not cruel to say 'NO' if you don't want sex. It would be cruel to say 'I'm not having sex with you because you're a worthless piece of shit', but not to not want sex.

Bloody hell, I'm astonished by some of the posts.

No means no. The reasons are irrelevant. Always.

Falmer · 18/01/2018 21:38

Good for OP having an emotional affair, it's probably the only thing that's kept her sane.

AaronPurrSir · 18/01/2018 21:42

There’s a big difference between saying “not tonight, love”, or having a low few months, and completely taking sex and affection off the table in a relationship to never be had again.

Humans need physical affection. Especially from partners. To withhold sex completely with absolutely no explanation and expect the OP to just suck it up and accept a life of celibacy is not abusive, but it is selfish.

I, for one, do not blame her for seeking validation and comfort elsewhere.

crunchermuncher · 18/01/2018 21:45

It sounds miserable OP Flowers

Someone upthread said you can file for divorce in the morning and be done in 3 months. I'm afraid it's not that quick in the UK!

You also cannot divorce a spouse because you have had an affair . They would have to divorce you.

It certainly sounds like unreasonable behaviour - leaving aside the sex issue specifically it sounds like there is no closeness, warmth, intimacy or shared life?

AthenaAshton · 18/01/2018 21:46

Have sent you a PM.

blackteasplease · 18/01/2018 21:47

It's not abuse as others have said. But if you are unhappy you are happy!

Olikingcharles · 18/01/2018 21:50

As someone who has been where you are now. I urge you to consider one thing very seriously do you love your husband? I mean really love him? I know other posters suggest you don't given that you have been engaging in an emotional affair...i don't agree entirely on that score. If you do love your husband and want your marriage to work with all that involves then you must talk to him and cut all contact with the other man now. If your husband finds out about the OM there will in all probability no going back. I came clean with my long term partner about my EA (something i'm not sure entirely i should've given the outcome). I should've talked to my partner who deserved better than my deceitful disgusting behaviour. We had been a lot in the four years prior to my EA myself suffering a near life ending illness ( which all our focus was on my survival). We lost each other in that time and i thought he no longer wanted or desired me in fact he didn't want to pressure me etc. Please, please talk to you husband if you want to stay in the marriage. The alternative will be crushing if you do still love him and he you. I've lost a wonderful man who loved me....struggling to just get through things. All my own doing though. Lastly if you don't love you husband do the decent thing and leave he deserve someone who loves him as do you.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/01/2018 21:51

Strongmummy No one is saying anything of the kind.

What we are saying is that if OP finds her marriage unsatisfactory, then she needs to either have a strong talk with her DH about changing it, or she needs to end the marriage. You don't look outside a marriage to solve a problem inside the marriage. Ever.

mummyfeo · 18/01/2018 21:53

You need to find out why sex is not happening. Does he not find you attractive anymore? Is he seeing someone else? Is he on any medication that could be causing a loss of arousal?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/01/2018 21:57

It's more likely that he just has a low sex drive isn't it?
Not that he doesn't fancy op, or that he has a medical problem; just a low sex drive like loads of people me

Wdigin2this · 18/01/2018 21:59

OFGoodness sake, just go outside the marriage, have sex...and get it over with!
Then....discuss the circumstances, and make your decision!

DistanceCall · 18/01/2018 21:59

Have discussed this with him? He doensn't owe you sex, but he does owe you an explanation of his feelings, so that you can decide how to act on that information. And he must see how much you suffer.

No, I wouldn't be able to be with a man who rejected me sexually, however much he claimed to love me. And three years is intolerable.

I would have divorced him by now. He can be a fabulous divorced parent.

Elledouble · 18/01/2018 21:59

You cannot divorce someone for irreconcilable differences in the UK. Arguably it should be an option, but if you want a “no fault” divorce you have to wait for two years’ separation.

Falmer · 18/01/2018 22:03

Rachie I used to be in a marriage like OP's. I suffered severe depression and finally a breakdown. My psychiatrist informed me that withholding hugs and kisses, intimacy, sex, conversation, etc, for a number of years was mental cruelty.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2018 22:05

Chipsandpeas, a woman can say no. A man can say no.

A woman can't say no for years without offering her husband an explanation. A man can't say no for years without offering his wife an explanation. A woman can't hole herself away in her office all evening every evening and sleep separately and not even hug her partner, for years, without offering an explanation. A man can't hole himself away in his office all evening every evening and sleep separately and not even hug his partner, for years, without offering an explanation.

Sex is an integral part of how men and women (and any other sex partners) affirm their love and appreciation and attraction to each other when they are in a relationship. If that part of the relationship is over, that has to be a mutual decision. The person who is not happy with the situation needs to be told what has happened and needs to be offered a choice as to how to proceed.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2018 22:08

That was me crunchermuncher.

Might have been three and a half months but I did it.

username7979 · 18/01/2018 22:09

what is he doing in the office, watching porn too?

EdgeKote · 18/01/2018 22:13

I feel you OP. I'm in the same boat - but I guess more severe.

I've never had vaginal sex. And I've been married for five years.

Even non-vaginal sex, I had it for maybe five times since we got married.

It's soul-crushing sometimes, especially during my period. I think I'm kinda used to it now.

BoneyBackJefferson · 18/01/2018 22:14

Its interesting that so many people still believe that being married gives them the right to have sex.

Sarahh2014 · 18/01/2018 22:16

I left my first marriage for this reason.End it.Nothing worse than being in a sexless marriage.When you get another partner who treats you with desire you'll feel so much more alive

Sallystyle · 18/01/2018 22:17

No means no. No explanation needed. To push is coercive. And sexual assault.

No means no, for sure.

However, if my husband was saying no every time I wanted sex and had been doing so for months/years then he better have a bloody explanation if he wants our marriage to survive. Pushing someone into sex is coercive and sexual assault, but expecting an explanation as to why there has been little to no sex for years isn't.

OP, I bet it is soul destroying and I am not going to judge you for your emotional affair. Of course you shouldn't have done it, but I understand how you could have ended up there. You need to end the emotional affair or leave your husband though. I know from my first marriage how incredibly lonely you can feel in a loveless marriage and I understand how vulnerable it makes you. It's not an excuse, but as you are human I am not going to judge you for it.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2018 22:17

It is indeed mental cruelty, Falmer.

Rachie
No! It's not. Its not cruel to say 'NO' if you don't want sex. It would be cruel to say 'I'm not having sex with you because you're a worthless piece of shit', but not to not want sex.

It is cruel exactly as it stands because this man has not offered any explanation of what is going on, and this situation has been going on for years. The withholding of even the minimum of affectionate gestures has been going on for years too. He has not even hugged the OP. He spends his evenings in his study. He sleeps in the spare room.

Some of you are very hung up on the idea that No means No. Of course it means no. Of course No must be respected.
The OP has not said whether she has initiated sex and received a No, or repeated No's, over the course of three years. She most certainly has not said she wants to force him to have sex.

Repeating No, or letting a situation develop where one partner gives up trying, for three years, and not even offering a hug, a cuddle, or even your physical presence beside her on the couch in the evening, is withholding affection, and it is cruel. The H should tell his wife what the problem is. Leaving her dangling is cruel too.

She is depressed and frustrated.
Maybe some of you think sex is a tiresome chore and you think she should be glad her H isn't pestering her nightly, maybe take up some hobby in all the happy spare time she has on her hands. I can think of no other reason for your complete inability to put yourselves in Worried's shoes.

jjune11 · 18/01/2018 22:18

It's not abusive, but it is neglectful. I think it's completely understandable you would grow close to someone else. Everyone wants to feel wanted and desired, and your DH isn't making any effort to make you feel like that. I honestly think if a spouse isn't prepared to be sexual within a marriage then there should be. No grounds for complaint if the other person meets their needs elsewhere. To be forced to live with no sex when you have a healthy sex drive is miserable and cruel. Marriage vows are a promise of monogamy, not chastity. Sorry OP, it's a tough situation you're in.

BishBoshBashBop · 18/01/2018 22:19

Some of you are very hung up on the idea that No means No. Of course it means no. Of course No must be respected.

Yet you didn't seem to hold that view in your now deleted first comment.

Perhaps if you had the thread wouldn't have derailed.

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