To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

[worrieddottcom]

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

Would we say that emotional neglect is a form of abuse in marriage?

I'm not interested in the lack of sex (lack in itself isn't abuse, but probably a symptom of the lack of emotional engagement)

Abuse can be emotional and neglect can also be a form of abuse. A marriage relationship should be one of closeness - of course, this varies from couple to couple, but a refusal to even be in the same room or to engage with the other person sounds like neglect to me.

Op doesn't sound as if it has been addressed and discussed. Perhaps the relationship has broken down and there is no communication to the point that the conversation is almost impossible.

If there is to be a future, never mind sex, the conversation will have to happen.

These breakdowns of emotional contact and intimacy can occur over a long period of gradual degeneration. Sometimes there is no intent in it at all. This may be the case with DH here and things have just drifted downwards so they are not even in a room together. If OP has discussed it and been clear that it isn't what she needs, then perhaps it is wilful neglect. However, if there has been no conversation, it probably is just gradual drift and drawing apart.

Go ahead and ignore the fact that this has been going on for years.
Makes no difference. No one can force someone to have sex. The end.

It does make a difference, BishBosh. Do everyone the favour of showing us where the OP has stated she wants to force her husband to have sex.

He has made a decision that affects them both without any explanation or consultation. The effect of his decision is misery on the part of his wife.

Worrieddot has not been asked if she is ok with that decision, or if she would prefer to draw a line under the marriage and become single again, with all that entails in terms of income, possible relocation, etc. She is effectively single now, but presumably doing domestic labour for the family that he is happy to take advantage of.

Time is moving on, divorce takes time, she may have considerations wrt retirement or a pension or investments or shoring up her financial position that she would like to see to. Her husband owes her a heads up, and the chance to make decisions for herself.

It concerns me that they have a teenage child and he may be stringing her along in silence in order to avoid paying child support and in order to drop the divorce bomb on her as soon as the child turns 18 so that it will be possible to sell the family home or boot her out of it and move someone else in. It's not like this has never happened before in the history of men jerking women around.

Witholding sex and physical affection within a marriage or longterm partnership can be abusive. Sometimes it's being done to punish or control a partner. Sometimes the sex-refusing partner has thoroughly unpleasant ideas about sex (that it is disgusting/sinful) and therefore lectures and humiliates the partner who would like a sexual relationship. Sometimes the sex-refusing partner is actually having a sex life outside the marriage, and chooses to blame the other partner (for having put on weight, for instance, or for being 'bad at sex').

Certainly anyone who refuses to have sex and refuses to discuss the matter has lost the right to expect monogamy from the other partner.

OP have you discussed it with him? Does he say he's too tired or basically fob you off, or make promises to try harder yet do nothing?

It's certainly grounds for divorce if you are unhappy. He doesn't get to decide for you that you can't have sex ever again.

It is not abusive no.

I didn't realise a solid reason had to be given for divorce.

I am sure your affair would be reason enough..either way

And I too want to offer condolences to the Op for her situation.

It sounds like he has disengaged, but TBH it sounds like OP has too now and is looking for emotional if not physical intimacy elsewhere. Perhaps the end has come. If this is the case, perhaps Op is looking for someone to blame.......and it's difficult with this kind of thing, because yes DH hasn't shown an interest in sex, but he may well feel OP has disengaged with him too. In fact it could be that they have both drifted apart over time. It happens. It is sad and will be sad i the marriage ends. If there are irreconcilable differences, it helps to see that and not look to place the blame fully on the other party.

Best of luck in deciding what to do and moving forward and to having a fulfilling relationship with DH or someone else in future.

It's not abuse or anything like. No one's obliged to have sex with anyone at any time if they don't feel like it. If you don't like it you are of course able to leave the relationship.
I wouldn't personally want to cite lack of sex in legal papers, but I suppose you could if you wanted to. As I understand it, "unreasonable behaviour" is a fairly flexible definition, if you feel it's unreasonable it probably is. You could use other aspects for "unreasonable behaviour" (lack of communication etc), or just separate and wait the requisite time to get a no fault divorce. Or if you don't actually want to get divorced you could suggest some councilling and see if you can get closer again. Maybe if you tell him you're thinking about separation it might be a wake up call.

OP, whatever it is (not abuse) it’s not a good marriage and you deserve to try to be happy outside of it. End it for both your sakes.

the hurt and sadness you feel is abusive Yes, I agree with this. It gradually causes you to feel completely demoralised, knocks your confidence, can end in severe depression and nervous breakdown. Get out of it op, you will feel so much better. Don't be ashamed of having had an emotional affair due to being desired by another man. I've been there OP and only after we separated, I found out exh was gay. The feeling of slowly dying inside is awful and I don't think others can understand, to be a young woman constantly rejected. Just ask any psych and they will tell how important sex is and how damaging if one partner is completely not interested. I understand how frightened you are but please don't continue like this, you say you are depressed already. It gets worse. Go to counselling, even if you do decide to split you can continue counslling to help with that too. That's what we did. I feel for you OP, good luck

It sounds miserable op. I hope I would have left at the end of 2015.
Make it your goal for this year to get out of this sad relationship.

Argh counselling. Blank moment, can't even blame the spell checker.

Is it harsh to say I think he's just not that into you?

Yes - it is callous. I have sympathy for you too op, consigning someone to a lifetime of celibacy is not fair and will destroy self-esteem. Comments like the above, or ones cheerfully exclaiming he 'just doesn't fancy you' are unkind and unfair.

My all means leave him if you want to, many would in this situation, but of course it's not abuse.

AnnelovesGilbert

I'm not polly, but 'irreconcilable differences' is the only grounds needed for divorce in 'no fault' states in the US. Maybe that's what she was referring to.

But I'd think the UKs 'unreasonable behaviour' would be met in the OP's case.

I agree that it's not acceptable within a marriage to decide not to have sex and to refuse to have any discussion about it.

People are always free to say they don't want sex at an immediate point, or in the medium term or even ever. However, in a marriage it would be usual and reasonable to expect to be given that information and the reasons why.

And someone who wants to withhold sex into the long term is free to do so, but also needs to know that in many cases that will lead to the end of the marriage, because marriage is a sexual relationship. This doesn't mean DH has to have sex - he is free to choose, but he needs to acknowledge that a full marriage relationship is usually sexual and OP might leave him if that aspect ceases - in the same way that someone might leave their spouse if they felt they had stopped loving them - an essential ingredient of marriage was no longer lresent. Most people are happy to accept these things might be absent for a while in marriage, but most won't live with it into the long term and with no explanation. Not abuse in my view (although the he lack of communication is very unpleasant behaviour) but the end of the marriage in all liklihood.

From reading Mumsnet, there are so many men out there who don't want a sexual relationship. And at least an equal amount of women. If only there was a place where they could get together!

It sounds horrendous. Lonely and sad. To be married to someone who chooses to sleep and spend their evenings elsewhere and not be prepared to show any physical affection, let alone have sex, must be heartbreaking.

OP you must discuss this with him. You need to know if this is irretrievable or not. Assuming you want to make a go of it. Nobody could blame you if you don't.

Not abuse.

But you may have cause for divorce for unreasonable behaviour.

If my husband didn't want sex with me, I would be very upset and worried, and think it would signify a huge issue in our marriage.

its not abuse.

what reasons can /must be given for divorce?

I'd say that the reasons you have given are good enough reasons for a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour - when I divorced my ExH a solicitor told me unreasonable behaviour can be anything from not making a bed, not putting the top on toothpaste, or not wiping a kitchen side down - ie ANYTHING that you yourself find an issue. An a divorce for unreasonable behaviour doesn't have a waiting period (or it didn't 12 years ago)

Unreasonable behaviour,refusing sex or discussion about it,no affection or emotional engagement,avoidance of normal family life.And this has to be affecting your child,the atmosphere must be chilling.
My OH did this amongst other things he escalated to make me end the relationship , therefore it was my fault etc.I filled for divorce.
Sorry you. Are going through this OP.It is hard to be made to feel rejected,unattractive and unlovable.People criticizing your emotional affair have concept of what it feels like in a loveless marriage.
I stuck it out for over 10 years.I am now out and feel so much less lonely and unworthy than I did iny marriage.
Good luck whatever you decide.

A number of posters on here obviously haven’t been in the desperate situation of loving someone and getting nothing in return. It’s heartbreaking and can lead to serious depression. I find it sad that there are so many judgemental people on here. It’s also sad how some people think it’s fine to withhold a basic need (the need for intimacy) and expect the other person not to go searching for it elsewhere. Op, an emotional affair isn’t right, but totally understandable in your situation so please don’t feel too much guilt.

It's mental cruelty, that's abuse isn't it?

The op is having an affair and has been for at least a year. I wouldn’t call that desperately loving someone.

I have experienced an abusive marriage, Gilbert, Blue, Bish, etc.

As have I.

No still means no.

Depends on how you define an affair. It isn't one if there's no sex involved in my book.