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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

343 replies

worrieddottcom · 18/01/2018 19:42

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

OP posts:
BishBoshBashBop · 18/01/2018 19:55

His behaviour is not deliberate abuse, but the hurt and sadness you feel is abusive

No it really really isn't abuse.

PurpleRobe · 18/01/2018 19:55

Do you love him?

DriggleDraggle · 18/01/2018 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2018 19:58

No, of course it’s not. Can you imagine the responses if a man said he was planning to divorce his wife citing her abuse in the form of her lack of libido? Oh, and that he was having an affair and it was her fault?

OP, you can leave him anytime for any reason. File for divorce in the morning if you like. You’ll be free and can pursue any and all other relationships you like in about 3 months.

EggsonHeads · 18/01/2018 19:59

Do you think him not having sex that he doesn't want is abusive? Do you think this because he is a man? Reverse the situation. If you are not happy with the celibacy you need to talk about it and come up with a solution that works for both of you (whether it is divorce or an open marriage) instead of blaming it all on him and just leaving him without at least giving him fair warning.

Bluedoglead · 18/01/2018 20:00

Why would you think it’s abusive? I mean, I had zero sex drive at the end of my marriage because I didn’t fancy my then husband but that didn’t make me abusive.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 18/01/2018 20:01

His behaviour is not deliberate abuse, but the hurt and sadness you feel is abusive

Do people really believe that crap? That if somebody doesn't behave how you'd like them to, it's abuse?

How depressing.

TrinitySquirrel · 18/01/2018 20:07

Go in to his room, ask him to turn his games and whatever bullshit off.

Tell him bluntly that if he does not care enough about the lack of sex in the marriage to try and fix it, that you will be filing for divorce first thing Monday and will be going on a date Monday evening.

wheresthel1ght · 18/01/2018 20:07

Are you for real?

If a bloke posted this he would be crucified and rightly so.

You refusing to accept he doesn't want sex and forcing the issue is abuse towards him.

My dp and I haven't successfully dtd since we had dd 4 years ago. I had a lot of swelling and it was fucking horrific. I then a had a coil fitted which meant every time he thrust (sorry tmi) it felt like someone was trying to spear me. Coil now. Removed but working on opposite shifts means we don't get much time when we are are both home, awake and in the mood.

Trying to minimise your cheating on him by claiming he is abusive is pathetic and highly insulting to every poor person in an actually abusive relationship.

ArchchancellorsHat · 18/01/2018 20:08

It's not abuse and it doesn't seem like he's doing it to manipulate (which could be a form of abuse) - he just doesn't want to, or can't have sex with you. You don't have to stay if you're not happy. Is it worth ahving a conversation with him about it or do you feel it's broken down irretrievably? How do you think he would react if you told him you wanted to break up?

cantucciniamaretto · 18/01/2018 20:09

If a bloke posted this he would be crucified and rightly so

No he wouldn't. I'd feel terribly sorry for him, same as I do for OP. Who wouldn't?

CharizMa · 18/01/2018 20:09

it's not abuse but you shouldn't feel guilty about ending the marriage.

I bet he just had sex with you juuuuust often enough to stop you serving him with divorce papers.

peachgreen · 18/01/2018 20:09

It's not abusive but it's perfectly acceptable grounds to end a marriage. I'm sorry OP, it's a horrible situation to be in.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 18/01/2018 20:10

Tell him bluntly that if he does not care enough about the lack of sex in the marriage to try and fix it, that you will be filing for divorce first thing Monday and will be going on a date Monday evening.

Before or after she tells him about her affair?

Thesmallthings · 18/01/2018 20:10

With holding sex/affection can be abuse... if it's beging with held to teach a lesson to punish you.

But with out other information it's hard to say.

He can't love you if he hasn't doesn't at least listen to your wishes needs.. hiw can you go through a year with only a couple of hugs.. the most basic way to show affection?

Liara · 18/01/2018 20:10

Have you talked to him about it? Have you asked him if he's OK if you look for sex outside the relationship?

It's not abuse (at all) but it is grounds for divorce if it's making you unhappy.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 18/01/2018 20:12

Of course it's not abuse. Stop trying to make excuses for your affair and tell him the truth in that you broke your marriage vows.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2018 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cherryontopp · 18/01/2018 20:16

You are obviously feeling very down, frustrated and insulted.

As other posters have said, its not neccesarily abuse although it can clearly affect your mental health, which is why you could feel like its abuse.
Its making you feel depressed, and it would me.

It doesnt matter how great of a father he is, he's not a great husband.

Tell him, its either counselling or divorce before your vagina combusts.

BishBoshBashBop · 18/01/2018 20:16

It is certainly abuse if she has tried to initiate sex and has been turned down with no explanation or alternative offered to intercourse.

Wow so saying no is now abusive.

Try saying that and reversing the sexes. Forcing a woman to have sex against her will is rape. No means no! No explanation required!

Bluedoglead · 18/01/2018 20:17

So when I was in the throes of working up to splitting from my ex and I

Sat in another room in the evening

Slept on the sofa

Reject his sexual advances

Refused to discuss with him because we were talked out and I was getting my ducks in a row

I was abusive?

I despair of this place at times I really do.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2018 20:17

I am really gobsmacked at the tone and content of many posts here.

It's clear very few of you have much knowledge of abuse.

BishBoshBashBop · 18/01/2018 20:19

It's clear very few of you have much knowledge of abuse.

Wrong.

Also very very good lnowledge of sexual abuse.

Bluedoglead · 18/01/2018 20:19

And just to highlight what math said here

It is certainly abuse if she has tried to initiate sex and has been turned down with no explanation or alternative offered to intercourse.

No means no. No explanation needed. To push is coercive. And sexual assault.

That is very rapey right there, and I’m astounded and disgusted that because he’s a man he’s not allowed to say no. And just no.

tolerable · 18/01/2018 20:20

have you missed out relevant details op?...like have you approached him regarding this?

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