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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

343 replies

worrieddottcom · 18/01/2018 19:42

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

OP posts:
DreamingMyDreams · 18/01/2018 20:20

Is he taking any meds? Maybe that's a side effect.

hazell42 · 18/01/2018 20:21

I understand exactly how you are feeling. It makes you feel horrible. I think that there are three possibilities:

  1. he has a medical condition that needs examining
  2. he is falling out of love with you and doesn't want to admit it
  3. he is having sex with someone else - (female. Or possibly male. Have you ever had an idea he might be gay?) You need to talk to him. It's not fair on you. Or him either
BishBoshBashBop · 18/01/2018 20:22

@mathanxiety I'm astonished that you think its ok to say if someone says no to sex when someone is trying to initiate it, is abusive.

ChocolateWombat · 18/01/2018 20:25

This isn't abuse.

However, marriages are sexual relationships. It is quite common for people to go for periods without sex when one person doesn't want it or has lost interest. Long term refusal to have sex isn't abuse but it means a key feature of marriage is missing and for many would be a key reason for ending the marriage if both parties were not happy with a sexless marriage.

Sex may not be a right - no-one can ever demand or insist on it. However, to refuse to ever have sex within a marriage is unusual if both parties haven't agreed and not the sign of a healthy marriage.

So OP, I think abuse isn't the right word, but to those suggesting OP has nothing to complain about, I think she does, because a marriage relationship is a sexual one - it is a key feature that marks it out as different to just a friendship. For most people this would be unsatisfactory and could certainly be grounds for divorce.

OP - have you spoken about this with DH and made clear that you are missing the sexual side? It sounds like general closeness and intimacy isn't there either. Perhaps there is scope to work on these first - but you have to brave it and have the discussion, even if it's not easy. If he isn't willing to engage in discussion, I think this adds to the problem.

Bluedoglead · 18/01/2018 20:25

So when I say no if my partner tried to shag tonight and I’m tired, I’m supposed to offer him a hand job or a blow Job or else I’m abusive?

I can say nope don’t feel like it. Or just no. Naw. Nope. No thanks. Sod off. Get tae fuck. Leave me the fuck alone. And any variation of the above. And it is not abusive. At all.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2018 20:25

BishBosh, it is abusive if it has gone on for years with no explanation and not even a hug. The man sits in his office every night and they don't talk. An explanation is required if it has gone on for years, as it has here.
Does he even like her? She needs to know where she stands.

Bluedog If he is working up to splitting from her, maybe talking to her about his plans would be courteous. It's something she might like to know about. It's something she needs to know about. Maybe she would like to be given the chance to go to relationship counselling before the axe drops? Maybe she would even like to expedite the splitting up process?

You can't conduct a relationship by leaving your partner completely in the dark as to what is going on. Whether you won't have sex or close physical contact with her, or even sit in the same room in the evenings, or are busy making plans to leave, you owe your partner an explanation of what is going on. When you tell the partner what is going on then you give them what you owe them - that is, the chance to make decisions of their own.

It is abusive to leave someone completely in the dark and expect them to put up with something you have decided without consultation. It is arrogant and selfish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2018 20:26

Some of us have been where OP is right now towards the end of bad marriages where sex was off the table for various reasons. Some of us also experienced actual abuse and can tell the fucking difference.

I’m ashamed of everyone on here making excuses for her for being unfaithful to her husband and bullshitting her to make her feel better. What is going on here tonight?!

And no, of course it’s not a competition about who has the worst ex, had the worst marriage. But some of these posts are disgraceful. It’s very clear that if OP wants out she can leave. When she fesses up about her fancy man I doubt he’ll beg her to stay.

But some posters are suggesting she blackmails her husband into having sex. Now that is abuse. For fucks sake.

Lanaorana2 · 18/01/2018 20:27

Of course it's not abuse, but of course it's solid grounds for divorce. In law 'unreasonable behaviour'.

Get out, neither of you love each other and you're both young.

Bluedoglead · 18/01/2018 20:28

Yeah math. Maybe she should start by telling her husband about that actual affair she’s been having, huh?

quizqueen · 18/01/2018 20:28

Aside from the lack of sex, the both of you don't even seem to want to be in the same room in each others' company. He can still be a good dad if you agree to separate.
Have you asked him if he is gay or whether he just doesn't want sex at all or, at least, not with you? The conversation has to start or nothing will be resolved.

Bluedoglead · 18/01/2018 20:29

The husband has been put to the other room for snoring since the same time as the emotional affair began.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2018 20:30

Bish and Bluedog,
Hmm Go ahead and ignore the fact that this has been going on for years.

This is not an occasional 'not tonight dear'. The man is making it clear he wants nothing whatsoever to do with her, physically or sexually. He has offered no explanation. He owes Worrieddot an explanation.

One partner cannot unilaterally decide that sex will no longer be a part of the relationship without a frank and full explanation offered to the other partner. Nobody can move the goalposts like that.

Bluedoglead · 18/01/2018 20:31

Yeah. I agree math. And the op should start that conversation with the fact that she shipped her DH out to the spare room at the same time as she started her affair.

pollythedolly · 18/01/2018 20:31

It is not abuse but it is grounds for divorce.

Irreconcilable differences.

Stitchit · 18/01/2018 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BishBoshBashBop · 18/01/2018 20:32

Go ahead and ignore the fact that this has been going on for years.

Makes no difference. No one can force someone to have sex. The end.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/01/2018 20:32

No, I don't believe it's abusive in and of itself. There are many reasons why one partner might no longer be interested in sex. I think it's cruel of the person to stay in a marriage when that happens unless both partners want to keep the marriage together on a 'no sex' basis.

Taunting you about it, offering then withholding it, or using the promise of it to control you is abusive. But it doesn't sound as if that's the case.

As far as your statement about 'honouring your vows', IMO you still need to honour the vow 'keep thee only unto him' for as long as you are married unless he actually releases you from that part of your vows. Is that a discussion you feel you can have with him? If he won't release you and you can't live without sex, then you need to end the marriage.

Have you ever really talked to him about this? And I mean a 'down and dirty' no holds barred conversation? Because there's either a physical reason or there's an emotional reason. A person doesn't just lose interest in sex for no reason.

Could he be gay? Could he have fallen in love with someone else?

greendale17 · 18/01/2018 20:33

I’m ashamed of everyone on here making excuses for her for being unfaithful to her husband and bullshitting her to make her feel better. What is going on here tonight?!

^Completley agree

Hullygully · 18/01/2018 20:34

It's obviously not abuse.

It's his choices for his life but they impact on you and make your life miserable.

So you have to choose what you want to do to change your miserable life. Probably leaving him, I imagine.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2018 20:36

pollythedolly

No such thing assuming OP is in the UK.

Is “irreconcilable differences” the equivalent to “common law spouse” that’s such a favourite misconception on here?

ChocolateWombat · 18/01/2018 20:37

It isn't abuse. However, we should recognise the difference between saying 'no' to sex on occasions when we don't feel like it and never being willing to have sex or intimacy over a very long extended period of time. Again, the latter is not abuse - but it is a refusal to engage fully in a marriage relationship and means the marriage isn't satisfactory for OP who wants a full married relationship.

If someone got married, never having had sex previously with DH and then after the marriage, one refused to have sex, we wouldn't say it was abusive, but simply the marriage wasn't consummated or fulfilled. It wouldn't be a proper marriage. The Ops situation isn't the same thing, but voluntary involvement in sex remains a key part of a married relationship unless both parties agree it won't.

Op can't and mustn't force DH to have sex. She's not talking about that. She wants him to want to have sex and to be willing to do it. But he's not willing - so he's not abusing her, but he is refusing to engage in a key aspect of marriage - that is his choice and prerogative, but it does mean the marriage relationship isn't complete.

I think the OP is getting a hard time on here. She asked IF what was happening was abuse. She didn't say it was abuse. Everyone is entitled to ask a question. She clearly had a sense that all is not well and she's right. She is groping around the pin down the exact nature of the problem and looking for words to describe it. I'm sure she now understands abuse wasn't the right word....however, the unsatisfactory nature of her relationship does need to be recognised and acknowledged and she needs a way forward. She isn't interested in forcing her DH to have sex or in abusing him.

I think she needs to talk to him. I think she needs to decide if she can live with a sexless marriage - and I don't think anyone should have to long term,mid they don't want to - and she needs to decide if she will leave him or stay.

We shouldn't pretend that a sexless marriage is perfectly normal and acceptable into the long term if one party isn't happy. It doesn't make the situation abusive but it does make it unsatisfactory and possibly untenable into the longer term.

mathanxiety · 18/01/2018 20:39

I have experienced an abusive marriage, Gilbert, Blue, Bish, etc.

I have been hit, strangled, and called names, I have been raged at, and I have experienced financial abuse too. I have experienced the separate bedrooms and no sex thing even in the same bedroom. In my case my exH turned out to have an entirely separate sex life going on.

She is being treated as if she is an androgynous being, which is soul destroying. He is arrogantly not offering an explanation of his choice of separate rooms, beds, no physical touch, and no sex.

Bluedog, presumably the cold that made him snore a year ago has now cleared up, yet he has chosen to remain in the other bedroom. He has not been 'put to the other room'. Hmm

Bluedoglead · 18/01/2018 20:40

She’s not investing emotionally in her marriage. She has checked out already

Appraiser · 18/01/2018 20:42

Is it harsh to say I think he's just not that into you?

Time to make some decisions.

What you have isn't a marriage, it is a barely even a relationship if you lead separate lives both in the bedroom and if he's playing computer games all night.

Sorry you're going through this

chipsandpeas · 18/01/2018 20:45

wow for all you sayin it is a form of abuse would you be saying the same to a woman who doesnt want sex with her DH/DP

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