To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

[worrieddottcom]

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

Abuse can be emotional and neglect can also be a form of abuse. A marriage relationship should be one of closeness - of course, this varies from couple to couple, but a refusal to even be in the same room or to engage with the other person sounds like neglect to me.

Yep.

mathanxiety

Some people do think that sex is a "chore" and they have it at the insistence of their partner or even initiate because they believe that they have to.

What the OP is going through isn't abuse, it is an unhappy marriage.

BoneyBackJefferson Thu 18-Jan-18 22:14:38
Its interesting that so many people still believe that being married gives them the right to have sex.

Not so fast.

Being in a marriage entitles you to be treated with complete respect by your partner. This means not moving any of the goalposts without consultation. It means not doing something that has a huge impact on your partner without telling the partner, and offering him or her an alternative.

For instance,

• don't put the family home up for sale without first running it past your spouse
• don't blow the family savings on Bitcoin without first running it past your spouse
• don't resign from your job and halve your family income without running it past your spouse
• don't decide you and your spouse are no longer going to have sex without running it past him or her and giving him or her the option of an open relationship, a divorce, or continuing to be married but without the pain of not knowing.

Treating your spouse with respect entails giving your spouse the information he or she needs to make decisions about his or her future. If this man has decided he will no longer have sex with Worried, then she needs to be told that, and thus given the power to choose among her options. Only a coward would string someone along, taking advantage of her cooking and other domestic labour in the meantime.

Of course, it can be equally abusive to continually pester a partner for sex (and often, relentless pressure for sex is what's putting the partner off in the first place.) It doesn't sound like that's the case here.
TBH, like most things, this is gendered. Usually, women get fed up of sex in long term relationships and start wanting to avoid it as much as possible because their male partners have grown progressively more selfish on the subject. The men who do nothing by way of domestic work or childcare, expect their wives to keep on top of all that stuff and open their legs on command have basically turned sex into another chore she's supposed to perform for his benefit (and these selfish men are bad at sex too - they don't care if their partners are enjoying it or just enduring it, as long as they can get their dicks wet.) Men who are constantly refused often nag and moan and become aggressive or sulky until the woman gives in.
Women who are rejected by their partners are more likely to blame themselves and make efforts to tempt the partner rather than demands that the partner pays them attention. They starve themselves, buy expensive clothes, stroke his ego as much as they can...

Couples can manage without sex for a long time (if eg one is unwell, or there is a new baby) as long as there is mutual respect, kindness and communication. Someone who is content to ignore your distress for years is not a loving partner.

Being married does give you the right to have sex. That's why it features in the marriage vows. And why non consummation is grounds for an annulment.

Ok, so it isn't abuse. But it is neglect.

Not having sex with her with no explanation, no hugging, not being in the same room as her, not caring about how she feels is neglect.

Its interesting that so many people still believe that being married gives them the right to have sex.

Who believes that? No one has said they have a right to sex. People have said that not having sex for years with no explanation or attempt to fix it, or leaving the person hanging is shitty behaviour.

I don't have a right to have sex with my husband, but if he decides he doesn't want sex with me I do have the right to know why that is if he wants to continue to be married to me.

mathanxiety

Respect is a two way street, and this expectation of sex bends a line in a very unpleasant way.

Neither "adult" is this situation is being particularly respectful, neither is addressing/talking about their or the other person's needs.

Neither seems particularly interested in keeping the relationship going.

And it seems to me that there is rejection on both sides.

Hardly treating your spouse with respect to have an emotional affair rather than talking to them about what the problem is. OP has given so little information and yet so many are desperate to say it's all his fault. It could be medication, it could be depression but no its mental fucking abuse and disrespectful but good on her for having an affair.

You've had 5% of a story and you're jumping to judge a stranger as cruel, disrespectful and abusive. I'm sure I've seen some of the more vocal posters here that are judging hard on other threads talking about how we mustn't judge the mother smacking her child as it's just a snapshot but you're all doing that here.

Bluelady

The law states that you do not have the right to sex in marriage, or do you want to repeal the rape in marriage laws?

I don't think hes honouring the vows he made either.

I remember your earlier posts.

If he won't discuss, separate. Life is just too short.

You think your teen can't see all this? He can. I think a really great father would be talking to you. Even just to say why he doesn't want see again.

See a lawyer.

U2HasTheEdge

You don't have the right to be told why, you have the right to leave if the marriage isn't as you want it to be.

People have said that not having sex for years with no explanation or attempt to fix it, or leaving the person hanging is shitty behaviour.

But you don't know if he's explained why, or if either person has tried to fix it! All you know is OP is unsatisfied with their sex life, he sleeps in another room after being kicked out of the bed, he doesn't spend evening time with the OP and OP is having an emotional affairs. I swear if jumping to conclusions was an Olympic sport they'd be recruiting the competitors from MN!

Hardly treating your spouse with respect to have an emotional affair rather than talking to them about what the problem is.

How do you know she hasn't?

Good for OP having an emotional affair, it's probably the only thing that's kept her sane.

What the fuck? Good on her for having an affair?

Why not split up with him, if she is not getting what she needs from the marriage? Why is it good to have an affair instead of taking this option?

You don't have the right to be told why, you have the right to leave if the marriage isn't as you want it to be.

I am pretty sure that if I posted that I didn't want sex with my husband anymore and I planned to never tell him why I would be branded a complete arsehole.

So technically I guess you are right, but in reality withholding sex from your partner and not telling them why would be a massive mind fuck.

he sleeps in another room after being kicked out of the bed

Who is making things up now? OP said he has chosen to sleep in another room. It started when he had a cold, but according to the OP that was his choice. Where does she say she kicked him out of the bed?

Also I agree with Math that it's not uncommon for a man to want to keep his wife in the home, cooking and cleaning for him, while not showing any sexual interest in her, or giving her any companionship or affection.

How do you know she hasn't?

How do you know he hasn't spoken to her about why he doesn't want to have sex?

You cannot divorce someone for irreconcilable differences in the UK. Arguably it should be an option, but if you want a “no fault” divorce you have to wait for two years’ separation.
I was under he impression that you could divorce at any time, for any reason.

These are probably things I should have checked on before getting married

Not that I currently want a divorce mind, but I still didn't know that there had to be a reason given other than 'we have split up'

U2HasTheEdge

The second quote isn't mine.

you are assuming that they still talk to each other and that he has "planned" this. Situations like this often develop for various reasons some of the reasons are for the biased reasons that you have posted.

Can't imagine for a minute the OP will be back....

I also think good on her for having an affair. Affairs are often the best thing to do when your partner is making you miserable - the affair gives you the motivation to get out of the shit relationship. Often, someone who's been mistreated (abused, controlled, or ignored) for a long time has so little self-esteem that the person feels they can't leave: no one would want them; they are trapped in the ghastly marriage and it must be their own fault because if they were a better person their partner would be nicer to them. When someone else shows up who makes it clear to the unhappy partner that they are desirable, are a likeable, lovable person, that gives them back some strength.

How do you know he hasn't spoken to her about why he doesn't want to have sex?

That's kind of the point. You came on to say that we are quick to judge this man when we know hardly any of the story. Yet you decided she kicked him out of the bed and that she had an affair without discussing her problems with him.

The jumping to conclusions works both ways, you're doing it too.

Elledouble
You cannot divorce someone for irreconcilable differences in the UK.

This would come under behaviour for a 'quick' divorce.

"Yet you decided she kicked him out of the bed and that she had an affair without discussing her problems with him."

Yep, my bad on the first part I picked that up reading the thread after checking OP I'm wrong on that one but I never said she had an affair without discussing the problems. "All you know is OP is unsatisfied with their sex life, he sleeps in another room after being kicked out of the bed, he doesn't spend evening time with the OP and OP is having an emotional affair" No mention of her not discussing with him just the actual facts we've been told except the kicked out of bed one which I've admitted I was wrong about. Perhaps now you would like to admit that jumping to various conclusions and then down the throat of anyone who disagrees was a mistake too?

Anyway OP. If you are still reading this I wish you luck. It doesn't look like things are going to change for you after all this time does it? I don't really see what options you have.

Keeping with your husband and being miserable whilst having an emotional affair is absolutely no way to live.