To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

[worrieddottcom]

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

Of course it's abuse. If he knows it's making you feel bad and he keeps doing it it is abuse. You must feel totally empty and I for one don't blame you for your emotional affair.

You're a long time dead OP and sex is a fabulous activity that reaches us on an emotional level and fulfils that longing for connection in us as well as the physical release. It is a normal and healthy activity between two consenting adults and for one of those adults to just decide that it is no longer going to happen in a relationship without taking into account the feelings of the other party is totally and utterly wrong. It's hurtful, inconsiderate and selfish.

Are you ever physically affectionate in front of your son? Is he being taught that kissing, holding hands and socially appropriate displays of affection are normal in a happy, healthy relationship.

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How horrid that you're trying to accuse him of abuse. I think your actions are quite emotionally abusive if I'm honest. Who the heck keeps a tally and posts it on mums net of their partners sexual habits.

ScorpioMama, you can start your own thread if you want to talk about your relationship. This one is very old so people will get pissed off reading so many old posts when the OP has probably moved on.

It's not abuse and I feel quite sorry for him in that you are trying to use horrid and powerful terms like that around him. It feels as if you want to blame him and use that as an excuse to leave. He isn't obligated to sleep with you, no one is if they don't feel comfortable. Equally, you are not forced to stay in a sexless marriage, if it isn't what you want.

If you are unhappy, talk to him and if that resolves nothing and you really can't bear it, leave. But own your decisions, don't try to pin the blame on him.

Op is NOT the bad guy
Who wants to be married to someone who won't have sex with you? Might as well be a flatmate.
Go and find happiness op.

I find it strange that this has been going on since 1999, and yet the only reason we know of for the lack of sex is "Maybe pain from a hernia".

I mean, what kind of conversations have happened around this topic? Surely you have to have had a more serious, in depth, practical conversation about this?

What a great post By Ed's Diner.

You have every right to feel more loved and wanted but it’s to leave rather than say it’s abusive.

Yes it must be absolutely soul destroying but you don’t need a bigger reason to leave.

Although therapy sounds like the right way to go if you want to give it a last shot.

As for pp saying she’s waiting for the dh to want her, that sounds like fairy tale stuff. Especially as he hardly sounds present. It will require some thing more than waiting for it.

Oh it’s old???

It isn’t abuse; but it’s a reason to end your relationship. You aren’t happy or getting what you need. If you can’t find a compromise you and your husband can both live with it’s ok to recognise that you need things this relationship isn’t giving you.

Not abuse. No one has the right to have sex with someone else. Imagine if a man said a woman was abusing him because she didn't have sex with him!

It does sound like the intimate side of your marriage is over. If you still get on relatively well separate and wait for a two year no blame divorce.

Just to re-iterate - this post is from January!! Hope the OP has got herself sorted by now...

It’s not abuse. If it was a man posting about their wife not giving them sex the replies would probably be different.

You don’t need it to be abuse to leave him, nothings stopping you from walking away from this sexless marriage? Your not happy, you want sex, give him a altamatum, he either seeks help for his low sex drive or you are leaving.

It isn’t abuse but I would and have ended a relationship over it.

Missed the zombie, sorry

Yes, I think it's abuse. It's certainly grounds to split up. It really depends on what you want, though. Can't you get him talking? I can't imagine bring happy in a relationship with no physical contact.

I've looked at other posts, and I can see where they are coming from. But I think intolerable behaviour, and the other things mentioned count as mental abuse.

If you haven't had "sex" in your "affair", as you call it, then it seems to me that all you are getting is a bit of emotional support and advice. It's cathartic to talk about problems. That's why people see therapists. Certainly not adultery.