AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

[northernnelli]

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

Why no more responses? You did ask.

OP

I don't think you are being entirely fair. You're right in the sense that your ex should contribute to the cost of bringing up a child and you certainly shouldn't be grateful that he is doing what should be mandatory. However, you are not being reasonable re the amount of money you are expecting. Some of these costs arise purely out of your choices, so I'm afraid you'll have to pay for them (living in a house where the rent is £1500 for instance).

The thing is, if his income goes down there is nothing you can do to try and enforce he pays the same in perpetuity. It doesn't work like that- your ex will contribute a proportion of his wages so if it goes up, then you'll get more and if it goes down you'll get less.

It does sound to me like you need to be realistic. Your ex is only responsible for 50% of the cost of rearing your son. He is not liable for 50% of your rent, 50% of your household bills etc. You remarried and that also alters what your ex has to pay as there is another household income to be taken into account.

I understand you don't want to have to move, and finding work during school hours is not easy, but these are still decisions you've made and ones you will have to fund.

And then if I lose DLA and I'm paying specialist childcare and ex is still only paying CMS and has a bad year and CM goes down considerably we will be in a really bad state. So even more reason why I think this should be enforced now so it doesn't have to come up again in the future.

How do you expect him to (hypothetically) pay with something he doesn't have when you can't cover costs with what you do have?

Don’t worry, the op will get this removed soon for “privacy reasons” aka she didn’t get she responses she wanted, clearly wanted an ex DH bashing session

OK, OP. Clearly you think we are all not sympathetic to your situation.

I think most posters on this thread would agree that no one likes losing money or income. But everyone needs to deal with it. That's all the majority of advice and responses are trying to point out.

Good luck with the court enforcing.

Thank you very much everyone for you points which I will take into consideration, but I think this thread has reached its end. Clearly Court is going to be a waste of time so thank you for saving that money and effort for me.

A friend of mine who's ds has sn, said he costs her far far less than her nt ds. Daily out of school activities for nt ds, whereas ds with sn doesn't want to do anything. I'm sure it isn't always the case that a Child with SN costs more, though I'm sure it sometimes does.

But if his income varies of course the amount he can pay will vary. If you were still together your son would feel the impact of less money coming in to the household.

OP - court won't be "a waste of time". You won't even get there. The court will not have any jurisdiction to hear an application by you about child maintenance (unless ex earns over the CMS maximum, which clearly he doesn't).
The best you can do is speak to your ex and see if he will meet you part way.
If he won't and you are stuck with CMS, if his income fluctuates you won't be stuck with the same amount forever, you can ask them to reassess.
Why does his income fluctuate? Is he self-employed? This may give you an "in" to appeal the CMS calculation (but this is a complex process understanding all the CMS rules and regulations and you'd no doubt have to pay a lawyer, which would make it counter-productive).

Op sorry if the responses you are getting aren't what you were expecting.
Perhaps now your seeing how u reasonable you are coming across as?
Your exdh still has a right to have some disposable income.
When you separated it didn't mean he was responsible for keeping YOU.
He is responsible for sharing the cost of his child which as far as we can all see he is actually doing and quite rightly he's asking for a re assessment due to his income changing. What's wrong with that?
Your expecting him to keep paying a higher amount even though your the parent that has remarried therefore has another income at home,your the parent that gets the dla and other extras etc etc?
What planet are you actually on???

Lots of good questions unanswered by the OP here. I am also in awe of her cheek to expect her ex to pay her for her time to look after her child. My ex paid me nothing for his child. I just got on with it, at one point having 3 jobs at the same time because that's what you do. It was his choice to pay nothing and he has to live with that decision.

As far as I’m aware CMS amount is the legal minimum what NRP is supposed to pay. However they can not force the NRP to pay more than that. Neither can the court. So yes imo OP you would be wasting your time attempting to take it further.

As I said before my own child has ASD and yes to the PP, there are added costs and no DLA doesn’t come close to paying for what many children with SN needs.

Op doesn’t like the responses, which have all been fair, so she’s wanting everyone to stop commenting No doubt this thread will be removed for privacy concerns.

If anything op I hope this has even you the needed unbiased opinions to not make an arse of yourself to your ex or the courts. If it’s too much op hide the thread.

If your ex isn’t paying you anything for the child you share please for god sake, take it up with THEM. Hold your ex to a higher standard. He is the bastard here.

The OP isn’t a greedy feckless cheeky cow or whatever for wanting the best for her son. But at the same time her ex is within his legal rights to pay the CMS amount of child support.

You're going to get the shock of your life when your ds is grown up and out of education OP.
Your ex won't be paying your bills then!

It does not cost 2k a month to raise a child. ASD or not.

You are greedy. You'll be getting more than some people earn a month working in benefits alone. And you have the cheek to complain you aren't receiving more money from your ex?
Your son isn't a cash cow. Stop using him for your own means.
If your ex goes through the right channels it be reduced anyway. And rightly so. I'm am stunned at your boarent greedyness.

*blatant not boarent. Got to love autocorrect!

You currently get a THOUSAND pounds a month? And DLA as well?

Good luck getting more money, or any sympathy.

DLA mid rate care is £310 pm. Not sure why people are saying £200.

Greatest I just googled and it said 55 per week so I multiplied that by 4 as an approximation.

DLA is not a benefit. It is not means tested. People in full time employment who have disabilities can and do claim it.

£1500 a month rent does not necessarily equate to a big house. In the area I live that would get you a 2 bedroomed flat or possibly a very small house.

But even if £1500 is a tiny 2 bed flat, it doesn't cost 2k per month to raise a child who isnet in private school.
OP seems to think ExP owes her a monthly wage for caring for his child. Maybe she is right but she seems to already get that and court won't put it up

Sounds like shes regarded receiving this money as her wages for looking after his son, it doesnt really work like that.

Autism will be exhausting for the child, as they have to mask in shcool. this is a well known part of their condition. Also after school care may ne be suitable for their disability because of their sensory need,, or their communication or social difficulties.

She is matching it by providing specialist care for the child. SEN child care is prohibatively expensive, especially as he requires 1:1 support in school.