AIBU to expect more CM from ex for ASD son?

[northernnelli]

A bit of backstory – DS7 was diagnosed with ASD when he was a toddler. He went to a special school until Jan last year when he started in mainstream education with a 1-on-1 TA support. His progress has been great and he enjoys school. His father and I split up 2.5 yrs ago. I have since remarried. My ex was paying an amount we agreed via email at the time of separation. He now wants to go through CMS as he says he can't afford to keep paying what he does and his income varies year to year, which will leave me with only £720 a month, almost £300 less that what he currently pays and AGREED to with NO NOTICE. I receive mid-rate DLA for DS but this may be stopped.

The thing is, CMS don't take into consideration the additional needs of my child! Although his ASD doesn't cost MONEY that I can show him invoices for, it costs TIME because I don't think afterschool care is appropriate for DS (he did attend a mainstream summer daycare last year without a 1-on-1 but I personally think he is too tired at the end of the day for afterschool club to be considered) therefore I am limited in the hours I can work as I have to personally care for him myself at the end of the school day. All I can do at the moment is work from home which barely makes me anything. I was unable to work at all when he was young which means I gave up my career to care for him. My ex on the other hand has become quite successful.

AIBU to think he should be paying more than the CMS rate? I intend to take this all the way to court so I can get a court ordered CM instead of CMS rate. He's suggesting applying to the cMS every year because his income varies (+/- about £20k a yr), but his DS's needs don't vary so why should he miss out??

Sorry £310 is Middle rate care and lower rate mobility which op would get if he needs guidance and supervision outside which he probably does based on what op says.

I get £19 a week for my child with ASD. I would never ever dream of basing my asking for more on the additional effort I put into raising MY child because she has ASD! Wow

It’s more than CMS will give you quick calculation says they’d give you 530/month. So if he’s offered you more be greatful & live within your means

Op, YANBU Some of these responses are astonishing. Race to the bottom sums it up well.

If Op's ExDH is earning £80K pa, then £1,000 per month CS is more than reasonable. The fact that Op has remarried does not mean that her ex is no longer responsible for his child.

Op, take him to court. I wish you well.

Op, take him to court. I wish you well

If the OP takes him to court he will only have to pay maintenance at the CMS rate.....why do you think the current processes won't apply to the OP?

Looking at the calculator £720 is what he should be paying you.
Based on £80K earnings and him having his DS for less that 52 days.
If it's more than 52 days a year this reduced to around £600 per month.
I'm not sure if a court would award you anymore than that.
If you want to do some working then the calculator is HERE

You've had a hard time of it on here.
Mainly because, most of us have totally deadbeat Ex's who often pay very little, or in my case, fuck all.
£720 a month is a lot of money to many on here.
It may not be to you and you feel you deserve more.
Rightly or wrongly.
Unfortunately I don't think the courts would increase this based on your criteria.
Were you married to your Ex?
If not then I'm afraid you don't have much come back.
I wish you well.
Please do a budget and cut back where you can to ensure you can make ends meet.

While I agree the OP is being unreasonable as she does receive a substantial amount of CM, I also think that no one on here knows her circumstances fully, mainly because she hasn't explained fully.

I have a disabled child. Not autism, but a genetic condition. What I will say to every one telling her 'get a job' is that it's not always that easy when you have a child with disabilities. I work part time and am lucky to have a very understanding employer but in other circumstances I would find it very difficult to work due to the sheer volume of appointments I have to attend, not to mention the constant illnesses that mean I need time off at very short notice fairly regularly. It's not always as easy as it seems. I for one, was very ignorant of exactly what it entails having a disabled child until I was in this position. For example, next month we have 3 hospital appointments within 8 days, an educational meeting with her nursery and a meeting with a rare conditions charity. For March, we already have 3 appointments in the diary. While it's not always this hectic, it certainly can be quite alot.

Anyone who has an SN child will tell you the cost of specialist equipment is extortionate - we just paid over £1K for what is effectively a full single bed sized cot, will need to spend the same again soon on a car seat, a buggy potential in the future, the list is pretty endless. Not to mention the cost of fuel and parking to attend all appointments. Trust me, the list is endless. While some things can be provided by physio/OT this is definitely not always the case and often you are offered something that isn't totally 100% suitable but in their eyes 'will do' so deemed fine.

However, I do think the OP is being unreasonable as £750 is a huge amount of CM. I know he is a high earner but he still has to live and I assume provide for OPs child at his house.

I see your 're-married' so I'm assuming your Ex is also an ExDH.
If that is the case, what settlement did you get when you divorced?
The courts may take this into account if you didn't get a fair share.
But TBH, your Ex sounds like he's doing what he should be so I would hope the split was fair.

OP = "Am I being unreasonable?"
99% of responders - "Yes. Massively U."
OP = "MN DELETE THIS THREAD IMMEDIATELY"

My brothers Ex-wife was getting upwards of £1000 a month child maintenance (well over the CM amount, paid voluntarily), he had his children 5 nights out of 14 and she tried to apply to the courts to make him cough up half of the kids afterschool activities ON TOP of the £1000 a month she already got.

Suffice to say, the Judge pretty much laughed in her face and told her to jog on.

I doubt you'll have much more success.

Very very simple. Get hold of an agency that can staff you with someone who can manage your DS. Get the cost. Give him the bill. We have two DC with aSD and cobble together aftercare with unqualified people who have a special connection with our DC. They do an excellent job and we pay about $30k a year, about £20k. The U.K. is actually more expensive for childcare because no one here will work on the books so £2k a month is an entirely reasonable amount for the cost of aftercare for a child disabled by ASD.

I wish people fully understood the cost of disability. It's prohibitively expensive. It's part of the reason why the divorce rate is so much higher.

OP, I e chased my career for the past 5 years and more than doubled my earnings. I would suggest you ask your ex to meet you half way for the childcare bill while you build up your earnings. Go out and get a FT job which has higher earning potential. If you have to study for further qualifications get it done so you can earn more.

DH and I earn a very high income but you wouldn't know meeting us or seeing our lives. We are saving as much as we can because we don't know our D.C.'s future. Also we are heavy on the therapy which costs money but we see good results so keep going back.

This must be a wind up surely ?!?!

I agree that childcare for children with SEN is often extremely expensive, but certainly not always. My DS1 has complex ASD and attends a residential special school, so he doesn't need childcare during the week. However during the holidays he goes to a fabulous SEN holiday club which costs us a fiver less a day than the holiday club his NT younger brother goes to, because the SEN club gets charitable funding. Have a look around, OP, and see if you can find anything subsidised that would be suitable for your DS.

cat We have found it very challenging to find suitable care for our high functioning ASD DC. In our area I see there is more available for the more complex cases and low functioning ASD community. It makes sense to focus provision for these cases but it does mean a group is left with less support.

Want2b I sympathise, we are very fortunate to have the provision we've got. And you're absolutely right re high functioning ASD often getting less support.

Aside from cm are you claiming everything your entitled too - carers allowance, tax credits - which gets boosted if your son get dla

I have a disabled child too.

Whilst not rich by any stretch I also receive a fuckton of extra money each month. DLA, child tax credits and carers allowance which is bumped up by income support. Not to mention rent paid and council tax benefit. (( I don't as dp works but others do ))

The cost of most kids who have Autism isn't massively above that of an NT child, obviously activities need paying for and breakages etc but let's face it. That doesn't come to in excess of £1000 a month. It's grabby twats like you who give genuine people a bad name.

my ex bought me a can of coca cola when i was in hospital after a emcs... thats the sum total of anything/everything he has given me/our child
ONE CAN OF COCA COLA :)
your ex husband is a peach dont fuck him off too much

I have 5 DC- although im not split up from DH.
2 have physical disabilities one has servere MH disabilities including autism. We earn about the same amount as you including your CM and manage fine- including days out. Your DS must be on the servere end of autistic to need so much specialost care? I know its exausting but sometimes its good to push them slightly outside there comfort zone if not there gonna get a shock when there older.

Aside from cm are you claiming everything your entitled too - carers allowance, tax credits - which gets boosted if your son get dla

Oh I imagine the op is claiming EVERYTHING she can.

*This little kitty
*
😂😂

theyre not going to enforce anything other than the required minum amount so dont bother goingto court youre wasting even more money that u dont have

theyre not going to enforce anything other than the required minum amount so dont bother goingto court youre wasting even more money that u dont have

OP, if this did actually make it to a court room (highly unlikely), there’s no legislation that could support an increase. I don’t understand why you think if an order was made via the courts this would protect you if his income was to drop? If his income drops the amount he has to hand over would surely drop too? it will also be an expensive protracted affair.

There are plenty of parents of children with children who have additional needs on this thread, most of whom think YABU. Although there may be additional costs, surely the DLA and CM helps to cover those?

Any other costs appear to be standard that all parents have to fork out for.

There are lots of childminders who have lots of good experience with children with additional needs, perhaps that is something you could consider? A smaller, homely environment may precluded the need for additional 1:1.

You say you want this money to cover your lost time? You are a parent, that is ridiculous. We all lose time in some way or another. My DD has physical health issues and has been very poorly on and off since birth. I’ve lost time, an income.

You could
Perhaps try doing casual work EOW?

Aretheranyleft well my relatives child costs a lot more than his nt brothers. For a start clothes cost hundreds a month. He destroys every bit of clothing.