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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A son is a son untill he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life?

263 replies

Anxiousally · 18/01/2018 00:42

Aibu to ask if this is true in your experience?

It makes me feel quite sad Sad

DS is only 18 months old so I've a while yet Grin and DHs mum passed away when he was young so I've not really experienced/witnessed an adult male and mother bond?
Just curious?

OP posts:
BanquoGhostie · 19/01/2018 17:39

I only recently came across this saying. It came from an 89 yo lady who lived in my mum’s block at sheltered housing. This lady is the widow of a teacher at my secondary school but never really knew her. She has 3 grown up sons (retired!) . My mum has dementia and recently had to move out of sheltered into a care home. This lady, Irene, asked my mum if she could ‘borrow’ me as I was always doing stuff for my Mum and taking her for a coffee etc. I have 2 older brothers who don’t do anything for my mum. It is really hard to have a conversation with my mum now. I understand where Irene is coming from that whilst she gets on with her DiLs -it’s not quite the same relationship. If my brothers had to do anything for my mum - they wouldn’t know where to start. Whereas I just know what she needs/wants.
I am steeling myself for the day she is no longer with us.

Maireadplastic · 19/01/2018 17:46

Well as a mother of three boys, I'd better bring them up to be more useful than your brothers, Banquo.

elmo1990 · 19/01/2018 17:47

Not really the case for us, dh talks to his dm alot daily and still seeks her advice. I talk/see my dm less often although we do have a good relationship. In dh's case I think it's because he's an only child of a single parent

Ohyesiam · 19/01/2018 17:49

I have two possible smart arse replies to your post.

  1. Yes, because women own men. Have you not heard of feminism. 
                         OR
  1. Have you not seen the mil threads on here?
Katherine2626 · 19/01/2018 17:58

Absolutely not. I know a family where the son is far closer to his mother than her two daughters are, families where they hardly see their children at all, others who live in each other's pockets continually - everyone is different and these blanket assumptions of how life will be are a bit odd.

bowtieandheels · 19/01/2018 17:59

What nonsense, I know SO many women who have strained relationships with their mothers this just can’t possibly be true, I’m one of 4, 3 girls and 1 boy, my brother def has the best relationship and is closest to our mother. It’s anotehr one of those ridiculous generalisations, please don’t waste your energy worrying about it.

EggsonHeads · 19/01/2018 18:00

Not if the mother does her job properly.

Shockers · 19/01/2018 18:02

It could also depend on the sort of MIL you are I suppose.

tigertailz · 19/01/2018 18:07

I think this is fact. Three boys, and I knew I'd one day be minor grandma. Then I had my daughter, and joy was enhanced knowing I'd be major grandma if she has babies.

Mustang27 · 19/01/2018 18:12

God no not in my experience Iv been in 3 serious long term relationships and 2 out of the 3 were total mummies boys. Round their house 2/3 times a week and on the phone most days.

HildaZelda · 19/01/2018 18:14

I'm NC with my mother. DH is way too close to his (not in a good way) Angry
So in my case, that theory is definitely blown out of the water.

therealposieparker · 19/01/2018 18:15

My MIL was a passive aggressive nightmare dressed up as harmless fucking bitch.

Things she, and FIL, did in the first few months:
Reminded me how close her and Dh's ex were,
That the EX called my ILs Mum and Dad
How welcoming Ex was
How precious DH was etc
Would say they were coming for a weekend and turn up on Thursday, leave on Tuesday
Never ask for anything just helped themselves
Thought I was selfish for not giving up my bed, even though the spare room had a double
Treated me like a guest in my own house

When I was PG:
Had a go at me about loads of stuff, things they ever talked to DH about
Called me a liar
Infested my house with fleas

When DS1 was tiny:
Disregarded anything I said....
Would constantly try and accidentally wake him
Competed with my parents

Basically they were twats and so 7 years ago I cut them out. DH and our kids see them...

Lesson here is if you want to stay close to your son be very nice to his girlfriend and then wife!!

User45632874 · 19/01/2018 18:24

I agree it depends on who their partner/wives are. My sister in law has driven a massive wedge between myself and my brother and my mum and my brother because of her controlling nature- it is more down to her personality though and hopefully you will end up with a lovely DIL. It does seem to me that the females mother usually takes precedence in the grandparents stakes etc. but there aren't any hard and fast rules. My father's parents lived closer to us as children and were no.1 grandparents (sorry not sure how to put this) so it doesn't always follow; as usual there are no guarantees in life x

crazychemist · 19/01/2018 18:28

Seconding what many pps have said - only if you raise your son to believe that organising the house/visits/Christmas whatever is "women's work".

I sometimes feel quite judged by my MIL. When things aren't "right around the house" (frequently the case!) it is always tacitly assumed that this is my fault. My DH does nothing around the house most of th time, so I consider it his fault that things aren't tidy!

We have a very distant relationship with her. But this is all down to how she raised her son - he just doesn't think these things are his responsibility, and I won't put the effort in on his behalf because of her attitude. So you choose when you raise your DS

Maireadplastic · 19/01/2018 18:29

Tigertailz- I almost wish I could delete your post! 'minor grandma', 'major grandma'??? Ugh.

pickleofficer · 19/01/2018 18:29

Well, my MIL is passive agressive whilst an expert in playing the victim. She manipulates her boys. My SIL and I are on to her though and smile sweetly through gritted teeth... you attract more wasps with honey than vinegar etc etc...

My brother was super close with my parents until he married and she looked down on them. They went NC within a year of marriage. Broke my parents hearts.

I have three boys and will do my best to make sure that their future partners feel welcome and not undermined in their own homes/marriages. But equally, I will try to be kind to my MIL. (If it kills me)

raisedbyguineapigs · 19/01/2018 18:32

tigertailz with that attitude, you'd be no kind of grandma if you were my mother!

whichwayisout · 19/01/2018 18:33

My husband had great relationship with his mother, he always visited and so did I and vice versa, his brother phones everyday to his mum and visits daily.

My husband has stopped visiting/speaking as much due to bil wife causing a rift with us all and his pil allow it to happen.

We see them once a week now but still go on holiday.

lynmilne65 · 19/01/2018 18:34

No am extraordinary close to my sons

Thehappygardener · 19/01/2018 18:35

Dear Anxioussally don’t worry, you sound lovely and your son will always love you. My brother and mother have a wonderful loving relationship.

PS Tigertails minor and major grandmas - fantastic expression, never heard it before .... but it’s amazingly accurate for some people.

My darling stepdaughter has an MiL who is lovely in many ways BUT absolutely determined to be the major grandma for all DGC from her four adult children (she has sons and daughters) to the extent of manipulating or excluding all the other adults, she wants absolutely to be the best nana in the world, and it was initially hurtful and confusing till we (ie the minor relations/grannies) wised up.

Her attitude is so sad, in my view it’s not a competition and I think that love grows where it can. 🌺

Accountant222 · 19/01/2018 18:39

Yep, it's true I barely see my boy now

BrambleandCuthbert · 19/01/2018 18:41

Minor grandma & major grandma???! What an awful idea.

I'm sure my DC don't classify either of their grandmothers as "major" and "minor". As their mother, I don't either.

FWIW, my MIL is lovely (as is my mother). My DH has a great relationship with her, without any prompting from me. She organised a hasty 1st birthday celebration (cake and bunting - nothing OTT) for my first DC when I chose to miss the day in order to attend a funeral. I was very grateful.

Nobody should be trying to undermine or usurp anyone else, surely?

WLmum · 19/01/2018 18:42

For us, kind off. I'm super close to dm, but as I've got older I've defiantly got closer to mil and appreciated her more. Dh is not particularly close to his dm so I definitely drive the relationship.

CPtart · 19/01/2018 18:43

My dad, uncles, brother and husband all moved much further away from their parents than their female counterparts in my family.
I have two sons. But as I plan to spend my retirement travelling and not doing the school run, the old saying doesn't bother me too much.

MelanieSmooter · 19/01/2018 18:46

My MIL believes this. She’s very effectively made it become a self fulfilling prophecy! I’ve given up nagging encouraging DH to maintain their relationship, mostly because she clearly favours one of our DC over the other two and we’ve both lost our shit with it.

My GM is another story - my uncles are much closer to her than my Mum is, but that’s mostly because they’re needy and spoilt and my Mum isn’t!