A son is a son untill he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life?

[Anxiousally]

Aibu to ask if this is true in your experience?

It makes me feel quite sad

DS is only 18 months old so I've a while yet and DHs mum passed away when he was young so I've not really experienced/witnessed an adult male and mother bond?
Just curious?

I don’t get on with my MIL. But MIL moved close to us and he takes he children to see MIL when he looks after them during school holidays. He also has lunch with his mum. You need to make sure your sons have a good relationship with you. Why is it your future DIL to blame. You will never replace their own parents and it is only natural she feels closer to the parents who brought her up and love her all her life.

and I can't see anyone driving a wedge between us

It’s phrases like that that will cause someone to inadvertently ‘drive a wedge’. There is this Big thing with letting sons go that doesn’t seem to apply to daughters, as others have said, raise your sons to be caring, conscientious and do all wife Work and they will be fine.

My husband gets tears and guilt tripping from his mum often. It’s nothing to do with me, he can make his own sections about when he calls / sees them.

So how does this apply to fathers and daughters? I'm close to both parents but get on better with my dad, partly because we have more in common.

DH has always been closer to his mum, which would be ok if she wasn't so clingy (she didn't speak to him for a week after New Year because he spent the evening with me, HIS WIFE, while she was home alone).

My MIL, never saw me as part of the family regularly mentioning his ex, and after many incidents I don't bother with her. I did try and kept my mouth shut for a few years, but the emotional blackmail just ramped up. Dh still has a relationship and sees her but we would go round a lot more if I had a relationship with her. My sisters MIL has treated her like a daughter since before they married, she treats her like a friend and they have a good relationship, they don't always agree and they have their moments, but they're close and she chooses to spend time and holidays with them.

Mumsnet nuttiness at it's best.........

It's a crock of shit and really bloody rude... I have two sons and a few people who have daughters have said this to me... I find it really offensive, the implication being that their daughters will love them more than my son's will love me.

It's not about your sons loving you less.

Take one look at the amount of MIL bashing that takes place on this forum.

Wait until your sons grow up and have kids of their own.

My sister uses our mother as a free babysitter all the time and her husband's family never get a look in as she doesnt like them.

My BIL doesn't love his mother less just that my sister wont take the kids there or leave them with her.

Yeah I’ve never got the ‘drive a wedge’ thing tbh. I’m not DH’s mum, I’m his wife.

Maybe for blokes that expect to be mothered there’s only room for one woman to perform that task?

I have zero interest in ‘mothering’ DH so I don’t see MIL as competition.

Early on in our relationship he achieved something big and asked me aren’t you proud of me - I said your mum should be out and out proud and fussing over you. As your partner what I feel is different - your achievement inspires respect rather than pride. Still as strong a feeling, but pride? No, not really, I’ll leave that to his loving mother. It’s not just the MIL who needs to maintain a degree of emotional independence IMO

My mum and my brother were very close. Mum always said that the important thing was that his wife liked her, if that were the case all would be well. She was a very wise old bird.

"My BIL doesn't love his mother less just that my sister wont take the kids there or leave them with her."

So why doesn't he, or doesn't he feel it's up to him?

My DH is extremely close to his DM. They speak every few days and he sees her every week or two (we all live in London). It helps that she is lovely and has always been very welcoming to me (DH and I have been together since we were late teens and are now in our 40s). Our kids have had an equal relationship with both sets of grandparents and have seen them every few weeks since they were babies. Obviously this was made possible by the fact that we all live relatively close to each other but we would definitely not have prioritised the children's relationship with my parents over his.

Sometimes the relationship between MIL and DIL almost seems like the 'OW'. MIL can feel pushed out and DIL wants to be liked 'the best'.

Also grown men close to their mother's tend to be seen as mummy's boys and a bit wet, same is never said about a close mother/daughter relationship.

DP is still very close to MIL, and pops over to her house for a cuppa a few times a week as she's recently widowed. His other two brothers live nearby too and do likewise. And not tied to apron strings either- they are all very much their own men.

But then, she's never seen any of us as any sort of threat. Like all mothers, she wanted someone for her sons who would treat him well, and in all her DIL's she's got that. I'm very fond of her too.

diddl

Most of you on here are mothers. I'd like to see any of you told by your husbands the kids are staying with their mother when you don't want to.

My sister was one of those neurotic mothers who hovers over you when you even held her baby and told you over and over and again the same instructions.

When you say to her I heard you the first four times and I know how to feed a baby a bottle she'll say I'll tell you 10 times how to do.it my way if I want to.

She's awful.

I count myself very lucky that I'm very close to my son and DIL. I regularly look after my DGS and see them all most days as we live less than a mile apart. My DIL is like another daughter to me - we often spend time together without my son.

"Most of you on here are mothers. I'd like to see any of you told by your husbands the kids are staying with their mother when you don't want to."

Well staying is perhaps a different thing, but there's no reason why he can't take the kids to visit if he'd like them to see more of his mum, is there?

Ha ha, this would make my mum laugh! My brother is round for lunch every weekend and on the phone every night. He would be there more often but lives about 45 min drive away, but is making plans to move closer! OK, he is single so maybe that makes a difference!

I have 2 sons and I am hoping we will still be close when they are older.

We live a long way from my PIL but we visit for 5-7 days each time twice a year and they usually stay with us for a similar amount of time. My husband is always on the phone with them and his siblings. So I would say he is very close and we actually spend a lot of (intensive) time with them despite the distance.

Well staying is perhaps a different thing, but there's no reason why he can't take the kids to visit if he'd like them to see more of his mum, is there?

She won't even do that.

Anxiousally.

I have a Ds and Dd both now married with children and am close to both in different ways.

I don't think that this old saying is true at all. My son is always calling round, looking what's is the fridge , having a bit of a chat. I am also his absolute trusted confidante in business type problems or advice on most things. I also get on well with my Dil but she is very close to her Dm so don't see her as often.

It helps that she knows, he's a Mummies Boy and me and her joke about it, in a nice way. She also says she's sometimes glad to get him from under her feet if she's stuff to do and tells him to, go see your Mum for a bit.

I have 2 sons and I've made a point of giving my DILs the type of friendship they've wanted from their MIL, which is different for each woman. As a result my DILs are not afraid to consult me and ask me to visit. They also both encourage my sons to speak to me on a regular basis. They are both great women

IME because of long-standing gender roles, when a couple marries the MIL often expects the DIL to be the gatekeeper of the couple's social life, so if the MIL and DIL don't get along that affects the relationship with the son. The same thing rarely happens between the woman and her mother, the husband just isn't involved there. My MIL tried to make me the gatekeeper and I just refused - I don't particularly like her so if she wants to see her son it's up to them to make arrangements, it's none of my business. I have had to nudge DH to do that though - I think he also expected me to run his social life and take care of his family. Fuck that.

Bizarrely my mother used to take me and my sisters to see my aunts on my father's side when I was a kid - without my dad. They were nice people but my mother wasn't at all close to them, yet she felt a duty to build a relationship between us and them. I appreciate that but I also think she was a mug - she should have told my father to get off his arse and do the work of maintaining the relationship.

Far too many men are lazy about the work that relationships take. And far too many women are blamed for it. If men want to be close to their mothers then they need to do what it takes to make that happen. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

'I have 2 sons and I've made a point of giving my DILs the type of friendship they've wanted from their MIL, which is different for each woman. As a result my DILs are not afraid to consult me and ask me to visit. They also both encourage my sons to speak to me on a regular basis. They are both great women'

I know you mean this sincerely Karatema and it's great that you get on with your DILs but this is just the sort of attitude I'm talking about. Of course it's fantastic to be kind and friendly to your DILs but why do they have any bearing on your relationship with your sons? Why do they have to ask you to visit or encourage your sons to talk to you? Surely your sons are capable of doing it themselves??

I hope not, i have one of each and hope they're both for life (both teens now) I have 3 brothers and all are still close to our mom

My DH's parents never bother with him so it's their fault he is close to my family. They have always been the same.
His dad could never be arsed to spend any time with him and just used to give him money to make him shut up and go away. His mum is bullied by his dad.
You have the power to have a good relationship with your son and you have to hope he is with someone who will also be open.
It's 50/50.
I would love my MIL and FIL to be kind and hands on grandparents but it's clear they don't give a shit except when others are around and then we are all supposed to play happy families. They set a lot of store around what other people think but don't care about their son.
I tend to avoid them as much as possible now. I made a lot of effort when we were younger. Now I don't listen to the emotional blackmail and I am sure the damage was done before I ever came on the scene.

My parents more or less adopted my DH, and he loves them to bits.

"She won't even do that."

What, you mean she won't allow her husband to take his kids to his mum at all?