A son is a son untill he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life?

[Anxiousally]

Aibu to ask if this is true in your experience?

It makes me feel quite sad

DS is only 18 months old so I've a while yet and DHs mum passed away when he was young so I've not really experienced/witnessed an adult male and mother bond?
Just curious?

My youngest son (late 20’s) and I have always gotten along very well - we're on the same page to the point of almost reading each other's minds. We have always loved to have a good chin wag about everything under the sun whenever we get the chance.

Not long ago he found the love of his life (beside his old mum lol) and our relationship is still exactly the same. He asks for relationship advice and I’m very quick to give it from a woman’s point of view. I’m sure it will always be this way. I love his girlfriend and feel like she’s the daughter I never had. I have been so very worried he’d be alone after we die. It’s truly a lovely feeling seeing someone loving your son.

We farm/ranch and so his girlfriend is moving here.

On the other hand my other son (40’s from my first marriage) and I do not understand each other at all. I have no idea how his mind works. Never have. When he got married I didn’t not feel like I was losing a son because we were never close to begin with. He was close with whoever were his friends at the time. His marriage didn’t last btw. I was told years ago that a man will be the same with his girlfriend/wife the same way he is with his mother. I think this is true.

So I think it depends on the relationship you have with your son.

Your mum’s friend wrote that on Facebook about her own son? Maybe that sort of thing is why they don’t have a close relationship.

Your mum’s friend wrote that on Facebook about her own son? Maybe that sort of thing is why they don’t have a close relationship.

Hit the nail on the head there.

My sil is closer to mum than me. Depends on the kind of woman or man that your son marries and also on your own personality.

It Depends

Ver much of what happens in life 'depends'

It is a concern of mine having 2 boys. My brother’s relationship with my parents has changed since he got married and I do think it’s because of the way SIL treats my parents. I get on really well with my MIL she is like an extra mother so I’m hoping if my boys do find a long term partner in adulthood I can have a relationship with them. I think it’s all down to the person they end up with and how you manage to forge a relationship with them.

Naturally though when women have children I think they migrate to their own mother rather than the MIL. Who doesn’t want their mum when they’re most vulnerable.

Although when I got married my DM did give me a talk that DH was now my husband and although they were still there for me he was my new family and should be my priority. Sounds a bit 1950s written down but she meant it in a supportive way.

Flashing

"Who doesn’t want their mum when they’re most vulnerable?".

People who have a poor relationship with their own mother, I suppose

So you have to hope the DIL has a poor relationship with their mother??

Yeah, I don't buy this 'it's depends on the wife' crap. If you have a close relationship with your son, he will see you. If you don't, he won't. This constant blaming of women for mens failings nonsense needs to stop. Some men just don't care about their parents/siblings, it's not their wives job to force them to spend time with you.

I just think the relationship with sons and daughters is different after they marry/partner. Mine are teens and I have not experienced it first hand but have seen it with others.

For the example I would be prepared (if absolutely necessary for some reason) to clean my daughters house. This would be in the knowledge she would not go to town if I accessed drawers/cupboards etc while tidying and if there were any issues I could happily tell her to pull her head in without it turning into a major drama. No way would I do such a thing with a DIL, just look at most threads on here. So much as look sideways at a drawer or put something in a cupboard and there is the potential for all sorts of problems, being accused of snooping, overstepping boundaries, doing it wrong etc. Just a small example but could be extrapolated to most situations. That’s why I think the relationship with sons tends to change after they are partner/marry.

tilly

I agree

Lol @Eltonjohnssyrup when you say your MIL had one, are you referring to a SIL of yours or yourself?

I don’t think so no. My DP is very close to both his parents and speaks to either one of them most days. My dad was the same with his mother. I have a difficult relationship with my mother and I can think of half a dozen other women off the top of my head who are the same.

Every family is different and that saying is bollocks.

DH had a difficult relationship his mother before he married me. That didn’t change after we got together, but I encouraged contact and at the minimum, tolerance.

Now we both have a difficult relationship with her.

I’m hoping my sons will stay close. I’d like them to find long term partners but hope that, while they become part of her family, she also becomes part of ours. I also hope that they realise with all this family melding that they are forming the nucleus of their own small family and priorities will of course shift.

I should also say my ex would say he is close to his mother but that relationship seems to be solely based on what he will inherit as he is obsessed with money and she’s not much better. She can say and do literally anything with no repercussions because he’s so desperate to stay in her good books. This apparently means they’re close. Sad really. I’m glad I don’t have a penny to my name so at least if my kids are close to me when they’re older (hopefully they will be!) I know it’s not about what they can get out of me.

@NotAgainYoda no I don’t hope that a potential DIL has a poor relationship with her own mother, I hope she would be able to see me as an extra one like I do my own MIL.

As I wrote who doesn’t want their mother when they’re vulnerable I did think that maybe even the ones who don’t have a relationship with their own mother do want one?! If that makes sense...

In fact when I had DS1 my DM stayed nearby for weeks, I had to ask her go in the end as she came every weekday and I needed to get on with things myself. My MIL was always at the end of the phone for a advice and although I didn’t always take it was and is great to chat to (having 5 children she has loads of it).

Sorry stop if that's the case you've wasted even more of your time reading and commenting hmm. Think I may re post this thread in a few months time just for you!! HTH

Brilliant reply.

Relationships are complex and regardless of who joins the family the dynamic will change and can be affected by anyone in the mix.

In mils case she didn't loose a son, she gained a friend. We get on great and talk more than her and dh do. I go stay with her without dh!

I think it’s utter crap. I’m close to my mum but I’m close in a different way to my MIL. I’d always encourage my DH relationship with his family

My DM is closer to my SIL than she is to me. No particular reason, they just have more in common and enjoy the same hobbies.

True in my experience.

A huge generalisation but true ime. Daughters are a bit more dutiful. I am fully aware that there are lots of exceptions!!

And a lot more thoughtful in general.

Ha, my two friends told me this very safely when i was pregnant with a boy (they had girls), and I politely forebore from pointing out that as adults they had settled in their dhs’ country, in their dhs’ home towns, and were mega involved in dhs’ family’s lives and barely saw their own mothers, who after all lived in different countries, one on the other side of the world.