A son is a son untill he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for life?

[Anxiousally]

Aibu to ask if this is true in your experience?

It makes me feel quite sad

DS is only 18 months old so I've a while yet and DHs mum passed away when he was young so I've not really experienced/witnessed an adult male and mother bond?
Just curious?

if you look at the ghastly hostility towards MILs that is displayed routinely on this forum you won't be surprised by this observation.

My mother once came out with this sententious crap in my presence, but only once. I pointed out that she was saying this whilst eating Christmas lunch at my house - her younger son's - with her grandchildren, with, moreover, her other son and his family having flown four thousand miles to join her on Christmas Day. Sentimental bollocks is sentimental bollocks, slice it where you wish. I have two daughters and they are both speaking to me.

It depends. I tried to be a good dil and was soundly rejected. My son is close to me now, but if he was in love, i can see that he would be loyal.

My dd is driving me crazy bc new bf's family is glomming onto her and they occupy most of her free time while bf won't come to our home.

Sadly, as an antique/boot sale person, i have gotten the best deals from dil's who told me "oh, my mil gave it to me, i donot like it, so I'm selling it."

I think it depends who the son marries. I know several women who refuse point blank to spend Christmas or other time with their husband’s parents - and more fool the man for not insisting the time is shared out between the families. I would hate to end up with a daughter in law like this.

DH isn’t a fool. He doesn’t want to waste our favourite day of the year with a woman who will give significantly more to one child than the other two, tell the second off for doing exactly what her granddaughter does (SILs DD) and ignore our DD. I would literally have a day without DH rather than spend it in that toxic environment. If they want our time then they need to act like nice, normal human beings. Not hard really - you reap what you sow.

We're both around 40 with two kids under 10, we are very close to both sets of grandparents.

It's a different role when your son marries I think. The DiL mom comes first which is to be expected. Because I am hands off and don't interfere in anything I get on well with our DiL.

She is happy for our eldest to help out us as needed and always happy for us to see our Grandson. We see them about twice a month and speak to them weekly on the phone. They live 20 mins from us by car. Her mom lives 5 mins away. Sometimes I feel a little envious but never ever show it.

We seen alot of our Grandson over the Christmas period. More than her parents which our eldest sorted. She was happy to go along with it.

Nature of the person involved comes into it however I have never given her a reason to be peeved with me.

When our eldest son and her got married I told them if they wanted me to do anything just ask, otherwise I would just focus on my outfit. I was asked to do readings and prayers. This was lovely and an honour

I have one daughter who lives abroad. It is a different relationship with her to my DiL and son. Each relationship is unique and different and down to personalities

I do think this is true to a certain extent. All my adult sons(x3) put their partners /wifes 1st. But that's how it should be once you find "the one" . But I also know they love us( as their parents)too!. My daughters are all younger.... Oldest is 17... And I do feel they are closer and more connected/aware of my feelings (husband isn't fazed either way) than the older kids... But none of them is in a serious relationship yet. I do feel that parents matter (being the mum of 7) but I also believe that when a person becomes an adult and finds the one it's inevitable (and understandable) that they will become the most important person in their lives!.... And the children that may follow.... It's only natural. Xxxx

I don't believe it's true.
Our two teenage sons are very close to both of us - hugs every day.
They also have a great example in their Dad who had a very close relationship with his Mum - rang her several times per week, and we all visited regularly. Sadly she passed away in the summer and we are all heartbroken.

If a man has a good relationship with his mum, there's no reason for that to change, but for example if he used to see his mum/parents a lot a weekends, he might do that less as he chooses to spend that time with a wife.

That can happen at any stage of a relationship though-a couple choosing to spend time together obviously cuts into time that they would have previously spent with others.

I haven’t read all replies but I have a friend who was very close to her son. Her son married and the new wife has banned him from seeing his mum. He started seeing her in secret. But after a while he stopped altogether and moved miles away. I don’t know the ins and outs but friend is very upset about it all.
I have other female friends who are close to their mums but have brothers who are no longer close.
I don’t have siblings so I don’t know. But I do have 3 boys. I hope they stay close. But I can’t make them. I think it depends on the individual.

I think it depends on the relationships. My ex who I was engaged to was close to both of his parents. My Dad was close to his Mum until she died (his Dad died when he was young). My mum doesn't have a close relationship with her Mum (her dad no longer in the picture).

DP is not close to his parents and I'm not close to mine but we're not married yet

I would like to think that if somebody has a close relationship with their parents before they got married or met their DP they'd continue to have a close relationship afterwards. And viceversa if they have a bad relationship beforehand, getting with someone or getting married isn't going to change that

It bothers me when you hear that a wife stopped a husband from seeing his family, surely life is never so clear cut as that?

I think it depends on the mother. My DH’s mother cares for him in a very specific way. She will cook and clean and offer money. My mother doesn’t offer money, she doesn’t have it. She listens and cares for us. My mum knows my husbands favourite biscuits, football team, which cup he likes his tea in. We go to my MIL’s every week and she pours my DH’s tea in to a cup he doesn’t like then calls him an awkward bigger for changing it. Buts biscuits he doesn’t like them says “I got them especially for you” little things like that point to the biggest thing which is listening and caring about your children. My DH doesn’t see my mum very often and he makes an effort to see his because he knows that is what he should do and if he doesn’t he will be guilt tripped to death. I wouldn’t say he enjoys all the time he spends there but they do share a couple of common interests and when his mum sits down with him and spends some time on these then they are very happy. He would much rather our children be brought up in the way I was though as he appreciates the caring and attentive nature of my family - he doesn’t like everyone in it, but he thinks my mum is a pretty special person.

Could this be because we allow men (our sons, brothers, husbands) to have wings in a way we don't quite allow women?

Nope. My husband went to sleep over at his mum’s last night. I avoid the phone when my mum rings. He’s a far better son than I am daughter - though I have my reasons.

I have a son too. It does worry me. But then I think that I just need to keep the bond we have going and be welcoming but not pushy with his wife. How hard can this be?!

The solution to this "issue", if issue it is, is to train your sons to feel responsible for the "wifework" of keeping up contact with his own side of the family and to feel equally responsible with his wife for the "wifework" of looking after the children.

If the DIL has final say on what happens to the children, that is almost certainly because she has final responsibility for making sure they are ok, because she is the one who knows the details of their daily lives in and out, that on a daily basis she is the one who is actually doing the work. We need to train our sons to think there is nothing god-given about this.

Sadly I find it to be true. I have a very close relationship with my ds which is now becoming very strained. I do not want to be an interfering MIL but am told I am no making enough effort with gc. He said some months ago it must be hard for mums of sons to see dil Beeding their mum's more than mil when babies arrive butility would ensure both sets gp treeyed equally. Nothe do when I offer to visif/help and dil says it's "not convenient " then son says not making effort! I'm in a no win situation as dil plays him and we sit back, say nowt a don't want to cause a rift. I am at point of possibly causing upset by saying how we feel because fed up with getting it wrong whatever we do. Have to say we say this wedge appearing but I thought my son was stronger than to let it happen. We only get to see gc "by appointment " & dil says it's too difficult to bring gc and all the kit to visit Burton manages to see her parents couple times a week and they live further away. Hopefully we can sort something to suit all parties but I'm not holding my breath

Dreadful mistakes hope it makes sense. Funnily son just popped in on way to pil to help do some jobs to borrow something. No time to stop dil in car and gc might need a feed I did say that we would be happy to babysit if they were busy and was met with " where's that come from"? See can't win!

smiling that's really sad. I feel for you

From my experience it’s boys that are closer to their mums in adulthood. As long as there isn’t some jealous future wife. I’ve noticed from being on MN that a LOT of women have an issue with OHs being close to their mothers so maybe the truth is really that the wives try drive a wedge.
Boys/men are usually much closer though from what I’ve seen

From my experience it’s boys that are closer to their mums in adulthood. As long as there isn’t some jealous future wife. I’ve noticed from being on MN that a LOT of women have an issue with OHs being close to their mothers so maybe the truth is really that the wives try drive a wedge.
Boys/men are usually much closer though from what I’ve seen

I personally don't think this is true, my mom has 4 children (3 boys + me) and she is much closer to my brothers ( especially the oldest one and the youngest one) than she is to me. We pretty much have no relationship whatsoever and I can't see it improving anytime soon. My oldest brother is the only one of my brothers to have a partner and while I am not around much (so don't see their dynamic that often) I would go as far as saying that she is much more of a mother to her DIL than she is to me.

Two of my brothers aren't adult just yet but I can see them all maintaining a civil if not friendly relationship with my mother even if married, I can't really say the same about me.

I'm sure my MIL would liketo be able to say this was true of Dh and me. Except that would lead to questions about why things are so very different between her other sons and dils and her. What she wouldn't be saying is that dh, despite being a wonderful person, who had always treated her more than decently, has always been the child she could choose to ignore and that their relationship has never been good.

In theory, you’d expect this to be true. But in practice, it’s bolllx. Depends on so many dynamics. Personalities of all involved, geography, etc. If you want a good adult relationship your son and his partner, take a breath, be pleasant to partner, don’t tell them what to do, learn to enjoy their company as adults. And don’t expect too much! And be prepared to help out when you can.

I do know a couple of parents of the son who had good relationships with their dil's however when son's marriage broke down and children living with their Mum dil's let them only see ex husbands parents occasionally.