Was I right to inform HV?

[horseyhorsey123]

My friend has an almost 3 month old who she is planning on weaning soon. I've tried talking to her about the new recommendations, but she seems to think I've only left my own kids weaning until 6 months out of choice rather than because that's what the experts agree on. I wouldn't have said anything at all if her DD were a bit older, but 3 months seems really early. I do see why people start a little earlier, like 5 months.

Anyway, I was talking to my HV earlier about my own kids, and mentioned this to her. She said she'll pass it on to friend's HV and they'll probably arrange a visit at some point. I made sure that I wasn't reporting her as such, because she's really great and it's not like I have concerns as such. I just felt she hadn't really understood. She doesn't go to baby groups, so probably hasn't had that kind of exposure to modern weaning.

But now I'm worried it will be reported as a safe-guarding concern. There's a big custody battle going on with her stupid ex and I don't want this to go against her, but I just thought she needed a professional's opinion before she started. Who knows, the HV might say it's fine and to crack on!. Fair enough.
I made it clear that she hasn't started weaning yet, so there's no problem at the moment.

I realise I'm going to get a lot of YABU here. It came from a good place. I just care s lot about the baby.

howthelightgetsin

I don’t understand why no one is allowed to judge anyone else’s parenting decisions

Because how I parent is none of your business.

Have you told your friend yet about your conversation with the HV?

You have your own child so mind your own business- you clearly name dropped so she knows which HV to tell. I wouldn’t keep you as a friend!

Some things are downright dangerous

Yes but this isn't!

Abuse, actual neglect - yes

Ignoring a guideline that even experts can't agree on? Nope!

"I don’t understand why no one is allowed to judge anyone else’s parenting decisions" Judging internally is one thing - making it official when this poor mum and baby ALREADY are having a horrible time - not on!

I have very strong views on vaccination (pro) but I am deeply uncomfortable with parents being made to vaccinate.

I've a lot of childcare and healthcare experience but I NEVER comment unless specifically asked or a vulnerable person is in serious imminent danger.

If you do mean things OP, they sometimes come back at you. Are you perfect or will your ex friend gossip about you next time if she finds out?

I was told to wean at 4 months and could have done earlier by consultant

YABU and it’s really none of your business. She’s starting to wean a 3 month old, she’s not throwing a cheeseburger down the throat of a 3 day old. While it’s not something I would do and I might judge a bit internally, I’d certainly not report her. You’re no friend.

Imo yabu. I’d be furious and it would definitely affect our friendship if I had a visit from hv as a result of what you’d said. They’ll have played it down to you what will happen next- you must have given them a lot of detail about her for the hv to know who your friends hv is.
Fwiw I didn’t tell anyone why, but my ds was weaned at 4months- Drs orders. Severe reflux, made him incredibly sick. Weaning helped, and he’s managing fine. But I’d not have felt the need to discuss the ins and outs of my decision to wean early with anyone and may have passed it off as ‘I reckon he’s ready to taste some food now’.
I wouldn’t trust someone after that, and it would have affected my pnd having been reported, specially with issues with ex.
I know your heart was in the right place- but this could go wrong

I'm confused by all of the 'omg custody battle it's the last thing she needs' posts: the HV possibly bringing weaning up during a visit to ensure friend has a good idea of when is appropriate so she can make her own choices isn't exactly something so grievous she's going to be up all night sobbing. What a massive overreaction.

Weaning “guidelines”. You had no right to gossip to your HV about your friend. Her baby isn’t in danger ffs. Started introducing food to my DD at 5mths and my DS at 3.5 mths with absolutely no issues. Get a grip OP.

What a massive overreaction.

Not if it’s documented by the HV and used by the ex. So no, it’s not a massive overreaction. A massive overreaction is a supposed friend cliping to a HV over a non issue.

Blimey - its none of anyone's business. Its like the handmaids tale or something. And incredibly precious - there are many more dangers and challenges to navigate bringing up children. Wait till you get to the parents letting their kids watch TV till midnight eating mars bars and skittles and drinking coke out of a bottle.

Leave her be.

Because how I parent is none of your business

So no one can have an opinion on the way other people parent? I’m sure people disagree with some of the things I do, in fact I know they do. I don’t mind that they judge me because of course they have a right to a strong opinion.

We judge people all day every day - whether someone you work with is doing a good enough job, whether your boss is a good enough manager, how people you meet during the day act and the way they speak to you ... Parenting is the most important thing most of us will do and it would be weird if you didn’t have strong opinions on different aspects of it. You’ll have read books, chatted to friends and medical professionals and relatives and you’ll have just gone by gut instinct too. There will be things you do and don’t judge on and other things that you think are very important and would judge others on. If you literally had no opinions on how others parent I would think it was weird.

I weaned DS at that age on advice from the HV as he was a hungry baby and milk wasn't filling him (think 9oz bottles every hour - 24/7 - I couldn't produce enough myself)

He is now a strapping 14 year old. Maybe your friend has the same problem

@howthelightgetsin there is a very big difference between judging in your own mind and taking action which could cause real problems for someone.
I judged the woman feeding her 8 week old melted chocolate off her fingers in the vaccination clinic. What I didn’t do was go running to stick her in to a HV!

So no one can have an opinion on the way other people parent? I’m sure people disagree with some of the things I do, in fact I know they do. I don’t mind that they judge me because of course they have a right to a strong opinion. *

But the OP hasn't just 'judged' in her head has she?! It's one thing judging in your head, it's quite another to then go out of your way to mention it to an HV as though she's helping her friend out. She isn't. She's interfering.

Was I right to inform HV?

No. You weren't. Jesus, why must everyone get all up in other peoples' business is beyond me.

I was told to 'wean' my baby well before 6 months on medical grounds by a consultant we had seen since the birth. It was necessary and helped hugely, but this wasn't something I discussed with all my friends so how do you know she hasn't sought advice.

"Wasn't reporting as such" yet you presumably gave her full name. Yes 3 months is early but you massively overstepped the mark and if your friend finds out you have probably lost the friendship, especially if she is having a custody dispute so may already be on social services radar.

What are you so concerned will be documented? 'Spoke to Jane about weaning, discussed best practice, Jane having weighed options is planning to wean baby at twelve weeks [which if it's fine like everyone says it apparently is gives nobody any ammunition for a safe parenting practice]. Provided leaflet'

What's so terrifying about that? Either it's fine to wean at 12 weeks and so she's done nothing wrong anyone can say anything to her about, or it's not fine and therefore it's just good sense to ensure she knows the advice before doing it.

And how could ex use it against her? Does anyone seriously think that a court, a lawyer, a judge, a social worker, will consider weaning at 12 weeks a problem? If so, isn't it better she is given support with it? Ex can't access her notes anyway! They're private and confidential

Also not getting the 'snitched to HV' vibe from this at all, if I was sat chatting to HV about a specific issue like weaning it'd easily come up in conversation 'ah yeah I'm planning to do it at sixteen weeks, my friend said she was going to do it a bit earlier but I wasn't sure what's best, what do you think?' then the HV asks which friend, as it's their job to offer guidance, OP thinks there must be a good reason for HV to want to help or feels compelled to provide it (it'd be weird to say no), some people feel put on the spot by perceived authority and just answer, whatever.

Actually he can, they’re the baby’s notes not hers so any solicitor will be able to access them.

Not following guidelines is frowned upon by HV generally, although if she gets a decent one she should be fine.

Upshot being, OP should have kept her neb out. Either way, it was shit that had nothing to do with her and she shouldn’t have mentioned it.

I can't help but wonder if all of this terror at HV finding out you're planning to do something slightly different with your baby is the same kind of issue that prevents new mums with PND from telling their HV for fear of something awful happening (SS swooping in to remove the kids sort of thing).

Or is it purely the idea of a friend 'telling tales'?

YABU you need to keep your nose out of her business it's food not poison!
Plenty of people including myself were weaned at 3 months and are completely fine.
Fwiw I weaned my DC when I thought they were ready. It was nobodies business but mine and that was 8 and 5 months respectively. I would have been RAGING if anyone had commented on how I was feeding my babies. Especially if they had told on me to a health visitor like I was some dumbass that needed telling off by teacher and you would no longer be my friend.