Was I right to inform HV?

[horseyhorsey123]

My friend has an almost 3 month old who she is planning on weaning soon. I've tried talking to her about the new recommendations, but she seems to think I've only left my own kids weaning until 6 months out of choice rather than because that's what the experts agree on. I wouldn't have said anything at all if her DD were a bit older, but 3 months seems really early. I do see why people start a little earlier, like 5 months.

Anyway, I was talking to my HV earlier about my own kids, and mentioned this to her. She said she'll pass it on to friend's HV and they'll probably arrange a visit at some point. I made sure that I wasn't reporting her as such, because she's really great and it's not like I have concerns as such. I just felt she hadn't really understood. She doesn't go to baby groups, so probably hasn't had that kind of exposure to modern weaning.

But now I'm worried it will be reported as a safe-guarding concern. There's a big custody battle going on with her stupid ex and I don't want this to go against her, but I just thought she needed a professional's opinion before she started. Who knows, the HV might say it's fine and to crack on!. Fair enough.
I made it clear that she hasn't started weaning yet, so there's no problem at the moment.

I realise I'm going to get a lot of YABU here. It came from a good place. I just care s lot about the baby.

I wouldn't want someone like you as a friend.

Previous posters make a really good point. If she thinks her ex raised this then it could turn an already heated battle into something very nasty. Please let her know what you did so she can be prepared and therefore won't assume it's an underhand attack by the ex. It's the least you can do now.

I got a telling off from my HV for not giving DD 'tastes of food' (including egg yolk) at three months. She said because of this DD would be a fussy eater.
This was back in the 70s.

In the early 80s with DS it was wean at 12 weeks or 12lb whichever was sooner.

Just a couple of years later with DD2 it was 16 weeks.

I'm not saying any of these are right but guidelines do change and next year could be different.

I think you were very U, OP.

I am honestly gobsmacked that you did this. How unbelievably interfering and smug you sound. If I were your friend, and I got any inkling that you'd done this (and bearing in mind how unprofessional your HV sounds, that's not beyond the realms of possibility) then our friendship would be over as a result of the gross breach of trust.

You wouldn't be my friend for long if I found out you'd done this to me.

She listened to you and chooses to do it her own way? Who the hell are you to over ride her?!?

You may find you do more harm than good because if my HV said something to me on heresay I'd stop bothering with her too.

My French friend has been putting cereal in her twins night time bottle since they were 6 weeks old! They are as healthy as they come at 22.6 years old. I raised an eyebrow and she said lots of French mums do it, as they have their children clean and dry by 2 years latest also.

I waned by daughter at 14 weeks, 31 years ago, 9.8 born, but failing to put on weight totally breast feeding, may have been because I was also 10 weeks pregnant at the time. I did also feed her morning and night and on demand till 10 months.

My daughter was weaned from 4 months. I took on board all advice at the time, and I felt and feel that this was completely right for her. As a pp said it's not a safeguarding issue the child isn't in danger so yes y ABU.

Also, if this is for real, the HV HAS been very unprofessional- she could listen to your tale, but a normal HCP would not divulge any plan such as a visit to be arranged. Are you a HCP ? Sometimes then people bend rules.

I'm a bit confused by all the 'betrayal' type reactions. Weaning is a standard subject all HVs talk to all parents about just like safe sleeping, tummy time, teething etc. So the HV in this situation would have this conversation anyway, but might find it helpful to know because she can then talk to the mother before she starts weaning, rather than after when there won't be much point. The Mum can then decide whether to follow that advice or not. I have an advanced science degree, but in the days of sleep deprivation and stress I wasn't much inclined to read extensive research on all aspects of parenting. I could barely find time to brush my teeth. Maybe this Mum is the same and she might find the chat useful. Maybe not. But clearly she sees her hv so she would have to listen to it at some point anyway.

Dangermouse because op has removed the MOTHER of the baby concerned's CHOICE to discuss with hv or not. Also as there's a custody battle ongoing the mother REALLY doesn't need MORE of her parenting being scrutinised and judged than is already happening.

None of your business and your friend can discus it with her HV herself, if she sees fit. To you it's just a mention in passing, to the HV it's a report and could probably end up on your friend's file. (I used to work in LG). I weaned after 1 month with my 2nd child. While breastfeeding my 1st, the doctor also told me to start giving solids as my son was so hungry - boil a piece of beef and then scrape off 1/2 a teaspoon of protein. Yes, it was in a different country, but my son became a rugby playing, six-footer. Remember that guidelines are just that; and not to be followed slaveishly, as they cannot suit all individual situations.

Talk to the HV about your own baby not your friends. IMO you are totally unreasonable.

Oh wow, if I was your 'friend', I'd never speak to you again. You sound so arrogant and judgey. I think the HV was probably just humouring you. If her HV does speak to her it'll probably just go along the lines of "So what are you thinking about weaning" and then she'll probably just go over the recommended guidelines with her and sadly your 'friend' will never know what a lousy thing you did to her.

I think you should come clean to your friend and tell her what you have done. Then she can make an honest judgement about the people she allows into her life to judge her on the way she parents.

I never give these out, but...

Cue an unexpected visit from social workers and a file opened on mothers fitness to parent and ignoring professional advice

I know nothing about babies or weaning but: if i were the friend, i would not be your friend anymore.

Are you going to report her every time you disagree with her parenting choices?

I bet you'll sit there listening to get going on about her visit from the HV and sympathise with her as well.

Three months was the advised age for weaning 20 years ago. Then it changed to 4 months, then 6. Some babies clearly need more calories than others and advice can vary from case to case.

I was weaned at 6 weeks (I'm a twin!) and I survived!

Mind your own business. Just because the "experts" advice something doesn't make it correct

How sneaky! You've crossed a line OP. If you were my friend I would be gutted that you not only spoke about me to your HV, but gave the name etc

Guidelines are guidelines. Not the law. In this country we still have free will. It is up to your friend how and when she weans. Not you.

You tried to influence her and when that didnt work you've basically went behind her back. Snakey & Sneaky.

With friends like you who needs enemies.

Your post reeks of a holier than thou tone. How terrible not everyone is as perfect parent as you.

Guidelines and baby groups can be useful. But we've parented for as long as humankind without guidelines and bloody baby groups.

But yeah congrats to you for following guidelines, going to baby groups and being so so so wonderful.

Think you may need to rethink how you approach things you dont agree with. Otherwise Nursery, primary and secondary school are going to be a joy 🤔

I think what you said was fine personally.

I don’t understand why no one is allowed to judge anyone else’s parenting decisions. Some things are downright dangerous.

Also I'd never be able to trust you or tell you anything again

howthelightgetsin the friend hasn't actually started weaning yet though has she ?