Was I right to inform HV?

[horseyhorsey123]

My friend has an almost 3 month old who she is planning on weaning soon. I've tried talking to her about the new recommendations, but she seems to think I've only left my own kids weaning until 6 months out of choice rather than because that's what the experts agree on. I wouldn't have said anything at all if her DD were a bit older, but 3 months seems really early. I do see why people start a little earlier, like 5 months.

Anyway, I was talking to my HV earlier about my own kids, and mentioned this to her. She said she'll pass it on to friend's HV and they'll probably arrange a visit at some point. I made sure that I wasn't reporting her as such, because she's really great and it's not like I have concerns as such. I just felt she hadn't really understood. She doesn't go to baby groups, so probably hasn't had that kind of exposure to modern weaning.

But now I'm worried it will be reported as a safe-guarding concern. There's a big custody battle going on with her stupid ex and I don't want this to go against her, but I just thought she needed a professional's opinion before she started. Who knows, the HV might say it's fine and to crack on!. Fair enough.
I made it clear that she hasn't started weaning yet, so there's no problem at the moment.

I realise I'm going to get a lot of YABU here. It came from a good place. I just care s lot about the baby.

I'm finding this all really wierd - it's a health visitor for goodness sake, there to help, give advice, check on the kid - what's wrong with mentioning something, so her HV can see what's going on and perhaps gently nudge to see if she needs any advice? It's not reporting her to the secret police who'll disappear her!

Personally I spoke to the HVs like the adult I was, and the adults they were, and we all got along fine, even when I rejected their advice.

All this 'if you did that to me, you wouldn't be my friend any more' is being ridiculously over-dramatic.

Pocket coffee. If the friend is in the middle of a nasty custody battle , being reported to the HV for fuck all is the last thing she needs.

It never ceases to amaze me how sanctimonious and downright spiteful some people can be, when they have "but I'm only thinking about the poor baybeeee" to hide behind.
If someone had done that to me I would feel utterly betrayed. You realise that this is now recorded on her notes? That in future you having "concerns" about her child could be used against her?
Do her a favour and stay well away from her. You are not a good friend.

Surprised at the number of people who think this both so serious that it'll get raised during a residency battle, and so trivial that it's not the HV's business and it doesn't matter anyway.

But even if it does get raised during a residency battle, what's going to sound better?
a) friend considers weaning early, discusses with HV, decided to wait until NHS-recommended time
b) friend doesn't speak to HV, starts weaning early, ex brings it up as example of how she can't be trusted to look after the baby.

I think it’s even worse you mentioned the baby’s name rather than your “friend’s” name! That seems as though you were being sly - so you could tell your “friend” you never told the HV and have never mentioned her name!
I think what you did was wrong. I also think it’s quite alarming how concerned you are with her parenting when you have a baby of your own - focus on your own baby and parenting instead of telling tales on other people.
What she does with her baby is her business. There are far, far worse things she could be doing to the child.
Get a life.

Why on earth wouldn't you have just pulled up a few links to the most current advice and left her to make an informed choice?

I weaned my son at 11 weeks daughter at 12 both grandaughters at 12 weeks you do it went you think they need it i do think 6 months is a bit late

"And you didn’t “just mention” it. You cliped." Aye! 😂 not heard "cliped" in YEARS!

Seems sly? I think op was downright snide!

Also yes - the "evidence" is conflicting - which is a big reason WHY they're only "guidelines".

I was weaned at four months, I am not alright

I was weaned at 12 weeks and I'm perfectly fine. Anecdotal evidence is not helpful.

op you don't sound like a nice friend. She's not actively harming her baby why on earth did you feel the need to report her?

You sound as though you think you're superior to her. Is it because you go to baby groups?

You have most certainly been 'meddling' unnecessarily as this has really nothing to do with you. Jeez, with my kids 18, 15 and 9 they had a different set of guidelines every time. They'll no doubt change again soon. I really hope the HV keeps out of it considering the stressful time your mate has had of it.

Clipe is a great word (not such a great thing to do)!

My grannie used to tell my brother he was a wee clipe.

Well OP, I'd drop you like a stone if you did that to me.

You'll be pleased to learn I weaned my baby at 4 months and he is an excellent eater.

I raise my kids not the HV

You gave the baby's name by which the mother is easily identified! Ah OP, you meddled and you're trying to dress it up as something else. As I said earlier a general chat to get advice that you could pass back to your friend would've been a different story.

OP phone your friend now and tell her about that conversation. Because after all you have 'done the right thing'.
Then come back and tell us how that goes for you both.

When I had my DCs 20+ years ago the official guideline was weaning from 3 months. My friend who had her children in France at the same time was advised to give tiny amounts of solids from birth. We both have healthy , normal size adult children with normal digestions.

Guidelines are just that - guides to the best possible practice according to current medical opinion/fashions. They change all the time and children through millennia were raised very well without them.

I think I’d be concerned about my own baby. My eldest was weaned @ 4 months as per recommendations at the time & he was a gannet and needed it. my other 3 at 6 months plus as were breast fed and weren’t particularly interested. I didnt overly follow the guidelines at the time not sure I’d have started at 3 months or if my eldest would’ve managed to spoon feed that small.

She will find her own way, I would’ve asked what i could say to a friend thinking of weaning at 3 months, I certainly wouldn’t have named names. Your friend sounds like she needs friendship and support and not sure that’s what she’s getting. Perhaps you meant well but I think yabu sorry

While best practice is to wait until 6 months, it is acceptable to introduce solids from 17 weeks (around 4 months) but to avoid certain foods.

The experts are somewhat conflicted with some recommended introducing gluten into the diet from 4 months to reduce the risk of coeliac disease, type 1 diabetes and wheat allergy.

child-nutrition.co.uk/advice/weaning-advice-for-hcps/

You are wrong imo

You did the right thing. She clearly doesn't understand why you should wait till 6 months. The health visitor will probably just try to inform her and put her on the list for the next weaning talk.

seems to think I've only left my own kids weaning until 6 months out of choice rather than because that's what the experts agree on

It's not. The NHS is unique amongst world health bodies in being so firm on this and is going slightly against research in order to keep the message simple. Most recommend a little before 6 months.

The actual research indicates:

*Before 3 months- bad.
*3-6 months- broadly fine, with different benefits and risks depending when you start.
*After 6 months- bad.

DD2 was tiny very prem. Starting around 5 months (more like 3.5 because of her prematurity) helped her gain weight, but we were very slow to introduce things because her digestive system would be behind a bigger child's.

For hungry babies that don't do well with milk, some solids early can be really helpful.

TL;DR: As long as it's definitely past 3 months, the HV isn't going to do anything.

"My grannie used to tell my brother he was a wee clipe" in my case it was my wee sister - granny had measure of her!

The mother of the 3 month old has MORE than enough to deal with without this.

When I was pregnant and when DD was first born I thought I’d be adhering to all the guidelines; nothing until 6 months, blw, BF until at least 1, never ever let the baby sleep next to me... well I starting weaning just before 5 months (on purées!) exclusively pumped instead of directly breastfeeding until 16 weeks (when we switched to formula), and between 7-8am some mornings baby sleeps next to me because tbh I really like having that extra hour of sleep. It’s nobody’s business. My friend started weaning her baby at 4 months; no health issues and at 7 months her baby eats like a trooper. Maybe by ‘soon’, your friend meant she’d start at 4 months. Look at the food pouches in the supermarket, e.g. Ella’s Kitchen, you’ll find the majority of them say 4 months. Guidelines are just that, guidelines. Wait until the day you decide to break a modern parenting ‘rule’... it’s actually quite liberating.

Lots of faux concern in your opening post. So what if she doesn't go to baby groups or talk to her health visitor? I opted out of both because I cba with the intrusion and am confident NHS guidelines are easy enough to look up on the internet, like all information is.
Your friend has had a shitty, shitty time, you've dealt a low blow, you know it and now you want reassurance you did the right thing.
There will be people here to tell you that you have. Hope it makes you feel better.