Son moving to Australia with grandkids soon...

[MadyaunMylford]

AIBU to be totally devastated. I have cancer and and various other health issues which mean it is impossible for me to undertake the flight. He did say the firm would pay for family to visit but this is no good for me. I fear I will never see them or the grandkids again.

What would you do?

so there is every chance he would be able to get another job

Since you have absolutely no idea what the DS and DiL do by way of work, where they live, where the OP leaves you have zero basis for that statement.

You also have no idea what the existing relationship is like. The OP implies a lot of disapproval of the DS/DiL but we don't know their side of the equation. Changing your will to punish a child for ensuring the future of the beloved GDC does not suggest a particularly good or disinterested relationship

Not a lot shocks me on mumsnet but I am shocked at some of the replies on here which were downright disgusting. Yes, Priscilla and trinity , I'm looking at you (and anyone else whose cap fits).

OP, I understand why you're hurt and upset and I would be too. If I werenyou son I would have looked for another job in the UK if I was threatened or faced with redundancy, but that's just me.

It won't be the same but hopefully Skype will soften the blow a bit for you in terms of talking to your grandkids and I really hope they do come back regularly to see you so you have some lovely trips or days planned to look forward to when they're here.

My DH is not British but we have lived here for the last 20 years having lived in his country for the first 10 years of our marriage. So 20 years ago he left his mother, whom he loved very much, in his country (SE Asia). She was never able to visit for health reasons though fortunately DH was able to go there whilst on business a couple of times a year and sometimes we went as a family on holiday. She was always very understanding and never made him feel guilty - she regarded his life as his own to do whatever he felt was best for us & our 3DC and she said to me once, "you raise your children to be independent enough to leave you" and that she saw this as a mark of adulthood in effect. Right up until the end of her life in 2010 my DH always felt OK & guilt-free due to her generosity of spirit.

sorry posted once sentence too early!

So I'm saying it's not just about "letting them go with a smile on the outside" - it's about generosity of spirit.

Your comments about your family are rather unpleasant. You’ve judged your son and his wife, you don’t seem to like them or their lives, yet you want them to hang around so you can play at mothering their children in the way you think their mum ought to?

Nah. Let them go live their lives.

If YOUR mother were terminally ill with cancer and had been given 4 years at the most to live, would you still go?" Also a yes from me. It all depends on what relationship you have and OP's later posts suggests they're not that close anyway.

Unemployment is at it's lowest level for decades, despite all the doom mongers predictions about what would happen after the Brexit vote, so there is every chance he would be able to get another job.

My DH was made redundant a couple of years ago and after a long jobsearch now works in the next county with a very long daily commute by car which knackers him out (job not accessible by public transport). Sure there are other jobs being advertised, but none which would pay the bills for our existing outgoings (unless we downsize and stop having my DSCs for overnights, they're not going to want to bunk down on the sofa/floor 3 nights a week). Just because jobs might technically be available it doesn't mean they'll be suitable for the family's needs.

Admittedly I'd be devastated if one our children choose to emigrate. But then that would be on me. I think that wouldn't be an unusual feeling to have as a parent.
But i would never try and stop them. They have their own life's. I would never want any of our children to make life choices around us no matter what the circumstance. That wouldn't be fair on them.
So I'd say yanbu for feeling upset but please don't try and stop them. Your son is a person in his own right with his own family. He has ever right to move away and make another life no matter how upsetting it is for anyone else. One life everyone has, people should make the most of it.

He is determined to go so no amount of pleading or explaining how I feel will change his mind I think

For God's sake don't 'plead' and what 'explaining' is there? At the end of the day you've made your choices during your life, now this is their life and so it's their choice. His mind isn't yours to change.....

As some others have said you don't sound as though you have had a particularly warm or close relationship with either your DS or your DIL up to now which is a shame but would you have continued in the same way had this not happened? I suspect you would....... so maybe try your best to mend those fences whilst they are still here so that coming back here for visits is something they'll see positively rather than dreading and then you can all thoroughly, and positively, enjoy the remaining time they have here.

Firstly, OP, I'm sorry for your diagnosis and understand that you must feel very sad and anxious about the future.

I have seen a similar scenario in my own family in that my sibling lives overseas so my parents see them far less than they see me. My sibling also has children, and one of my parents also has terminal cancer.

I don't want to go into the details, but I have learned several things over the years as I have watched their relationship that may be helpful to you... although possibly a little hard to hear.

• Your son does have the right to make choices that he feels are best for his own family, hard as that may be for you to accept
• His choice to prioritise his family over you will, in part, be a reflection of his existing relationship with you. In your first post you say you feel devastated, which I am sure is true; but later you are very unkind about your son and DIL's parenting and careers. I assure you that they know you judge them already.
• Emotional blackmail will only make your son more reluctant to visit. It is extremely counter-productive
• Life expectancy diagnoses should not be weaponised to get someone to do what you want. My father has outlived his LE (which was at one stage similar to yours) by several times. If my sibling had put off moving overseas, they would have put their life on hold for more than decade now.
• The "mythical better life" is not always mythical at all. My sibling undoubtedly has a better life and more opportunities. Sometimes I wish I had made the same choice to move.
• Pitching your children against each other as "the good one" and "the bad one" will make them both despise you a little.
• Changing your will (or suggesting you will) to prioritise your now-preferred child may well make that child deeply uncomfortable and quietly determined to redistribute the will in an equitable way anyway (I have direct experience with this)

If you want to make the most of the last years you have with your son, DIL and grandchildren, the best thing you can do is to show support and positivity for their plan WITHOUT emotional blackmail, while being clear that you want to maximise any and all opportunities for contact and visits from them, and that enjoying your relationship as much as possible is your priority.

Well said vwlphb - so much wisdom in one post!

To be fair on the op her last post at 13:27 is much more reasonable and accepting that he has his reasons, she's not perfect either and they can make the best of things.

vwl exactly.

Posters rending their clothes over what they'd do if it were their mother - it isn't and it wasn't the OPs question. She's asked what we'd do in HER shoes, not the son's.

It’s terminal right? So think of this way - what’s the absolute worst that could happen if you visited? You may still get travel insurance (go thru a specialist broker). Question is do you want to.

Priscilla, trinity... in support of your comments, I note that the OP has admitted that she is being selfish and needs to rethink her stance.
We don't know what the DS does, so pointing to stats that there are jobs in the UK don't mean sh!t. If the DS works in O&G, where 87,000 have been made redundant in the UK alone and layoffs are still continuing, then he cannot be condemned for putting his young family first and going where the work is. It is easy for others to say - "find another job", the reality is how difficult is now, to find another job that pays the same and has the same career prospects. Please don't assume, as some have, that DiL's job would allow her to cover all family overheads. I earned 2/10th of my husband's salary and that was in a FT graduate position. A lot depends on the jobs that are available in your travel to work area.

Friedgreen: what's the worst that could happen?

I don't know? She breaks an ankle and needs an op, she has a stroke and needs ongoing care, she has pneumonia. All these things would leave family with a hefty bill. Not good advice.

Don't we have a reciprocal medical agreement with Australia?

@lost that’s where the travel insurance part of my post comes in. But sure quote selectively why don’t you Specialist brokers still do insure cancer sufferers.

That's a horrible scenario and of course it's reasonable to feel devastated. I think it's a good idea to talk through your feelings with your son, but wait a little until the shock has subsided.

As others have said, try and find ways to make the most of your time together both now and after they've emigrated. I didn't see the age of the children. Might there be an option of GC visits for lengthier stays?

For example, Son arrives with kids at start of summer hols, leaves after 2 weeks for work, DIL then has a 2 week trip at the end of the hols, you see GC for 6 weeks. Or perhaps your other son could do one of the legs?

Friedgreen, I think the OP indicated a medical condition which made the travel impossible.

inabeautifulplace your plan is good, but seeing as Australian schools are currently on their summer holiday, I doubt the kids would want to swap the sun for our snow/rain/stupid wind.