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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son moving to Australia with grandkids soon...

195 replies

MadyaunMylford · 17/01/2018 11:28

AIBU to be totally devastated. I have cancer and and various other health issues which mean it is impossible for me to undertake the flight. He did say the firm would pay for family to visit but this is no good for me. I fear I will never see them or the grandkids again.

What would you do?

OP posts:
greendale17 · 17/01/2018 12:29

YANBU

You have terminal cancer and your son has decided to move to Australia?

My heart goes out to you. That would destroy me

testpickles · 17/01/2018 12:29

What a horrible thing to post Priscilla.

Megs4x3 · 17/01/2018 12:29

I'm so sorry that he is doing this at this time. Sounds as though he has form for being unsupportive. I have family in Australia and no hope of seeing them ever again too, and they refuse to use Facetime or Skype so I understand some of your feelings.I think all you can do is accept his decision with a good grace and concentrate on yourself and the support you will need and likely get from your other son. I'm so sorry to hear of your diagnosis and wish you well.

Moanaohnana · 17/01/2018 12:30

I'm so sorry, OP. This must be devastating.

You don't have to be polite about it and you don't have to put on a brave face. It's fine to tell him that this move will break your heart. It sounds like it won't change his mind anyway so he at least deserves to know the impact of his decision.

When someone close to me moved overseas I was happy for them (obviously different for me and different relationship) but when they started to say (as I was heavily pregnant) 'Oh when the baby's born you can come out and stay with us' etc etc I had no hesitation in telling them that there's no way I'd consider coming to their choice of hot country with a baby, even if I could remotely afford it which I couldn't. I wished her well but made sure she knew that I wasn't going to pretend this wasn't goodbye.

People are free to make all the decisions they want about their own lives but that doesn't mean we all have to pretend that there are no consequences.

TheNavigator · 17/01/2018 12:31

Ooooh, I can feel the claws coming out for the DIL - clearly you judge her for not mothering the way you think she should. That will not strengthen your long distance relationship with them or their children, so I think you need to try and accept that she is raising their children their way and it may be different to you but that does not make it wrong.

ilovesooty · 17/01/2018 12:32

I just want to say that I'm so sorry and I think you have every reason to feel devastated.

Dipitydoda · 17/01/2018 12:32

PS, I would probably alter your will so your son's half goes directly into trust for his children so you can know that you have been able to pass something onto them if you cant see them.

Glad you have your other son. Often one child ends up doing more of the caring due to geography. But I think there's a difference being career focused and moving to another city and seeing parents say 1xmonth and moving to the other side of the world.

I'm afraid you probably have no choice but to wave them off, say, this is probably the last time you'll see me and last time I'll see the kids so I have arranged to provide for them through my will to show them how much I truly love them.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 17/01/2018 12:33

It must be hard emotionally, but you ask what you should do and obviously what you do is wish him and his family well, tell him you will miss them but are proud of them. What you absolutely do not do is beg, plead and emotionally blackmail as you mention in your second post - all that will achieve is parting on bad terms and less Skype etc contact because of the expectation it will be used to chastise him for leaving.

Your feelings are totally and utterly reasonable, but begging and pleading with him to give up a brilliant sounding job offer and opportunity for his family (t&c must be very good if, as you say, his company have offered to fly family over) to stay with you is absolutely not. You say he doesn't visit much anyway, so really this is more a psychological than a practical wrench.

Flowers Your feelings are understandable, but don't destroy the relationship now by guilt tripping him. There are things you can do to make sure your grandchildren remember you, like recording stories for them and putting together a talking photo album of your life up to now - starting when you were a child and ending with pictures of you with them.

jaseyraex · 17/01/2018 12:35

Has it been discussed how often he will come back and visit with the kids? Would he even consider postponing the move? The "better life" will still be there no matter how long he waits. You have every right to be devestated. Sorry I know that's not much help.

My auntie moved to Australia a long time ago with her kids. She had another whilst there who none of us have met. He's 17 now. My Nana, her mum, was devestated when she went. My Nana died 11 years ago and she didn't even come back for her own mums funeral. We've never forgiven her for it. I hope your son is not that kind of person and that you do find some sort of happy conclusion, but it's unrealistic for people to tell you it'll be fine and you can hop on a boat and chat on Skype. It's not all happy reunions and fun on facetime for everyone that moves abroad sadly.

Best wishes OP Flowers

MigsandTiggs · 17/01/2018 12:35

'Can you more than anyone not see though that life is so short they have to take their opportunities when they come up. '

Wow! That has to be one of the most shockingly rude, dismissive and insensitive comments I've read on here.@expatinscotland

Sorry, but not rude or dismissive; a bit insensitive perhaps. When everyone else is saying the same thing, this comment offers an alternative perspective. It is what I would like a close friend to point out to me if I am only seeing my own point of view. It looks like the son has to relocate for work so can't control the timing of the move, and I'm sure that he, too, must be feeling upset at leaving his mum when she has terminal cancer.

My husband recently passed (cancer) and I have no family in Scotland, but I keep in touch with my children who live abroad via Facetime, Messenger and Skype- You can even eat meals together! I am a lonely pensioner (I know not the same as having terminal cancer) but I want my children to lead their own lives. I don't want to be a burden to them. The last thing the OP needs is to lay a guilt trip on her son and his family.

sonjadog · 17/01/2018 12:35

It is very understandable that you are upset, but there really is nothing you can do about it. If they want to go, then that is their decision to make. Pleading and arguing won't work, if anything it might have the opposite effect.

I guess the only thing to do is to try to enjoy the time you have before they move, try to keep in regular Skype contact, and see how things turn out. They might not like it and move back again, they might stay but have regular visits, or they might not. Only time will tell.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 17/01/2018 12:35

The comments on your Dil are a bit of an insight though Shock

FizzyGreenWater · 17/01/2018 12:36

I am so sorry. What a tough situation.

However, this is incredibly unfair and horribly passive aggressive:

They are both career minded and have already given the GCs to others to raise ie. nanny, childminder etc. The DIL said she would be a stay at home mum, then when the darling GCs arrived and the reality hit she soon went back to work

No, they haven't given their children to other people to 'raise' - they've done what millions of working parents have to do, or indeed WANT to do, and continued their careers. It's the norm. There could be many reasons for your DIL to choose to go back to work instead of SAH, and it doesn't take a genius to think that if they're emigrating as the answer, financially it might have been a no choice situation for her to work anyway.

If this is the way you think of them and these are the kind of pass-agg 'digs' you make in your head, then it sounds that there isn't much love lost either way really. And if that was the situation, then it doesn't automatically change once kids come along - you feel a new link and a pull, but they don't.

Skype is the way, it's not the same though.

Bluelady · 17/01/2018 12:36

It's the son who's destroyed the relationship. Pissing off to the other side of the world when your mum's dying is pretty high on the scale of despicable behaviour.

ineedwine99 · 17/01/2018 12:37

So sorry OP. Have they even been accepted for a visa? That can be a very hard process and also a very long one, so if he hasn't been accepted there is a chance he may not be

Schlimbesserung · 17/01/2018 12:38

I'm sorry that your son is not the man you hoped he was. It does sound heartless but if this is how he is generally then I doubt you can change his mind. I would still tell him how I felt about it all though. He doesn't deserve to behave like this and be protected from the fallout.
Is his wife a more approachable person? Not so much because she might change his mind, but because you will need her help to maintain whatever contact is possible.

How is your relationship with your other son? In my experience, the support and care of terminally ill parents usually falls to one person anyway and it doesn't seem like the emigrating son would have gone out of his way to help or support you. I know that none of this will help with the wrench of not seeing your grandchildren, but I do think that there is something to be gained from working out what you and your loved ones can do to make your remaining time as good (not the right word, but I think you know what I mean) as possible under the very difficult circumstances.

Above all I'm so sorry that you even have to think about this. It isn't something you should have to worry about at a time like this. I don't especially like my mother but I would never, ever do this to her.

Original poster
MadyaunMylford · 17/01/2018 12:39

He said that the opportunity arose and he took it or he would be made redundant. I will just be honest with him about my feelings, not much else to do really. I can understand him wanting a better life.

I will have to rethink my will too...

Doctors have told me 1-4 years

OP posts:
Blackteadrinker77 · 17/01/2018 12:41

@expatinscotland I stand by my comment.

Your company offering an opportunity like this is a rare once in a life time thing. And even offering to fly them back for visits.

It's shitty timing but they have to take it, he is not saying he won't fly back ever.

pepperpot99 · 17/01/2018 12:42

Sorry you are going through this Op, it's very selfish and self absorbed of your ds IMo. It also is selfish to stop his dc from seeing their GM.

It might sound extreme but perhaps you should cut him out of your will?

GabsAlot · 17/01/2018 12:42

i think hes a selfish twunt

i didnt even want to go on holiday when my mum was in last stage terminal cancer i would never have moved away

he cant postpone for a couple of years? thats how much he thinks of u sorry op i think its depsicable

OldPony · 17/01/2018 12:42

Guys, he was going to be made redundant!!
Of course he had to go.

SoupyNorman · 17/01/2018 12:43

I dunno.

He either takes the job in Australia, or is made redundant. His company are offering to fly them back for visits. His mother is sick and has been given a prognosis of 1-4 years. It seems she makes snippy comments about them 'giving their children to others to raise' because both parents work. It doesn't sound like she likes his wife at all.

I'd probably go too.

RandomDreams · 17/01/2018 12:43

He was going to be made redundant, that changes things slightly...

MissionItsPossible · 17/01/2018 12:44

Some of the responses on here are downright nasty. I feel so sorry for you OP. There is Skype but I know it's not the same. Flowers

Schlimbesserung · 17/01/2018 12:44

I missed your earlier post about your DIL, sorry. You obviously don't approve of her, but you need her help so do try to mend things if you can. I'd probably be really bitter in your situation, but try not to let it eat you up to the point that it ruins any chances of contact with your grandchildren.