Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son moving to Australia with grandkids soon...

195 replies

MadyaunMylford · 17/01/2018 11:28

AIBU to be totally devastated. I have cancer and and various other health issues which mean it is impossible for me to undertake the flight. He did say the firm would pay for family to visit but this is no good for me. I fear I will never see them or the grandkids again.

What would you do?

OP posts:
wizzler · 17/01/2018 12:45

I would be heartbroken but you can't prevent them from going. Explain that you will miss them and try to see as much of your Dgc as you can before they go... take loads of photos and make some memories

UnicornRainbowColours · 17/01/2018 12:45

Slightly less on your side after your unkind comments about his wife. I’m a nanny and I support and work with parents. I don’t raise the kids in their place.

But I still wouldn’t leave my Mum if she was dying..

HouseworkIsASin10 · 17/01/2018 12:46

He's a selfish bastard. He'll be on the first plane home once the will is being read.

So sorry you are going through this, and so sorry your son is a selfish prick Flowers

WalkingEverywhere · 17/01/2018 12:46

That is difficult if he was going to be made redundant it is more understandable. It's still sad but it's understandable

theEagleIsLost · 17/01/2018 12:49

He said that the opportunity arose and he took it or he would be made redundant

See I'd understand that alot more.

I also imagine that with the timescale you've been given they forsee trips back within it.

Original poster
MadyaunMylford · 17/01/2018 12:50

I don't think I could totally cut him out of my will, maybe readjust things.

Maybe I did judge the DIL but it was so sad hearing the GCs cry when she left to go to work or leave them with the nanny. They are only little and didn't really understand why mummy had to leave all the time.

Maybe most people would be selfish if an opportunity of a lifetime came along. All I can do is wish them well. It might be fantastic once they settle in or it may not suit them at all and they could come back. Who knows.

OP posts:
Jaygee61 · 17/01/2018 12:50

MyBrilliantDisguise

I would be angry, tbh, if my son went off abroad just when I needed him most.

This. I think he's being bloody selfish tbh. OP YADNBU.
Flowers

FluffyWuffy100 · 17/01/2018 12:50

My son and DIL are like two peas in a pod and she is a difficult person to feel warmth from. Both are fairly selfish tbf so this decision is a shock but not a surprise in that sense.

They are both career minded and have already given the GCs to others to raise ie. nanny, childminder etc. The DIL said she would be a stay at home mum, then when the darling GCs arrived and the reality hit she soon went back to work

I understand this is extremely upsetting and a real blow to you, but it is coming across like you don’t actually like your son or his wife much and only want them around for the grand kids.

RottenTomatoes959 · 17/01/2018 12:51

Im very sorry to hear your prognosis, it must have been quite a shock. I can see where your son is coming from though he had to take it or hed have no job. Regarding your cruel thoughts on your DIL I have very little doubt you voiced that to them or your son at least.
Dont push them away any more than you have.

Snowdrop18 · 17/01/2018 12:52

OP I do really feel for you

however, I am the daughter of someone who did similar. I notice you mention what you call a "mythical better life" but it wasn't mythical, why should it be? It depends what you want out of life doesn't it...his life may well be 1000x better in Oz.

I do feel for you but equally I realise there's lots of stuff to factor into a decision like this.

Evelynismyformerspyname · 17/01/2018 12:53

Bloody hell OP - I was sympathetic at first but

  1. he has the choice between going or being made redundant

and

  1. your later posts show that you don't actually like him and despise his wife, and believe that because your dil works they have given their children to others to raise.

  2. having 1-4 year prognosis is very hard, but also means you are asking him to make himself unemployed in order to give you access to his children rather than ask his employees to defer the transfer to Australia for 6 months.

RandomDreams · 17/01/2018 12:55

I don't think I could totally cut him out of my will, maybe readjust things.

Okay, now I'm even less on your side.

He was going to be made redundant, it was either move or go through the uncertainty of looking for another job. I understand that you are ill but some of your comments, particularly about your daughter in law are a bit Hmm

SusannahL · 17/01/2018 12:56

The fact that the son would be made redundant changes NOTHING.
He is incredibly callous and selfish to even consider leaving his terminally ill mother to move to the other side of the world.

Any decent caring son (and daughter in law) would wait a few years to spend as much time as possible with his mother.

I'm so sorry op. this is beyond cruel.

GabsAlot · 17/01/2018 12:56

who said that op hasnt asked anything?

sorry but my mum always came first before anything a jobs a job

and it didnt say the firm would fly him home it said family could be flown out-ds didnt say anything about coming back himself

BrendaUmbrella · 17/01/2018 12:57

I know lots of people come to the AIBU board specifically to be cunty, in fact it's rare to find a thread in AIBU that doesn't have a cunty first reply, but you could restrain yourselves or refrain from the need to contribute a comment those times when you can see that cuntishness is so incredibly inappropriate...

waitingfortheendtocome · 17/01/2018 12:58

Omg! This is sad, what a cruel, thoughtless son you have.

I'm currently going through cancer treatment, it's not terminal. I'm at the start of the long rollercoaster journey of this shitty decease.

My dd moved to Australia 4 months ago, she had already booked her flight and applied for work before my diagnosis.
I insisted she still go, but inside it broke my heart.

Please just make the most of your 1-4 years. Spend it with people who genuinely care and don't waste another second on that son!

It's not the same or what you want, but you can make lovely memories for your dgc via Skype Thanks

Hissy · 17/01/2018 12:58

Your company offering an opportunity like this is a rare once in a life time thing

like terminal illness....

OP, you have every right to be devastated, the decision they have taken is clearly the one they felt they had to take, but still...

If I were you I'd be totally blunt with him and ask that in view of your terminal diagnosis, will his company fly him/his family back frequently? what is he planning to do for when your time runs out?

You have to be honest and straight with your feelings, why should you spare their feelings? difficult conversations are a shit load easier to deal with terminal cancer, so say what you feel and mean and let the chips fall as they may.

He MUST know he's being a twat? will your other child have a word?

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/01/2018 12:59

They are only little and didn't really understand why mummy had to leave all the time.

Their Dad left to go to work each day as well. This isn't the 50s.

I realise you're upset and venting but being mean to them won't help. It will just make them come back less to see you.
If not sure why you would adjust your will because he is doing the best he can for his children.

PringlesPirate · 17/01/2018 13:00

I imagine your DS is between a rock and a hard place - move to Australia for Work away from his terminal mother or be made redundant and stay where he.

I can completely understand that it is devastating that DS is moving to the other side of the world with the grandchildren. It’s not easy. It’s not fair. There’s so much not fair about any of this.

You don’t need to wish them well. You don’t need to be happy about it. But you can deal with how you react and how much you can stay in your GCs lives.

They may decide it’s not for them. So they may be back.

Would making photo books/ videos for them when their older be an option OP?

C8H10N4O2 · 17/01/2018 13:01

They are only little and didn't really understand why mummy had to leave all the time

Do they understand why Daddy leaves every day? I assume he is their father?

You had all my sympathy right up until you described childcare as your DiL "giving your children to others to raise" then adding that he is going because the alternative is redundancy.

Their first responsibility is to their children, whether they want to go or not. He has agreed flybacks with the firm - those work for people to come home to the UK, not just people to fly out.

Are you honestly saying that you expected him to lose his job and sacrifice his family well being to stay in the country? And then will change your will to spite them for taking an opportunity?

And yes, I do know exactly what its like to have DC moving abroad due to economic situations.

Dustysparrow · 17/01/2018 13:01

YANBU. There is no way I would bugger off to live in another country (especially not one on the other side of the planet!) if my mum had a terminal illness, or in fact if she had a serious non-terminal illness. I think that's a selfish and heartless thing to do to somebody who knows that their time on earth is limited.

I don't know how close you are to your son, OP, or what your relationship has been like, but the only situation in which I would think it would be reasonable to do this is if the family members are estranged or not remotely close to each other. Otherwise I think it's an awful thing to do. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Flowers

I know people will be on here saying that it's up to them and it's their life, they are free to do as they please etc etc but actually I think this a truly shitty thing to do to someone. Just because they can doesn't mean they should.

saladdays66 · 17/01/2018 13:02

I realise they are not the same as seeing and hugging your grandchildren but in the grand scheme of things you still have it good. Previous generations didn’t have skype. I think you’re being selfish.

OMFG.

I hope you never find yourself in the same situation, Priscilla. Would you REALLY be saying the same?? Fuck's sake.

OP, I'm so sorry. I would be devastated. And no amount of Skype or anything similar would remotely make up for it. Flowers and hugs to you.

On the bright side: maybe he won't get in to Oz, at least permanently. Oz is quite strict on having the 'points' (and money) for immigration. And friends of mine who have emigrated there say the cost of living there is comparable to here.

Megs4x3 · 17/01/2018 13:02

I think rethinking your will is a bit harsh and your son my be selfish generally but in this instance from the information you've added, he seems to be between a rock and a hard place.

WeeBeasties · 17/01/2018 13:03

I feel so so sympathetic to you OP but your comments about your son and DIL are a little eyebrow raising.

You clearly don't like your DIL much and say her and tour son are like peas in a pod so... you don't like him much either do you? What is your relationship actualy like?

And it wasn't just your DIL's decision to work, your DS made that decision too. You haven't made any snide remarks about him not being a SAHP.

At first I thought your DS was being awfully selfish but now I'm not sure.

saladdays66 · 17/01/2018 13:03

Maybe I did judge the DIL but it was so sad hearing the GCs cry when she left to go to work or leave them with the nanny. They are only little and didn't really understand why mummy had to leave all the time.

Mmm. Did they cry the same when Daddy went to work? Or did they understand why he had to work?